“You know what else I realized? The dark’s not so bad. As a matter of fact, I like it.” His breathing rate became a bit heavier. “It’s where I belong, it’s safer here for me.”
Donald pulled his cigarettes from his shirt pocket and stabbed one between his lips without lighting it. “What the hell is he babbling about?”
I shrugged and stared at the tape deck, waiting for Bernard to continue.
“But every road comes to an end,” he said, “and mine’s almost there. I tried, man, I really fucking did, but the shit was already decided—preordained, you know what I mean? Think real hard—try to remember, and you will.”
Rick turned from the window, faced us, his mouth set firmly shut, jaw working as he ground his teeth.
“The point is,” Bernard went on, “I’m not the harmless little loser-boy you thought I was. Outside of our group I never had a social life really. Girls never paid any attention to me, and when they did it was to laugh at me or give me one of those looks to let me know there was no chance in hell they’d ever have anything to do with me. The friendships and bonds I had with you guys only went so far… but when you went off and did your own thing, well, so did I. I stopped running from the rage, man. I faced it, grabbed it; used it.
“Quick confession… I was never in the Marines, but I did take off not long after graduation, I mean, I had to do something, right? You all had shit going on and I had nothing—no life, no plans, no girlfriend-soon-to-be-wife, not even a jail cell to sit in and pass the time.”
“Sonofabitch,” Rick muttered.
“My mother’s lifestyle had started to catch up to her and her health wasn’t the best. All that booze was starting to rot through her system, but she was still relatively young and I knew that I’d probably spend years caring for her, so I started to set things up a few months before graduation. I decided on the Marines because I knew it would blow everybody’s mind. Who’d ever think scrawny little Bernard with the coke-bottle glasses could be a Marine? I told everyone that’s where I was headed, but what I really did was save almost every dime I earned at work after school. I remember the last night I spent in Potter’s Cove. It was a while after graduation, and Rick, you were already serving your sentence, had been for a few months, but Donny and Alan, you guys took me out to dinner at Brannigan’s, remember? We had steaks and potatoes and beer and… Christ, we laughed our asses off that night. For a couple hours life was almost fucking bearable. It was quite a sendoff, only the next morning when you guys drove me to the bus station, I wasn’t headed for boot camp.”
I saw Donald shake his head, draw on the still unlit cigarette and run his hands through his hair. “This is madness.”
“It was a new beginning, though. I went away to begin what I was finally able to admit was my destiny.” Bernard was quiet for a time, but the tape kept rolling. “See, we all have the rage, fellas, but so few of us ever figure out what to do with it, how to love it and nurture it—like a loyal pet. I went to New York City, got a room and lived there until my money ran out. Less than a year later I was back in Potter’s Cove telling you how I’d fallen off a training platform and wrecked my knee. Well I did hurt my knee but it wasn’t from any training platform. I fell chasing somebody, if you want the truth. People run really fast when they’re afraid. When they’re terrified.
“New York was incredible. I had no idea how perfect a setting it was for me to begin my journey, but within a few days it was so obvious. A human zoo, that’s how I saw it, with me as the warden. See, here’s what I figured out down in the dark, fellas… the power I’d lacked my whole life was right there in front of me all along. When you step back and separate yourself from the herd it changes everything. That’s when I figured out I could do whatever I wanted. And that’s when I changed the world around me from a zoo to a slaughterhouse.”
I felt my heart sink and I looked quickly to Rick, who was staring back at me with an I-told-you-so scowl.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” I asked.
“Think back through the years, fellas,” Bernard continued. “Think about the things deep inside you can’t remember, don’t want to remember. Think about all the times things with me just didn’t add up, how things seemed just a bit off, just a little strange. Then think about how you reacted, how you dismissed it the same way you choose to ignore an unusual sound in the middle of the night. Ever do that? Have you ever been lying in bed, darkness all around, when suddenly there’s an odd sound? You know you weren’t dreaming; you know you heard it for sure and you know it’s not commonplace. You know it’s an intrusive sound, a sound that doesn’t belong there, and even though it makes no sense, even though it might be an intruder or God knows what, you roll over and forget it… but have you ever wondered what you’d find if you didn’t?
“I’m so tired,” he said through a heavy sigh. “I’m so tired, fellas. I had it under control for a long time—or I thought I did—but it got away from me. I couldn’t concentrate on my job, I knew my mother was dying, I… I knew without her my life would spiral down into nothingness. The only way the mortgage could be paid was through her savings and the disability checks she got every month. Without that income, even when I was working, I couldn’t maintain the house and I knew I’d lose it. I couldn’t hang on anymore, I… things were all confused. I couldn’t think anymore, I… I just couldn’t think clearly, you know? Too many goddamn voices at once, and…
“I couldn’t do my job, lost that, then when Mom died and they took the house, I… Christ, how that woman suffered. For what? For what!”
He screamed the same phrase three times more, the volume and savagery of his voice such that it distorted through the large speakers and became indecipherable. I felt a chill burst through me. Bernard sounded completely, hopelessly insane.
“God abandoned me.” The tremor in his voice indicated he was struggling to hold back tears. “I knew when I moved in here with Sammy my time was over. I did my thing, I made my mark… and I’m not afraid, not anymore. Face your fear, that’s what people always say, and you’ll conquer it. It’s true. It’s true. I faced my fear… then I became it. The things you see are beyond belief, but they’re real.
“I’ll miss you guys,” he said a moment later. “I’m not who you thought I was—what you thought I was—but I’m still Bernard, man, still a loyal Sultan, still one of you, and I always will be. We’ll always be together no matter what. I just wish that could’ve been enough, but ask yourself this—was it enough for you? I wish I could’ve told you the truth about me, about the things I’ve done, but if you’re honest with yourselves and you stop and think long and hard, you’ll realize the answers are right there and have been all along.”
Donald struggled to his feet. “He’s insane.”
“I like the idea of dying in winter,” Bernard’s voice interrupted. “It’s barren and cold and still and it’s the perfect time for me to step away, now that my destiny has been fulfilled and I’ve done all I can to assure my place in the afterlife, in the realm of darkness where I belong, where I was born to be.
“When the seasons change and the world begins to warm and thaw out from the chill of winter, you’ll better understand what I’m talking about. You’ll see firsthand the fruit of my labor. Rancid fruit to be sure but fruit just the same, fellas. Like in the days of old when they’d bleed the illness, the darkness, the wickedness from a person, I’ve shown you the way by bleeding the world, man, by letting it flow in the fucking streets. It’s why as much as I’d like to I can’t slit my wrists. Yeah,” he said in a quietly gleeful tone, “I need it where I’m going… down beyond the dirt… beyond the Earth. And just like here, where I’m going, you might just have to follow. But I have to go now. It’s time.”