“Well, fine,” Rick said with false enthusiasm, looking at Josh’s face again. You may be getting there, he thought, but where the hell are you getting, Josh? He turned his eyes from Josh’s face, wondering if his concern had shown. The beating that night had done something to Josh. He’d come to school the following Monday, of course, but something seemed to have gone out of him. Not his desire to teach the kids, certainly, because that was still obviously there. The energy, perhaps, the restless, nervous energy that had been so much a part of him before. Or perhaps his optimistic viewpoint. Perhaps that had fled.
Whatever it was, he was not looking well lately. There were heavy pockets of shadow beneath his eyes, and his cheekbones stood out too prominently, and Rick didn’t like the tight way he carried his mouth. There was such a thing as trying too hard, even in a vocational school, and Josh was apparently doing just that.
“Unless you like walking in the snow,” Josh said softly, “I can give you a lift to the bus stop. I’ve got my brother’s car today.”
“Nothing I like better than a walk in the snow,” Rick said, attempting to get a smile out of Josh. “Unless it’s a ride in the snow. Lead me to it, boy.”
“I’m dropping Lois off, too,” Josh said, unsmiling. “You don’t mind, do you?”
“He’d better not mind,” Lois said, looking at Rick in a surprisingly warningly way.
“No, not at all,” Rick said, puzzled, wondering what had prompted the almost possessive, proprietary look she’d given him. Hell, he thought, it’s my imagination. They walked down the corridor and then out of the building, and Lois took his arm as they went down the steps. She looked at the slushy snow underfoot and said, “I hate snow. I’m scared to death of slipping.”
“Careful,” Rick said, aware of the pressure of her hand on his arm, feeling uncomfortable because he was used to Anne’s hand on his arm, and this hand did not belong to Anne.
They began crossing the schoolyard, and Rick spotted Miller leaning against the cyclone fence, and then he noticed West beside him with a cigarette dangling from his mouth. Rick glanced at Miller, and the boy looked back and then smiled disarmingly.
“Hello, Mr. Dadier,” he said politely. “Nice day, ain’t it?”
“If you like snow,” Rick said, smiling back.
“Oh, yes, I like snow,” Miller said. West’s eyes traveled the length of Lois Hammond’s body, and then a smirk filled his mouth.
“Good-night, boys,” Rick said.
“ ’Night,” Miller said. West did not answer.
Rick coughed uneasily. He turned his eyes from Miller, increasingly aware of Lois’s hand on his arm. He wanted to shake the hand off, but he knew he couldn’t do that, and at the same time he felt guilty as hell, and he thought of Anne and wondered how she’d react to a glimpse of this scene.
“It’s this way,” Josh said, turning right as they left the schoolyard. They walked in silence, the snow squeaking underfoot, a cold nip in the air. When they reached the car. Josh unlocked the door and then walked around to the driver’s side. Rick helped Lois in as Josh waited for his door to be opened. She slid onto the seat, and her coat caught for an instant, pulling back over her nylons. She reached down and adjusted the coat almost immediately, but not before Rick had seen the taut tops of her stockings and a little of the white flesh beyond that. He turned away as she pulled down the coat, and then he slid onto the seat beside her.
Josh rapped on the window, and Lois giggled suddenly. “Oh my goodness, we’ve forgotten Josh,” she said. She looked at Rick curiously, and he wondered about her choice of language, including him in the “we’ve forgotten Josh,” as if they’d been so involved in something else, so completely unaware, that they’d forgotten Josh completely. She reached over for the inside handle near the driver’s seat, straightening one nyloned leg, and Rick unconsciously looked down at her leg, averting his gaze when she turned back suddenly, glanced at her leg, and then smiled.
He felt very warm all at once. His face was very warm even though Josh let in a blast of cold air when he opened his door. Josh crowded onto the seat, and Lois moved closer to Rick, her thigh tight against his. He felt the warmth of her body, and he thought again of Anne, and he said to himself. Hey Dadier, am I imagining all this? Am I crazy? and Lois moved her leg at that moment, and her foot brushed his lightly, and he knew goddamn well he wasn’t imagining anything.
“It’s crowded,” Lois said, smiling. “I like crowded cars in the winter. They’re so cozy.”
Rick remained silent. He did not like this warm feeling within him, and he did not like the feeling of guilt that accompanied it. He knew that Lois Hammond was a woman, and it had been a long time since he’d looked at any woman as a woman, at least any woman other than Anne. He wondered if Anne’s pregnancy had anything to do with this strange new awareness, and he tried to recall the last time he and Anne had enjoyed bed together, and then he told himself that was foolish, that had nothing to do with it. But the pressure of Lois’s thigh against his own was disconcerting, and he wished Josh would hurry up and start the car and take him to the goddamned bus stop and hurry up about it because he felt uncomfortable, and he felt uncomfortable because he was feeling like a man reacting to a desirable woman, and he sure as hell did not want to be reacting to any woman, least of all Lois Hammond, when Anne was home and waiting for him and probably feeling as big as a balloon.
Josh started the car, and Lois wiggled on the seat, wiggled so gently that it could hardly be classed as a wiggle at all unless someone was waiting for it, unless someone was anticipating it, and then it felt very much like a wiggle, almost like a suggestive tautening of flesh on the thigh, almost like the seductive nuzzling of a woman curling up for the night.
He could smell her perfume very close to him, and he was exceptionally warm now, with the blood all clotted up there in his face. He wanted to loosen his tie, but he knew that would seem foolish. He wanted to get away from her, too, and yet there was something else inside him that enjoyed the soft feel of her thigh against his, and the light movement of her foot brushing his own.
He sat unmoving because he didn’t want her to think he knew what was going on, didn’t want her to know he was enjoying and disliking this at the same time. He sat scarcely breathing, but he saw the tiny smile on her flawless face, and he knew damn well he wasn’t fooling her a bit, not one goddamn bit.
The car was in motion now, and when Josh rounded a corner she was hurled against Rick, and she seemed to move sideways when the car turned, so that her breast touched his arm as she was thrown toward him. She lingered there for an instant, and he thought back to that day she was about to be raped. He could feel her breast against his arm now, and he wanted to take his arm away, but he didn’t, until finally she moved and he was grateful for that, but sorry at the same time. She turned sideways on the seat, and her knees touched his gently, nylon-sleek, touched his for the fraction of a second and then pulled away.
He thought of Anne. He thought of Anne, and he remembered the touch of her hair, and the color of her eyes, and the way she used to look, and he remembered her sweetness above all, the sweetness of her that he had never found in another woman, the thing he loved most about her. He thought of Anne, and he forgot the pressure of Lois’s thigh against his, forgot Lois completely.
“I’m going to bring my records in next week,” Josh said tiredly. “Remember I told you about them, Rick?”
“Yes,” Rick said.
“Going to bring them in,” Josh said, as if he were trying to convince himself to do just that. “Give the kids a lesson on jazz.”