If I said I could not marry him, what would happen?
He would go to Yorkshire and I should not see him for a while. I would probably not see much of them again. The thought depressed me.
He was waiting for me to say something.
‘Tm sorry, Roland.” I turned to him and it hurt me to see the expression of misery in his face. I knew then that I did care for him. I was very fond of both him and his sister. Her lively conversation, his calm strength, had meant a good deal to me during those days in France. I did not want to lose them. I went on, “You see, Roland, what happened was so devastating. It was so sudden.”
“I know. I understand perfectly.”
“I feel that I am still reeling from the blow.”
He nodded.
“It was not only my father. There was something else.”
“Please tell me, Lucie.”
“My engagement was going to be announced.”
“Your engagement!”
“Yes. It was to someone I had known for a long time. His people were great friends of my father’s. He was in politics. He went to Buganda... and was murdered.”
“Oh, my poor Lucie. I had no idea. I remember something... was it a group of MPs on some mission?”
“Yes. Joel and I were going to announce our engagement when he returned.”
“And you... were in love with him?”
“Yes.”
He put his arm round me and held me against him. I felt comforted.
“And you feel you could not love anyone else,” he said bleakly.
“I ... don’t know.”
“You must have been very young ...”
“Well, it was not so long ago, but I seem to have grown up a good deal since then.”
“I understand. You have not recovered from this blow. But you do like us ... you like me and you like Phillida, don’t you?”
“Of course I do. I’m very fond of you both.”
“You have been so badly hurt. First your father... and then this young man ... and in such a short time.”
“Life is like that, I believe. When misfortunes come it is not always singly.”
“I’m glad you told me. You were very much in love with him, weren’t you?”
“I ... thought so.”
“But you were very young.”
“I know that I was very happy when he asked me to marry him; and now he is gone.
He is dead... just as my father is.”
“I want to care for you. I want to bring you back to happiness. I want to show you that life can be good again.”
I just sat there with his arm about me while I stared at the graves and found myself wondering about the life and loves of those who were lying under the gravestones. They also would have had their tragedies to face; they would have been brought face-to-face with decisions which could shape their lives.
I knew that I wanted to stay there with him beside me. I did not want him to go away. I wanted a chance to forget the tragedies of the past and when I was with him and Phillida I could laugh and forget for a while.
He was right. I did need to start afresh, and even Rebecca could not help with that because she was too close to the tragedy.
Yet I hesitated. Thinking of Rebecca, I knew I must talk to her.
I said, “Roland, I have grown so fond of you and Phillida. But I am unsure. Marriage is not something which can be undertaken lightly.”
“By no means. You are going to say you need time to think about it. That is right, of course. You should think about it. That was what you were going to say, wasn’t it, Lucie?”
“Yes,” I answered.
He held me tightly to him. “Then I can continue to hope,” he said. “I think that when you leave for Yorkshire I shall go down to my sister Rebecca in Cornwall.”
“That seems a good idea.”
“She has been like a mother to me.”
“She is a wonderful woman. Both Phillida and I said that of her. We loved her because we could see how much she cared for you.”
“Yes,” I said. “I shall go to Rebecca.”
“And when you come back I shall have my answer?”
I nodded.
He kissed my cheek again lightly. “Oh, Lucie,” he said. “You can’t know how important it is to me that you say yes.”
As we walked slowly back to our horses, he slipped his arm through mine. I felt a great urge to say yes; but something restrained me. I did want to talk to Rebecca first.
When we arrived back we were just in time for luncheon. Phillida was waiting for us. She searched our faces eagerly. She had known Roland was going to ask me to marry him. I was not surprised at that. They were so close and she was the sort of person who would know exactly what was going on, so she would be aware of his feelings for me. I could see by the expectant look on her face that she very much wanted us to marry. I felt then how good it would be if the three of us were together. I could visualize a happy life with them. “How was your morning?” she asked.
“Interesting,” Roland told her.
“The church is so ancient,” I said. “It is amazing how those Norman buildings stand up to time. How did the soufflé go?”
“You’ll be able to judge that for yourselves.” I sensed that she was disappointed. It was wonderful to be with Rebecca again. There was a warm welcome for me at High Tor. Alvina and Jake wanted to take me off to the nursery so that they might show me their toys and Pedrek said how nice it was to see me and that I did not come to Cornwall often enough.
Rebecca, who knew me so well, realized at once that there was something on my mind, and on the very first night after I had retired she came to my bedroom for the customary chat.
“Something’s happened,” she announced. “Is that why you are here?”
“I very much wanted to talk to you.”
“Well?”
“Roland Fitzgerald has asked me to marry him.”
I could see that she was pleased. “Such a nice man. I liked him... and his sister. The way they brought you back from France is an indication as to the sort of people they are.”
“Yes, I know.”
“Well, are we going to have a wedding?”
“I don’t know, Rebecca. I’m so uncertain.”
“You are thinking of Joel still?”
“Of course.”
She took me by the shoulders and looked into my face. “You can’t go on grieving forever, Lucie,” she said.
“I know. That is what Roland says.”
“He knows... about Joel?”
“I told him.”
“Lucie, the sooner you break away from the past it is going to be easier for you.”
“That’s what Roland implies.”
“He’s right. He’s a good man and he loves you.”
“Yes, I think he does. But there is more to it than that.”
“You mean you don’t care for him?”
“I do ... in a way. They have been so good to me... both he and his sister ...”
“Oh, there is his sister. I suppose she feels a little put out.”
“Oh, no, no. I am sure she knew he was going to ask me. You see, we went out riding, just the two of us ... but I felt he had talked it over with her beforehand. Which was natural. She had made an excuse not to come. She was waiting for our return and when there was no announcement I think she was a little disappointed.”
“Oh! So you really think she wants you to marry him?”
“Yes, I do. You see, the three of us get on so well together. She was so much a part of the trio. Roland is rather quiet. She does most of the talking. She is very jolly.”
“And you are fond of her.”
“It would be difficult not to be. She is so charming and so kind. She is really a delightful person.”
“It seems to me that you want to be part of that trio,” said Rebecca. “I rather think I do. But ... I am not sure. It is not so very long since I was thinking of marrying Joel.”