He chuckled joylessly. "I'm not being a hero, Liv. I just don't like myself that much. So what if I die?"
"That's the most awful thing I've ever heard," Liv said.
"I'm sorry," Kip said. "I'm not trying to be pitiful. I'm just saying-I've got nothing. I'm an orphan, at best a bastard. A shame. I just don't have that much to lose. If I can do something good with my life-or even with my death-then how could I not try?"
He could see her wavering. For the first time, he had hope that he could actually get away with this.
"Please, Liv. If I fail in this-if I can't even get out of the city-I really am a nothing. Please. Don't make me fail in the most important thing I've ever tried to do."
She blinked, then grinned. "I never thought what might happen if you turned that wily tongue against me. You ought to be an orange."
"I do resemble one in general shape, but I'm not sure-"
"A drafter, not a fruit!" she said, laughing.
Oh, he was like a slippery drafter.
"Does this mean you're not going to stop me?" Kip said.
"Worse," she said.
"Huh?"
"You have to do what's right; I have to do what's right. You're my responsibility, Kip."
"Oh no you don't."
"Yes. I'm going with you-or you're not going."
"Liv, you don't understand-" She doesn't understand what? That you're totally smitten with her? That she's beautiful and smart and wonderful and amazing and your whole soul longs just to be with her, but you can't imagine putting her in danger?
"I don't understand what?" she asked. Damn it.
"You're light to me." It slipped out. He couldn't believe he'd said it out loud. His eyes went wide even before hers did.
He'd been nearly physically naked before her when that assassin had tried to kill him. This was worse. He was paralyzed. His lips failed him.
"Very funny, Kip, but you're not going to fool me and slip away when I'm not looking or something. You might be wily, but I wasn't born yesterday."
Oh, thank Orholam! She thought he was joking! A wave of relief passed over him, leaving his knees weak.
"I'm going with you," Liv said, "and that's final. You're right: what you're trying is a good thing. I know Karris is worth saving, and what she's learned could change the whole war. And if you want to succeed, you're going to need my help, and you'd be making me break my oath to look after you if you don't let me come."
He had used that "don't make me break my oath" thing as the whole linchpin of his argument. He didn't particularly like having it turned against him, but with his whole brain in a fog-his heart was still pounding hard-he couldn't exactly counter it.
"Besides," Liv said more quietly, "even if you're not running away from anything, maybe one of us is."
"Huh?" Kip said. "Huh" is the best I can manage? Great.
"I'm coming. Let's go," Liv said.
Together, they found the old man who'd been shouting at the crowd earlier, and got directions to King Garadul's army: "Head south and follow the tracks. Thousands have gone already. If you want to join the army rather than be useless like the rest of the camp followers, tell the recruiting sergeant that Gerain sent you."
The guards at the Hag's Gate didn't even look at them twice. Outside the city, Kip found a rock, stood on it, and wiggled his way into the saddle. Liv took his hand and climbed up behind him. The huge draft horse seemed to have no trouble with the weight. Kip willed himself to relax as Liv put her arms around his waist to hold on.
Still, Kip hesitated, looking north, looking back at Garriston. Come on, Kip, you've done dumber things and lived to tell the tale.
Not so sure about that. Still, Kip prodded the big horse and they began the long trip.
Chapter 67
It started as a dull throb. It always did. For a while, Karris hoped her stomach was reacting to the food King Garadul was practically forcing down her gullet. Karris hadn't had her moon blood in six months. Like most of the women of the Blackguard, her flow was irregular at best. Their level of training simply precluded it. But when Karris had hers, it was like her body was making up for lost pain.
Damn King Garadul. This was his fault. The enforced boredom was driving Karris mad-sitting in the wagon, unable to do much, and constantly checked on. When they'd found her doing strength exercises, they'd sent in three drafters and two Mirrormen. The six barely all fit in the little wagon. Karris had been seized by the Mirrormen and laid over the knee of one of the drafters. Literally laid over her knee.
The woman had produced a man's leather belt and beat Karris's bottom raw. Like she was a recalcitrant child. She'd been caught three times, and the punishment never changed, but gradually her will to resist did. It had seemed like too small and inconsequential a rebellion to keep up.
Now she wished she had. The throbbing was already spreading to her back. Not long now for the diarrhea to start.
Love being a woman.
The other women of the Blackguard took advantage of their relative freedom from moon blood as also granting relative freedom from worrying about pregnancy. Karris just enjoyed her relative freedom from pain. It had been years since she'd had sex with anything more than her pillow. Not that she wanted to think about that right now. In fact, she thought if she even saw a man she'd tear his eyes out.
It was for men that women suffered this. As the old saw said, a woman has to bleed to fertilize man's seed. Chronologically confused, but true enough.
They brought her the dress in the morning.
It wasn't the kind of clothing one would expect to be asked to wear for one's execution. It wasn't an exact copy of the dress she'd worn when she'd finally given in to her father's demands and joined Gavin at the head of his armies when they'd reclaimed Ru, but it was close. For one thing, it was black silk rather than green. King Garadul's tailor had obviously been working either from memory or a painting of the day or they had simply decided to alter the dress for the changes of sixteen years of fashion.
The fit would be perfect, of course.
Karris stared at the dress with loathing all day, as cramps wracked her guts, as the inevitable diarrhea came, as she nearly passed out a couple of times. That dress symbolized more than giving in to Rask Garadul's childish fantasy. That dress was Karris's youth. It was the girl she'd been. It was femininity, softness, yielding. The desperate grubbing for people's eyes, for the jealousy of the other girls, for the envy of older women, for the attention of men. Karris had been weak and petty and stupid, hopelessly dependent.
They would force her to wear the dress, of course. She could wear it now, or be beaten until she gave in and wore it. Of course, she could tear it to shreds. While satisfying, that would only delay the inevitable. Besides, they weren't going to let her out of here without the dress. She was certain of that much. What she didn't know was if they would let her out even with the dress. Still, it was a better chance than nothing. And how was she going to kill Rask Garadul from in here?
She put on the dress.
She wanted to hate it. She wanted to hate it with a passion. But she hadn't worn anything that fit her so well in years. Her Blackguard garb, of course, fit like a glove, but those were work clothes. This, the whisper of fine silk on skin, was altogether different. It fit like a sheath. If it hadn't been so perfectly tailored, she wouldn't have been able to breathe, much less move. The dress was curve-hugging around her hips and stomach, and the more generous scalloped neckline drew attention to both the liquid dazzle of folds of fine silk and to her cleavage. Surely her old dress hadn't been so low-cut in the back, the few thin interlaced ties only emphasizing her back's essential nakedness. Looking down at her chest-there was no mirror in the room-she hoped she didn't get cold. If she did, everyone was going to know it.
Had her dress been unlined when she was that stupid sixteen-year-old? Had she not even noticed? She honestly couldn't remember. All she could remember was loving that dress. She'd felt like the goddess Atirat standing next to Gavin in it, long hair caught up in a diamond-and-emerald-encrusted tiara, people practically worshipping them. She'd convinced herself that she could love Gavin. At first, before the Luxlords' Ball, she'd felt more attraction toward him than toward Dazen. Surely she could blow that coal back to flame.