“Why did you take me in as an au pair? Why did you take an au pair ad, lie me that you wanted a family member, while you only humiliated me?” Lisa finally let out the frustration that had accumulated in her for months.
“Don't be so ridiculous,” he argued.
She shook her head, repeating. “Where am I supposed to go?”
“You've got enough friends, haven’t you?” he asked in return.
She grabbed her suitcase, and left.
“And do I get my holiday allowance, as agreed on in my contract?” she reminded him.
Marc shook his head again. He practically pushed her and her luggage out of the car. Lisa grabbed her luggage before it fell onto the ground.
“No. You always had free time on the weekend,” he yelled. Lisa knew there was nothing she could do as she watched Marc pull away.
She was left, alone with her luggage, at the station. So Lisa stood with a little money, a return ticket, a ticket there, and two weeks for her vacation. He tossed her suitcase out after her, slamming the door in her face. She picked her suitcase up. She looked around and found a payphone. She dragged it over to the phone booth. She had to rummage through her poorly packed luggage to find the money she had saved. She put the required amount into the phone, and called one of the only friends she had made. She called one of the friends she had, who was also an au pair for another family. In tears, she explained what had happened. She told her all about what happened, and asked if she could stay there for a little while.
“Lisa, you can move here, with us. My host family will let you stay here. Then, we will go and see Paris together.” Her friend, Lena, suggested.
“Is your host family nice?” Lisa asked.
“Sure. They are very nice,” Lena assured.
Lisa dragged her suitcase over to the ticket booth, and bought a ticket to where her friend lived.
It was her last moments there.
She shivered out of despair and self-loathing. Lisa was once again a cold, lonely girl whose life was stripped of color and whose future promised unhappiness. Her dreams, full of hope the day before, were now a stiff, cold blue that would never be resurrected. Pain struck her, but she could not look for healing in the arms of Alexander. No longer could she warm herself up against his chest. Her faith in him was destroyed. Alexander had ceased to be what he once was in her eyes. She neither ascribed depravity to him nor blamed him for betraying her trust. But he had ruined his image of fairness. She should have stayed far away from him, that she understood firmly now. When, how, and where she did not know. But there was no doubt in her mind that she should make haste to leave this place. After all, she could not give in to her true feelings. What they had was nothing more than a bit of passion. She did not need him. At this point, she should be afraid of even running into him. Oh how blind and weak I have been!
Now her eyes were closed and hidden. She did not have the will to continue. She was lying in a half-conscious state, wanting only one thing: death. She could not help herself. She was thinking about him again, imagining him looking at the rising sun in the hopes that she would be his once again. She longed to go back, as it was not too late to save him from his grief. After all, her flight was still not determined. She could still go back and be his source of comfort, his pride, his escape. The thought was like a jagged arrow in her chest: it tore at her when she tried to remove it and killed her when memories drove it deeper. Among the tortures of the heart, she desperately struggled to remain loyal to her moral principles and felt disgusted with herself because of it. Not even her self-esteem could comfort her now. She was offended, hurt, and lonely. She hated herself. Still, she could not take a single step back. As for her will and conscience, something profound had broken one and silenced the other. She choked back a sob as she made her way—faster and faster, as if in a fever. Just then, weakness came and pinned her legs and then her whole body. A few moments later, she fell and found herself lying on the ground with her face in the wet grass.
Their romance was like a fairytale, a dream. It reminded her of “Playing with Madness,” a song by Schiller.
It’s like a fever
Being with you...
Is playing with madness
Playing with you
Lisa could not help herself. She was thinking about her pain. She was not comforted with even self-esteem. She was offended,hurt,left. She hated herself. Still she could not turn, could not take a single step back.
“It must have been where the Lord led me.” As far as her will and conscience went, something crazy broke one and silenced the other. She choked with sobs, following her lonely way—faster, faster, as if in a fever. Weakness came and pinned her legs, then her whole body, and she fell. A few minutes later, she was lying on the ground, burying her face in the wet grass. She feared—or hoped?—she would die there. But she soon got up and crawled forward on all fours and then rose to her feet, full of the same determination, the same impatience to get to the road.
Now her eyes were closed and obscured, but she did not have the will to stand up, did not have the strength to run—she was lying in a half-conscious state.
That evening, Lisa went to the bus to go to her friend, Lena.
The bus moved. Lisa looked out the window and tried to hold back tears. All that had happened in those year touched her deeply.
Lisa was on her way to another city, and she understood that the bus she was about to board would be filled with people of different nationalities.
When the bus moved, her heart sank. Lisa looked out the window and tried to hold back tears. Everything that had happened in those couple of months touched her deeply.
She was miserable. He was an extraordinary man, and Lisa had fallen in love with him. But they were too different, as different as heaven and earth. Was their meeting a sign?
In the meantime, she asked herself, What's better? To yield to the temptation, listen to the passion? To not fight, fret, or strain every nerve? To fall into the silk snare and live as his mistress, intoxicated by his love almost every minute? Oh yes, he would be madly in love with her. At least, she thought he was in love with her. Never again would she taste the sweet tribute paid by beauty, youth, and grace. He treated her so nicely—no other man could compare.
She looked out the window again and thought of those beautiful moments of romance, his mesmerizing eyes, and all the flowers he had given her. He was a millionaire. She was just a babysitter from a poor country—no more, no less.
46
It was Wednesday. Lisa’s trip was booked for Friday. After all her help and diligent work, her so-called “host family” had simply thrown her out, leaving her naturally shaken. But since the family had diminished and demoralized Lisa from the start, it was an expected sad ending.
Lisa knew that negative energy was better left in the past. But, she had to stick it out until the year was over and her au pair program had finally come to a finish. Lisa knew she couldn't expect a happy ending. She expected nothing less than sadness and misery. But, at least it was over. She could hold some shred of happiness just knowing it was behind her now. She was moving forward. She was finally free.
Of course, she had every thought for happy ending, especially at the beginning of the program. She had come to the country with positive thoughts and an open mind. She was going to take the opportunity to learn about a culture that was different from her own. She was going to meet people, pick up the local language and hopefully make some friends. Then, she was going to go sight-seeing before she went home. As the year passed, her hopes and dreams began to slowly fade. But she did manage to make a friend.
Today was the day she would finally be united with her friend Lena. She had booked a bus ride to the city where Lena was staying. She was also an au pair, but had better luck because she had found a supportive and caring family to stay with. Unlike Lisa, who had been through two homes, both of which were awful experiences. She had counted down the days until her contract was ended.