“So you really do care for him.”
“It wouldn’t be right. He has done so much for me. When I needed help he was there. I’ve got to accept what happened, Joel, and so have you. What you are suggesting is wrong. I have the temptation... just as you have. It’s what I want ... to be with you always... but it can’t be. You’ve got to go on and become a prominent politician... and I have to go on being Roland’s wife.”
“All the time I have been away I have been thinking of coming home to you,” he said. “It makes me happy to hear you say that, Joel, but at the same time I am desperately sad because it cannot be. You must continue with your career. I shall go to Yorkshire. It is the only thing we can do.”
“I won’t accept that,” he said.
“You must.”
We sat for a few moments and then I rose.
“Joel, I must go now.”
He said nothing and we walked soberly back to the house.
No sooner was I in my room than Belinda was there.
“You’ve been out with Joel Greenham,” she accused.
“How did you know?”
“I saw you come along the street with him. I saw him take your hand and kiss it.
Oh, Lucie, you look so sad. Are you in love with him?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“How like you! It helps to talk, you know. I might be able to help.”
“You? How?”
“Don’t sound so surprised. I would do anything to help you. So would Bobby. Think what you did for us. Are you going to leave Roland and go off with Joel?”
“Don’t be absurd.”
“Is it absurd? You only married Roland because you thought Joel was dead. Now here he is ... returned from the grave... and it is obvious how you feel about each other.”
“Is it?”
“The blind would be aware of it.”
“Belinda, leave me in peace.”
She came to me and kissed me. She was surprisingly tender. “I know you think I’m a selfish beast, but I do love you, Lucie. I want to pay you all I owe you. I will one day, you’ll see.”
“Thank you, Belinda. But the best thing you can do for me now is to leave me in peace.”
She went out ruefully, and I continued to brood. To go away with him? What would that mean? An end to his career for one thing, for there would be a great scandal, of course. Scandals had impaired my father’s career and he was not the only one in the family who had suffered in that way. Joel’s heart was in politics and, I supposed, in those secret missions which he undertook from time to time. And myself? How could I hurt Roland who loved me? I knew he did. He was quiet and gentle, but with such people love went deep. How could I deal him such a blow?
And the alternative? To go on as we were. I must say goodbye to real happiness. All through my life I must be prepared to accept a compromise ... a second best. Temptation came. Go to Joel... forget everything else. We had been cheated of our life together. Joel wanted us to take it ... and so did I. But whatever I did, there could not be unalloyed happiness.
If I went with Joel, I should always remember Roland. I would never be able to forget his kind, patient eyes. I could picture his misery when he learned of my defection. Yet on the other hand if I went back to Roland, I would always remember Joel. He would never be out of my thoughts. Whichever way I turned, I could never be truly happy.
I saw Joel again. He came to the house. He was determined to see me, to plead with me.
I met him once more in the Gardens and we sat on the same seat and talked. He asked a lot of questions about Roland and his sister. I explained how close they were, how their parents had been killed in a railway accident and how they had looked after each other ever since. He asked about the wool business. There was so little I could tell him. When I was in Yorkshire I should surely learn more about it. I was not very interested. I could think of nothing but what I was missing; and I was telling myself that I must not meet Joel again lest I found the temptation, to let everything go and be with him, irresistible.
I had been in London for a week and I was thinking that I must go back. Very soon now Bobby and Belinda would be leaving. Celeste wanted me to stay, but she knew that I was in some turmoil and she must have guessed it concerned Joel. Celeste had never intruded-unlike Belinda-and she had always been self-effacing. She was there ... if one wanted her. Dear Celeste! Her life could not have been a happy one. Perhaps, I thought, few people’s are; and it is only the Belindas of this world who are so determined to get what they want that they almost invariably do.
There was a letter from Roland.
“My dearest Lucie,” he wrote,
We are always saying how sorry we are that you are not with us. The search has not been very fruitful. It is amazing how difficult it is to find suitable property up here.
Something has come up, though. There is a reasonably suitable house here to let. Phillida and I thought we would take it as somewhere to live while we looked around until we find the right place to buy. Obviously that is something which cannot be done in a few weeks ... if we are going to find something we all really like. We thought we’d stay in this house for a little while and search. How does that strike you?
Let me tell you the house is called Gray Stone House. It’s a few miles out of Bradford. There are stables and we could hire horses for a month or so. So that problem is solved. It’s in a sort of village-Bracken. I thought we might take the house for say three months and renew if necessary. I think it might take that time to find our place and furnish and do all that is necessary.
Do you think this is a good idea? We have taken the house tentatively. Phillida is delighted with it and she is sure you will be. It is furnished... after a fashion, and there are several rooms. It is by no means grand but adequate. We thought you might join us here. It’s not worth our coming back. What about Wednesday next? Would that give you time? That is, of course, if all this is agreeable to you. Phillida is very excited, but you know what she is. She likes things to move. I am sure you and she will thoroughly enjoy house hunting together. I am so looking forward to Wednesday. It seems such a long time without you.
I hope you are enjoying London, that Belinda and Bobby are well, and Celeste better.
With all my love,
Your devoted husband,
Roland
When I read the letter it seemed to put a seal on everything. Of course I must go to Yorkshire. I must put an end to my foolish dreaming of something which could never come to pass.
The night before Belinda and Bobby left she came to my room. I myself was leaving the following day. She looked at me with real concern in her eyes. “I know what’s happening,” she said. “It’s Joel, isn’t it? You never really loved Roland. Well, he was nice and in love with you, and we all thought it would be good for you to marry. How were we to know Joel would come back? Oh, Lucie, I’m so sorry for you. It doesn’t seem fair somehow. You’ve always been good to me and I’ve been awful at times... and now here I am with my wonderful old Bobby... and Henry doing what we want and it’ll soon be through... and everything will be fine for us. I do think about you, though.”
“Thank you, Belinda.”
“You sound surprised.” She laughed. “I do really wish there was something I could do ... for you, I mean. I’d like to show you that I do care about other people sometimes-particularly you. Not often, I grant you, but I should so love to help you.”
“There isn’t anything you can do, Belinda. It’s all so clear. I shall have to go up to Yorkshire. It’ll be all right. It has been so far.”