He listened to all of that helplessly, desperate to respond, but without anything to say. Because it was all true—all, save the implication that their recent closeness was no more than a ploy on his part. But he could see that it seemed that way, and besides, he didn't have the energy to argue. If she wanted it this way, it would only make things easier should they reach an impasse later on.
So instead of arguing, he only lowered his head, knowing that she would take that as a sign that everything she said was true. And after a moment she rode off to where Tsem, Brother Horse, and Yuu'han traveled in a little clump.
IN two days they entered the dark majesty of Balat. Hezhi was awestruck by the trees, for though she had seen them in dreams long ago in Nhol, the dreams failed to do justice to their sheer, overwhelming majesty. Some were two horse-lengths in diameter, and the canopy those gargantuan columns supported was like distant green stained glass, the occasional real rays of sunlight that actually fell through that imperial ceiling shining like diamonds amongst the ferns and dead leaves of the forest floor.
Her godsight showed her many things skulking just beyond the edge of vision: ghosts, and gods of a hundred descriptions. Balat was alive in a way that she had never imagined. Despite her resentment—despite having been herself threatened—she began to understand why the Huntress strove so implacably to protect this place. She saw now that Nhol and its empire rested on merely the corpse of a land. The only things that thrived there were Human Beings and the plants and animals thralled to them—as the Humans were thralled to the River. Balat was as the whole world had been, once—alive. The “monsters” her ancestors had destroyed lived here still, and they gave breath to the world.
Though to be fair to her ancestors, being rid of such creatures as the Blackgod and the Huntress could at times seem desirable.
Five evenings later they capped a hill and she saw She'leng. She realized, with a start, that she had seen it earlier that day and believed it to be nothing more than a remote cloud, for it was so distant that it was only just darker than the sky. Nothing could be that far away and yet fill so much of the sky except a cloud. But when the sun touched it, and red-gold blood quickened on the outline of the peak, it stood revealed, like a ghost suddenly re-imbued with life and substance. It was still so far distant as to only be a shadow, but what a shadow! Its perfect cone filled the western quarter of the horizon. Truly such a place might give birth to gods, might humble even the likes of the River.
Throughout the journey, Perkar had become more and more distant, and though Hezhi wept about it once, secretly, she hardened her heart against him. She had given him the opportunity to dispute her, to tell her she was wrong, that he felt something more than some offensive mixture of anger and duty regarding her. He had refused the opportunity, and she would not give him the chance to hurt her again.
Besides, as the mountain waxed in the following days, recognition of the sheer audacity of what they were about grew proportionally, and that brought with it not only fear but a thriving excitement that she hadn't expected. Once she had stood on the edge of the palace, proposing her own death. Now she proposed to kill a god, the god of her ancestors—her ancestor.
Feeling an awkward need to express such feelings, she reluctantly guided her mount to where Brother Horse rode. He greeted her cheerfully, though since Raincaster's death his face more often fell in solemn lines.
“Hello, shizhbee” he said.
“It is well,” she answered, in Mang—her acceptance of his calling her granddaughter once again. He understood and smiled more broadly.
“I did have hopes of making a Mang out of you,” he remarked.
“I had hopes of being one,” she returned, a little more harshly than she intended. They wouldn't let me, she finished silently. But Brother Horse knew that, caught the implication, and an uneasy silence followed.
“I'm sorry,” Hezhi went on, before the quiet could entirely cocoon them. “You've been good to me, Brother Horse, better than I could have ever expected.”
“I've done no more than any other old man would do, to keep the company of a beautiful young girl.”
She actually blushed. “That's very—”
“It's true” Brother Horse insisted. “I'm like an old fisherman, come to sit down by the lake for a final time. I rest here with my feet in the water, and I know in my bones I won't be taking my catch home, not this time. Old men spend so much time thinking about the lake, about the dark journey that awaits us. The sight of beauty becomes precious—better than food, beer, or sex. And you have a glorious beauty in you, child, one that only someone with sight like mine can appreciate.”
“You aren't going to die,” Hezhi whispered.
“Of course I am.” Brother Horse snorted. “If not today, tomorrow, and if not tomorrow, the next day. But it doesn't matter, you see? There's nothing to be done about that. And this is fine company to die in.”
“I was worried that you came only because you thought you hadto.”
“What difference does that make?” Brother Horse asked.
“It's just that… I'm sorry about…” She remembered just in time that it was considered rude to name the dead until that name was passed on to another. “About your nephew,” she finished lamely.
His face did cloud then. “He was beautiful, too,” he murmured. ”What is comforting about beauty is that we know we will leave it behind us—that it goes on. When it precedes us, that's tragedy.”
He turned his face from her, and she heard a suspicious quaver in his voice when he spoke down to Heen, who trotted dolefully along the other side of his horse. “Heen says that's the problem with being as old as we are,” he muttered gruffly. “Too much goes before you.”
He reached over and ran his rough hand on her head, and she did catch a glint of moisture in his eyes. “But you won't,” he muttered. ”I'll see to that.” He straightened in the saddle and coughed. ”Now. What did you really ride over here to talk about?”
“It's not important.”
“I think it is. You've been silent as a turtle for three days, and now you choose to speak. What's on your mind?”
She sighed and tried to collect the fragments of what she had been thinking. “I was wondering how I should be feeling, going to slay my own ancestor. It should seem like murder, like patricide. Like killing my own father.”
Brother Horse looked at her oddly. “But you don't feel that way.”
“No … a little maybe. I was brought up to worship him. But then I remember my cousin, D'en, and the others below the Darkness Stair. I remember him filling me up, being inside of me, and I don't feel very daughterly at all. I want him to die. With so many gods in the world, he will hardly be missed.”
“Not true,” Brother Horse said. “His absence will be felt, but gladly. The world will be better without him. Are you afraid?”
“I was. I have been. But now I only feel excited.”
The old man smiled. “Felt that way myself, on my first raid. Just kept seeing that trophy skin in my hand, decorating my yekt. I was scared, too, but I didn't know it. The two feelings were all braided up.”