The Birthing House

'I don't know. It just feels right.'

She cooed. 'Oh, that's so sweet. I'm kinda missing you.'

'Yeah?'

'I discovered something about being pregnant.'

'What's that?'

'In the morning I don't feel so hot, but at night?' She giggled, a dare.

'Yeah?'

'I usually fall asleep at like eight, like a short nap, and I have these dreams.' She made an unmistakable mmmmmhhh sound.

'Are you--'

'And when I wake up, I feel like I just had the most incredible sex.'

'What, like--'

'Last night I had to change my clothes after.'

'Change your clothes.'

She giggled again. 'Think about it.'

He got it. 'You're killing me, Jo.'

'Must be the hormones. It's incredible. I wish you were here.'

'Me too.'

He could see her in the hotel room, her swollen belly, all sleepy and writhing in the sheets. Her hand slipping beneath the waist of her panties. He was wracked by a lust that made his knees buckle.

'Too bad Nadia's there. I should let you go.'

Nadia who? 'Wait!'

'Call me later,' his wife said.

'Definitely.'

By the time he had set the phone down his headache was gone. He stood over the sink and drank the iced tea until his erection went away. Why does she do this? He couldn't get her on the phone for a week and now she's got the cord wrapped between her legs? Was it because Nadia was here? Was she staking out turf from four hundred miles away?

He found Nadia in the living room, on the floor with the dogs.

'I'm hungry,' she said.

'Me too. What're you in the mood for?'

They were seated at opposite ends of the long dining-room table Jo's father had given them as a wedding present. Conrad had made sandwiches, then Nadia napped through a Monk marathon. When she woke up, she was hungry again and he cooked penne with Knorr parma rosa sauce. Now he was excited and frightened, and he forced himself to conceal both.

'I was only thirteen the first time it happened. I wasn't even doing it for the money. It was just something to do. Same as the older girls I looked up to. My parents insisted I ask for some money for my time. I think I got a dollar an hour.'

'How old were they?'

'Anna Maybelle was six. Davey was a little younger, maybe four or five.'

'So they'd be in their late teens by now?'

'I guess.'

'That can't be right. When I saw them at Wal-Mart, all the kids were young. I think they had the same names, too. Does she have more?'

'She had two then and she was pregnant with another. Then the twins. I don't know how many she has now.'

'Wait, she had three when I saw her. That's like five kids. And twins? Did they move away or something? The ones you were watching?'

'Moved away. They went away. I don't know why.'

'Nobody ever asked? Even with the names? What's that, like naming your dog Rover Two?'

'Maybe I was confused. Hard to say 'cause by the time my parents started to worry, the Laskis were already sorta on their own. They didn't talk to anyone or go out much. I told you, this isn't going to solve anything.'

'Okay. You were thirteen.'

'Right. But I was also, you know, not your average thirteen-year-old. I was . . . like I am now or close enough.' Here she gestured at her breasts and hips as if to say, what I have now is what I had then. 'I guess my parents knew what happens to girls who are that developed and go babysitting.'

'What happens?'

'Either boys crawl through the window and stuff happens or the father who drives you home gets ideas and stuff happens. Either way something that isn't supposed to happen happens. They kept asking me to call every hour or so to check in. They knew Leon and Mrs Laski had a wedding up in Eau Claire. I was gonna be alone for eight hours at the least. I could tell my mom wanted to come and help me. But my dad said no, it would be good for me to handle them alone. And they were going to be right next door. So no big deal. I liked kids. Or I thought I did, until I started babysitting.

'Those kids. I knew they weren't right. Davey was so quiet, he never seemed to care if he was hungry or thirsty, so I had to ask him a lot if he needed anything. Anna Maybelle was different. All she wanted to do was play with her dolls.'

Conrad raised his hand. 'Dolls?'

'Yeah.'

'What kind?'

'That's what I'm telling you. Why, what's wrong?'

'Nothing. Go on.'

'These little home-made dolls. Now those gave me the creeps. They were made of wood. The Laskis didn't have a TV, either, so maybe that was all she had, but still. The dolls were old and dirty from years of playing. Whoever made them forgot to give them a face. But that wasn't so bad. What really bothered me was their hair. It was like human hair, but dry, brittle. I tried to play with Anna Maybelle, and it was hard, but what was I supposed to do? Let the girl sit there alone all night? What's wrong?'

Her words had turned him white. 'I'm fine. Don't stop now.' She frowned at him. 'There must have been four or five of them. Anna Maybelle was busy changing their clothes around, which weren't much more than some beat up house-dress-looking things, also probably handmade. You could see the stitches on them where someone, probably someone's grandma, had sewn them together. Scuzzy little white trash dolls is what they were. She called one Chessie, like Jessie. And I guess I sort of lost myself for a while then because time passed and I was still making this doll walk and talk and doing little voices, but I wasn't playing with her. Anna Maybelle. I was just babbling to myself and making strange noises and making up stories. How Chessie was going to the store and how Chessie was getting her hair done, because it needed some work. I think . . . I did that for a while, a long while. Because when I looked up both Anna Maybelle and Davey weren't playing any more. They were just staring at me, their dumb mouths hanging open.

'Sorry, that's not very nice. But that's how they looked. For a minute it was like the dolls had become more real than the kids. Like the kids were made of wood and the dolls were . . . I was so lost in their voices it took me a few minutes to realize I was the only one talking. When I looked up, the kids weren't moving or saying anything. That just made me mad. Like they were trying to trick me by sitting perfectly still. I had to yell at them to stop staring off into space like that. Those poor kids. They must have thought I was losing it. When I looked up at the clock I thought maybe twenty minutes had gone by. But that was wrong, by a lot.'

'How long were you playing with them?'

'All night.'

'What do you mean, "all night"?'

'The whole night, Conrad. It was eleven thirty when I stopped. We had been in the living room, sitting on the floor since before seven. I know because I remember looking at the grandfather clock when it gonged right before we sat down and I remembered thinking, that thing is loud. But I never heard it again, not once I started playing with the dolls. I didn't hear anything the whole time. As soon as I realized it, my back hurt and I knew. I'd been sitting there all night. In fact, I would bet anything that they didn't move or say a word the whole time. When I imagined myself sitting there for hours, babbling like an idiot, like, yeah, okay, like I was one of them . . . like one of those retarded kids . . . it scared me. I started crying and I blurted it out. "What's wrong with you? What are you doing?" They started crying. I tried to calm them down but they wouldn't come near me. Davey crawled away fast. Anna Maybelle stood up and actually ran away from me. I had to chase them upstairs.

'Then I smelled it. Going up the stairs. Both the kids had crapped their pants. I mean, sure, they weren't right, but they were well past potty training. It happened while I was playing with those ugly little wooden dolls. So I don't know how long, but they were sitting there in their own filth, for hours. I got upstairs and cleaned them up, but they wouldn't even look at me. I felt sick to my stomach that I had lost myself like that.'