“I always thought I could gain acceptance at school. You know, make friends. But the harder I tried the more I repelled people! It’s as if there is something fundamentally wrong with me, like I’m diseased or something. It’s been that way for as long as I can remember.”
My eyes stung from the effort of holding back the tears. I wrapped my hands around the fence, twisting until my knuckles went white. Gabriella placed her hand on top of mine — it felt warm. She looked at me, her eyes urging me to continue.
“When we moved to Chapter Hill, I prayed that maybe I could re-invent myself; that things could get better.”
She squeezed my hand. “I’m guessing they didn’t.”
“They got worse. Not only did no one want to know me, but somehow I got on bloody Terry Burton’s bad side. The bullying is worse than it’s ever been.” A single tear spilled over and rolled down my cheek. I quickly wiped it with the back of my hand, hoping Gabriella didn’t notice. “What you saw the other day was just a glimpse of what I get all the time.” My voice was growing thick.
“Why hasn’t someone stopped him yet?”
I laughed humorously. “Why should anyone care? As long as its loser Alex and not them on the radar.” Another tear slipped down my cheek. I watched it drop and splash onto the fence.
“You know, I have one friend and to be honest I think he just feels a bit sorry for me.” On my last words my voice cracked. “Truth is, if I disappeared, I don’t think anyone would care.” My chin was trembling, but I couldn’t stop. Willing myself not to look at Gabriella I added, “So if this is some kind of horrible joke, just don’t okay? Leave now and I promise I won’t ask why. I won’t ever bother you again. You can tell everyone you humiliated me or something. I just…can’t take any more.”
I waited for Gabriella to leave. Instead her fingers slipped into mine and pulled me around to face her. “How could you think such a thing? Why would this be a joke?” she said, her tone more hurt than angry.
“Come on Gabriella, look at you…look at me!”
“Alexander, this isn’t a joke, I promise. I would never do that to you.”
Without another word, she wrapped her arms around me and pulled me close. As she held me there, my head buried in the crook of her neck the last of the barriers crumbled and the tears came. I cried until there was nothing left. Then I opened my eyes and let Gabriella's blurry face swim back into focus. With surprise I saw that her eyes were damp with tears too. She blinked them away and took my hands in hers once more, giving them a gentle squeeze. Her skin was soft and there were no shocks, just a glowing feeling, which seemed to radiate through me. Somehow I didn’t feel ashamed that I’d just cried in front of her. All I felt was lighter, like a weight had been lifted off my chest.
“Feel better?” she asked.
“Yeah I do.” Scratching the back of my neck I added, “Sorry about dumping that on you.”
Gabriella shook her head. “You don't have to apologise to me. Never be ashamed of who you are or how you feel. Maybe you aren't the problem, maybe it's everyone else.”
Her look intensified, as if she were dealing with something internal. She crossed her arms over her chest and began to pace up and down. “Alexander, when I first saw you, I sensed something…different. I wanted to know you. That’s why I asked you to show me around.” Gabriella stopped pacing and stared at me. Alexander, I believe — no,” she tapped a hand against her chest, “I know that you have more courage and kindness within you than those…” she waved the hand in the air, “ testa di merdas could ever dream of having! If they can’t see what a sweet, kind, human being you are then it’s their loss. But I can and that’s why we’re friends.” Something seemed to flash inside her eyes. “I’m here now and god help anyone who tries to hurt you.”
Her face relaxed into a warm smile. “Things are going to get better, I promise” she said, “You just need to have more faith in yourself. Okay?”
I nodded.
“Good.”
She moved back over to the swing, picking up her food. I followed and sat back down. After popping a few chips in her mouth, Gabriella held the carton towards me. “Since you clearly didn’t like yours.” We both broke into a relieved laugh. “Thanks Gabriella,” I said, taking a few. She swallowed. “You're welcome and call me Ella if you like.” “Oh…okay. Is that what you like people to call you?” She shook her head. “People, no. Only those I like the most.”
The comment gave my stomach a little squeeze. “Okay, well you don’t have to call me Alexander either. To be honest I prefer Alex.” She nodded, sending her raven hair spilling down her face. “Deal.”*
That evening, I was hot topic at the dinner table. Mikey — reverting to irritating twerp mode — had told Mum and John all about seeing me and Gabriella together.
“She is super-hot. I mean like on another level. Everyone at school is talking about her!” he enthused, animating his words with over the top hand gestures. John raised his eyebrows as he swirled spaghetti around his fork. “And she was with Alexander?” “Nice,” I muttered under my breath. Mum beamed, clasping her hands together and leaning forward. “So is she your girlfriend Alex?” I groaned internally. I could feel the red fingers of embarrassment crawling up my face. “No, we’re just friends.” I replied in a firm tone. “I've been showing her around school, that’s all.”
John nodded as if an internal question had been answered. But he surprised me by adding, “Well, I think you should go for it. You never know, it could work out.” Mikey seemed a little confused too. “No Dad, she is like really hot.” “Shut up!” I yelled. “Sorry,” he shrugged looking at me, “I'm just saying.”
At that moment I had to resist the urge to dive across the table and beat Mikey to a pulp. Calm down, he’s just being an idiot I soothed myself. Slowly, my anger ebbed away. The problem wasn’t really him. It was more…me. My emotions had been up and down all day. After my heart to heart with Gabriella, I’d been in a euphoric state for hours. Then like a switch had been flipped, I was so angry I’d almost punched a first year in the face for bumping into me.
Mum smiled, “Well I agree with John. If you like her, then ask her out on a date.”
Desperate to get the attention away from me, I agreed that if the situation arose I would ask her out. I knew I’d never have the confidence to actually do it, but it got them off of my back.
After dinner I started to feel ill.
To my family’s surprise, I’d accepted an offer to watch a film. It was a pretty good one about a kid whose next door neighbour is a Vampire.
The movie was about an hour in when I started to sweat. Thick beads crawled into my eyes and stung them. I blinked, trying to focus on the film, but I was getting too hot. I started to fidget on the sofa, trying to find a comfortable position. A stuffy sickness began to rise in my stomach. My glands filled with spit.
“Can you open a window?” I asked John, whose chair was closest to the outside wall.
He looked at me like I was mad. “Are you kidding? It’s bloody freezing in this house as it is!” He made a tutting noise and turned back to the screen.
Mum gave me a concerned glance. “Are you feeling okay honey?”
“Uh, yeah. I’m just going to grab a drink.”
My legs could barely support my weight as I stood up. I stumbled my way to the kitchen, gripping the walls to keep myself upright. I grabbed a glass off the draining board and filled it with water. Finished the whole lot in three gulps and repeated the process.
Then I threw up.
I stood over the sink, heaving until there was nothing left. With shaking fingers, I clawed for the kitchen roll and used it to wipe my mouth. Something I ate? But even thinking was hard. It felt like my brain was shutting down.
Tiredness seized my body. Every joint became lead, every muscle, a bag of stones. My vision wavered as my eyelids drew together. I knew I should feel scared, but I couldn’t raise the energy to feel anything. I dragged my body into the hallway and slumped to my knees, crawling up the stairs.