“Son of a—” I exclaimed as I stepped around the perturbed man frowning awkwardly at me. “I mean, sorry about that,” I said.
Brushing the liquid from my shirt, I walked over to Penny’s chair. “Hi. Is anybody sitting here?” I asked.
Penny barely acknowledged me and shook her head.
I lowered myself into the chair next to her and continued to dab awkwardly at the fruit punch soaking through my shirt. “I don’t suppose you have an extra napkin on you?” I said.
“No, sorry,” she said, standing up to leave.
“I’m sorry, miss. I didn’t mean to intrude. It’s just that… I’m new here and I’m a little nervous.”
She looked at me and tilted her head slightly. “You’re new?” she asked. “I think I’ve seen you in here before.”
Oh crap. She does remember me, I thought to Hauser.
“Keep going, buddy,” Hauser said from behind me. “If she’d remembered you from the hospital, do you think she’d still be standing here, waiting for your response?”
“Yeah, I suppose you’re right,” I said aloud.
“So you’re not new?” Penny asked.
“Um, what I meant to say… was that you’re right. I have been in here before, but I haven’t participated in any of the sessions. I’ve been sort of a shadow really, just staying on the fringes of the room.”
“Nice recovery, ace,” Hauser said.
“If I make you uncomfortable, I can leave,” I said.
“No, it’s all right,” Penny said as she retook her seat. “We’re supposed to talk about our feelings anyway. Isn’t that why we’re all here?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I suppose so. I’ve just never been that big of a sharer, if you know what I mean.”
“Totally,” Penny said as she continued to stare at me awkwardly.
“So have you been coming here long?” I asked, fidgeting with my sleeve again.
“Seriously, Jack. You’re not trying to pick her up. You’re acting as nervous and awkward as a high school boy at cheerleader tryouts.”
“I mean, have you been attending these sessions long? Have they helped you at all?” I said, wondering why this was so difficult.
Penny shrugged and rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I guess.”
“Have any pointers for a newbie?”
“I don’t know. I guess just try not to dwell on the past. At least that’s what the counselors keeps telling me.”
“You don’t sound too convinced,” I said.
Penny stared straight ahead. “I don’t know. It just seems that all of this is bullshit anyway. First they tell you to forget about the past, then in the next breath they tell you to look deeper at what’s causing the depression. Most of the time that is the past. So I guess I don’t have anything worth saying,” Penny said.
“Careful, Jack. Penny’s soul is beginning to flash faster. Try to calm her down,” Hauser said.
“I feel the same way. I’m Jack, by the way.”
“Penny.”
“A friend of mine has told me to let bygones be bygones and all that, but, I don’t know, I do sometimes feel better when I talk about what happened.”
Penny tilted her head in my direction. “And what’s that?”
“It’s still a little difficult to talk about, but… my wife committed suicide about six months ago,” I said, the words out of my mouth before I could take them back.
“Jesus, Jack. Are you trying to convince her to kill herself?” Hauser asked.
Penny’s eyes widened and she turned her body toward me, her interest piqued. “How did she… I mean I’m sorry for your loss. How did she do it?”
“Whatever you do, Jack, do not tell her how to kill herself,” Hauser snapped.
“I’d rather not talk about the details if that’s all right,” I said. “It’s still pretty painful.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Penny said, her voice cracking slightly.
“It’s okay, you didn’t know. Maybe in time it’ll be easier to talk about,” I said, hanging my head low, enjoying the false sympathy. “What about you? What’s your story?”
“I’m lonely, I guess. I don’t have any family, and I had a pretty traumatic event a few months ago.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked, pivoting toward her.
Penny breathed in deeply and exhaled slowly. “I lost a child at birth,” she said, tears welling up in her eyes.
“Oh, how tragic,” I said, placing my hand on her shoulder.
Back off, you creep, Penny thought. I’m not a piece of meat, old man.
Old man? I thought.
“Jack, she does have a point. You are coming off a little desperate. Now would be a good time to extricate your hand from her shoulder,” Hauser said.
I casually dropped my hand to the side. “I… know what you’re feeling.”
“How could you? Have you recently popped a child out of your vagina?” she asked angrily.
I turned away quickly, hoping to come across less threatening. “No, that’s not what I meant. I mean, I understand what it’s like losing something or someone. After my wife died, I constantly asked myself, why me. She left me on this earth alone, and all I can think about is why me.” I lowered my eyes and hoped that I didn’t look too pathetic.
Penny sighed heavily. “Exactly. I’ve lost the only thing important to me, and I don’t know why I feel so… abandoned. Sometimes I just don’t want to continue,” she said as tears streaked down her face.
“Hey, hey. Don’t think like that. Your life means so much more than you could ever imagine. Life has two rules: One, never quit. And two, always remember rule number one. You’ll get through this, I promise.”
How the hell can you promise something like that, Penny thought. I just met you, and…
“I can because I’m living proof,” I said.
“Watch it, Jack. You’re answering her thoughts with your own words,” Hauser said.
“How did you—” Penny began.
“I guess I just knew what you were thinking because I’ve been there. Granted, it’s taken me six months to get past everything, and I’m now starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that’s so cliché, but suicide is not your answer.”
“To hell with you, buddy. You just met me and you’re telling me what’s right for me?” Penny yelled and stood up so fast her chair slid halfway across the room.
“Penelope, please,” I begged. “I didn’t mean to—”
“I never told you my full name. Who are you? Wait a minute, never mind. Fuck you,” Penny said as she stormed out.
Shit, I thought.
“That’s an understatement, buddy. I’d point out just how horrible that went, but I assume you realize that all on your own,” Hauser said.
“Well, now what? Did I completely screw the pooch on this one?”
“I don’t know, Jack. Time will tell. I suggest you make a discreet exit and then we can regroup back at your place.”
I nodded and made for the exit, avoiding eye contact with anyone in the room. As soon as I was out of sight, I vanished.
Chapter 9.5
As I stood on the rooftop of Cornwell Tower on Forty-Eighth Street, I hoped I was in the right place. Having just walked through Penny’s future using the rosary, I could only recognize certain aspects of the environment before coming here in person. I was nearly certain that this was the very rooftop from which she would take her life.