Nadia rubbed her eyes before continuing. 'The other one was in charge. She, he. It took over. She leaned over in front of me and started pulling in bursts while her other hand is squeezing something, maybe pressing me down. And then, very faintly, for the first time I begin to feel something.
'I can feel something hard inside me, like my thighbone or my back, and it's being pulled like the handle of a stuck refrigerator door. I'm scared of what it might be and what they're doing. I think if there is something bad inside of me I want her to get it out. That doesn't make any sense, I know. But for some reason I still trusted them. A part of me feels the same way you do at the dentist. It's my fault I have a cavity. The dentist is the guy who's been working on your teeth for years. It's not pleasant, but you know he's right. You have to let him work. It was like that.
'Then two things happen at the same time. I hear a voice in my head and it's my voice but it's not me talking. It's telling me no, don't let them do it, don't let them do it, you have to stop them, and it's getting louder. It's me shouting at myself to stop whatever they are doing. The second thing that happens is I start to feel pain. It comes slowly like it's real far away. Like a train. I visualize it as a train and I can barely see the light on the front, but it's coming, and the light is the pain. The closer it comes the bigger and brighter the light becomes and the more it hurts and I know when it gets here it's going to be unbearable. I can't stop the train. I don't know why it's coming but it is.
'The one kneeling in front of me bobs her head like she sees something she likes and the me inside of me starts shouting no stop stop stop get away get up and get away and finally the pain wakes me up because it's so close now I can see the blackness behind the light and it feels like someone is burning me from the inside out, and it makes my body jerk and then I have to move. The more I move the more it hurts. And the more it hurts the more scared I am. She starts pulling again and I can feel the arms in front of me, and maybe something like hands inside of me. I'd never had anything inside of me, not inside of me . . . not then, and so I can't be sure, but I'm pretty sure she's inside me and she wants to take me apart in there. You'll never be put back together again! the voice screams at me. Once it comes out you can never put it back in!
'Then the worst thing happens. All three of the zeks in the corner snap their heads up all at once. For the first time I can see their eyes. Their eyes are marbles, black like a newborn's eyes. I'm still waiting for them to smother me or tear me apart when she rakes her arms down over me and the pain explodes inside me and the blood, so much blood, it's black like ink comes out and covers her arms and her face. The ones in the corner run from the room but she stays a minute longer, speaking in a voice that is either mumbled or in another language, I can't understand her, but it's a prayer she saying over me, I think. And then she is gone. The pain is so bad the dark room is gone and everything is white and I can't think or see or move, it's obliterating me the pain is so incredible. It's beyond me, it's impossible to describe because I wasn't there any more and it felt clean. Like it was washing them all away, the zeks can't hurt me, and she can't be inside me any more because the pain and the white is too strong for them. And that's it. Then it was over.'
Conrad swallowed audibly. 'Did you wake up?'
'I was awake. I had been awake the whole time.'
'I don't get it.'
'It just ended. The white and the pain faded and when it was gone I was alone on the bed. I went to check on the kids. They were lying in bed with their eyes open, staring at the ceiling. They looked like they were dead.'
'Jesus, did they see them, too?'
'I don't know. They wouldn't talk. I asked them if they were okay, but they just sat there and I couldn't deal with it, so I turned out the light and went downstairs. The Laskis came in laughing. They were too drunk to walk and Mrs Laski left her purse at the place, so I said forget it, pay me later, and I left.'
'Did you tell anyone? Besides Eddie?'
'No. Not then. The next day Leon came over and gave me seven dollars, asked me how the kids were. I said they had a hard time falling asleep. I think he knew, though, because I was still kind of shaken up and he said something like, "I know it ain't easy putting them down, but that's the way it goes around here, so thank you." Something like that.'
'I'm not sure . . .' Conrad began, then stopped. She was like someone with an alibi and doesn't care who believes her because she was certain of the truth. 'Nadia. If you felt fine after, how can you say it was real?'
'Why are you making me do this?'
'Am I making you do anything, Nadia? Really? Because it seems to me you keep coming back, you keep telling me these things.'
'The zeks - those gray women - they were real. They took my baby away.'
'Who--'
'I'd never been with a man. But I knew I was pregnant. And someone else, those zeks, whatever they were, they were judging me. When they saw I was unfit, they decided they didn't want me to have the baby. So they took it.'
She was a scared kid. She was confused. She's still fucked up about it. Something had happened, but not this. She was wrong, had to be.
'I told you, you don't get to choose what to believe.'
'Then explain it to me, because I don't see how.'
'It took me a long time to understand. It was real, but it didn't happen to me. Not then. Not that night.'
He realized she was crying.
'I was seeing myself, later, like I am now. I saw myself pregnant, and now I am. I saw what would happen if I got pregnant . . .' she was near to sobbing '. . . and I didn't deserve this baby.'
'Oh, no, Nadia. No.' He went around the table and sat beside her, resisting the urge to hug her. He held her hand. 'Don't think that.'
She looked around the room. 'Now do you understand? Why I don't want to be here?'
'Nothing is going to hurt you here.'
'It doesn't matter. You couldn't stop it. If they want to take it, they will.'
'Did you tell your mother? Anybody?'
'Not my mom. Eddie didn't believe me.' She fell into his shoulder and cried. He didn't know what to say, so he held her there for a few minutes until she slowed down and caught her breath. 'What if I don't deserve it?' she said.
'Why wouldn't you deserve it?'
'Because I'm not married. I don't know how to take care of it.'
'That doesn't matter,' he said without hesitation. She wasn't teasing him now. This was real. He still didn't understand, but he was glad she let him in. 'Whatever it takes. I'll help you.'
23
He was back in high school, aware that he hadn't been there for years. He was the older self but also the boy he had been. He was wandering through the halls looking for her. He found her in the cafeteria, sitting on a crackled brown leather couch in the corner. The lunchroom had been half-transformed into someone's house, a house party. He waded through the other students, ignoring them as he pressed forward, thinking of what he would say to her. He knew he had to get it right. Had to say the right thing or else he would scare her away.
When he arrived she looked up at him. She had the same flawless young face, all wide glowing cheeks and semi-flat nose.
Holly. Holy Girl.
He wiped his hands on his jeans. He was a mess, the older version. Wanted to hide this version. She wasn't supposed to see him this way.
'Holly,' he said.
'Shhhsh. Don't say anything,' she said in a whisper. 'She'll hear us.'
Conrad thought of Jo, a stab of guilt pressing into his belly. He turned around and the cafeteria behind him was a black wall. A terrifying black edifice. His fault it was here. He'd brought it with him, let her down. Had to save her. His heart slammed as Holly turned and her face changed--