“Sure, the books will tell you the vocational high school affords manual training for students who want to work with their hands. That’s all so much horse manure. Believe me, there’s only one thing these guys want to do with their hands. So some bright bastard figured a way to keep them off the streets. He thought of the vocational high school. Then he hired a bunch of guys with fat asses, a few with college degrees, to sit on the lid of the garbage can. That way, his wife and daughter can walk the streets without getting raped.”
“No one would want to rape your wife, Solly,” Savoldi said sadly.
“Except me,” Solly said. “The point is, you got to keep them off the streets. And this is as good a place as any. We’re just combinations of garbage men and cops, that’s all.”
“I don’t think that’s true,” Rick said slowly. “I mean, there are surely boys here who really want to learn a trade.”
“You find me one,” Solly said. “Go ahead. Listen, I’ve been teaching here for twelve years, and only once did I find anything of worth in the garbage. People don’t knowingly dump diamonds in with the garbage. They throw crap in the garbage, and that’s what you’ll find here.”
“That’s why I want an all-girls’ school,” Manners said.
“Yeah, sure,” Solly said. “The only difference in an all-girls’ school is that you’ll find perfume along with the crap in the garbage.”
“You’re just bitter,” Savoldi said.
“Sure,” Solly said. “I should have been a teacher instead of a garbage man.”
“Garbage men get good salaries,” Savoldi put in.
“Which is more than teachers get,” Solly answered.
“Me,” Savoldi said sadly, “I’m very happy here.”
“That’s because you’re stupid,” Solly told him.
“No, I’m smart,” Savoldi admitted. “I teach Electrical Wiring, and that gives me bread and butter. Outside, I do odd jobs, and that gives me little luxuries.”
“I don’t see you driving a Caddy.”
“I don’t want a Caddy. I’m not that ambitious.”
“You’re not ambitious at all,” Solly told him.
“I have one ambition,” Savoldi said, nodding his head. “Just one.”
“What’s that?”
“Someday I’m going to rig an electric chair and bring it to class with me. I’m going to tell the kids it’s a circuit tester, and then I’m going to lead the little bastards in one by one and throw the switch on them. That’s my ambition.”
“And you’re happy here,” Solly said dryly.
“Sure. I’m happy. I’m like a man in a rainstorm. When the rain is coming down, I put on my raincoat. When I get home, I take off the coat and put it in the closet and forget all about it. That’s what I do here. I become Mr. Savoldi the minute I step through the door to the school, and I’m Mr. Savoldi until 3:25 every day. Then I take off the Mr. Savoldi raincoat, and I go home, and I become Lou again until the next morning. No worries that way.”
“Except one,” Solly said.
“What’s that?” Savoldi asked politely.
“That the kids will rig that goddamned electric chair before you do. Then they’ll throw the switch and good-by Mr. Savoldi and Lou, too.”
“These kids couldn’t wire their way into a pay toilet, even if they had a nickel’s head start,” Savoldi said sadly. He sipped at his tea and added, “You made my tea get cold.”
“Maybe the kids just need a chance,” Rick said lamely. “Hell, they can’t all be bad.”
“All right,” Solly said, “you give them their chance. But whatever you do, don’t turn your back on them.”
“I turned my back on them this morning,” Rick said, a little proudly.
“And you didn’t get stabbed?” Solly shrugged. “The first day of school. They probably left their hardware home.”
“You’re exaggerating,” Rick said, smiling.
“I am, huh? All right, I’m exaggerating. Tell him how much I’m exaggerating, Lou.”
“He’s exaggerating,” Savoldi said. “Solly is a big crap artist.”
“I turned my back on a class just once,” Solly said, “that’s all, just once. I never turned my back again after that.”
“What happened?” Rick asked.
“I was putting a diagram of a carburetor on the board. You have to illustrate things for these dumb bastards or they don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. I had my back turned for about forty seconds. I had hardly picked up the goddamned chalk and started the drawing.”
“I heard this story already,” Savoldi said sadly.
“Yeah, well it’s true,” Solly said defensively.
“What happened?” Rick prodded.
“A goddamn baseball came crashing into the blackboard about two inches away from my head. It knocked a piece of slate out of the board as big as a half dollar.” Solly nodded, remembering the experience.
“What’d you do?” Rick asked.
“He wet his pants,” Savoldi said.
“You would have, too,” Solly said. “I did that, and then I got so goddamned mad I was ready to rip everyone of those bastards into little pieces. I turned around, and they were all sitting there dead-panned, with that stupid, innocent look on their faces. And then I cooled down and played it smart. I picked up the baseball, dropped it in the wastebasket, smiled, and said, ‘You’ll never pitch for the Yanks, boy.’ Just that. But I never turned my back again. Even writing on the board. I do it sideways.”
“Like a Chink,” Savoldi said. “Solly is part Mongolian.”
“Thank God I’m not part wop.”
“I’m all wop,” Savoldi said.
“Solly’s right,” George Katz put in, laying down his history book for a moment. “You’ve got to realize what you’re dealing with. You’ve got to understand the problem of most of these kids, and adjust your teaching accordingly.”
“What teaching?” Solly wanted to know. “Who’s kidding who? There’s no teaching involved here, none at all. The sooner you realize that, the better off you’ll be.”
“Well,” Katz said respectfully, “I think that’s carrying it a little far.”
“I’m understating it,” Solly said flatly. “If you want to be a success at Manual Trades, or any other goddamn vocational high school, you’ve got to live by two simple rules. One: Forget any preconceived notions you may have had about adolescents wanting to learn. There’s no truth in that when you apply it to the vocational high school. Two: Remember that self-preservation is the first law of life. Period. Amen.”
“I told you,” Savoldi said wistfully, “Solly’s a philosopher.”
“You didn’t tell us,” Solly said, “but who’s paying attention anyway?”
“You should have been President of the United States,” Savoldi said. “You’re going to waste, Solly.”
“Agh, who’s the President?” Solly asked. “He sits when he goes to the can, doesn’t he?”
George Katz laughed, and Manners said, “Anyway, I’m looking for an all-girls’ school.”
“All right. Lover Boy,” Solly said. “Look. I hope you find it.”
“Me too,” Manners said, smiling.
“Me, I’m stuck in the Forbidden City. I tried to get out of it a long time ago. But once you’re appointed here, it’s like being made a guard on Devil’s Island. There’s no escape.”
“I’m just a sub,” Manners said. “I won’t have any trouble.”
“Mazoltov,” Solly said, bowing his head.
There was the sound of loud laughter in the kitchen outside, and Solly said, “Here comes the Captain.” The laughing got louder, and then the red-headed gym teacher whom Rick had seen earlier burst into the dining room, slapping his thighs, tears rolling down his face.