“Okay. What do I do?” Penny asked, her eyes bright and eager.
“Are you sure?” I asked. “Once you take this on, Hauser and the Sentinel will expect a lot from you.”
“Like you said, I’ve already died, right? What’s my other choice? You take my soul and be rushed off to the great unknown? I think I’d like to give this a try at least,” Penny said. “Besides, if I end up not liking it, I’ll just follow in your footsteps. Who knows. Maybe we’ll see each other again sooner than you think. Yeah, I’m ready.”
“All right. I’m not exactly sure how this works on my end, but once you open a box, if there is a soul present, it will find its way in.”
“And you’re sure?” she asked. “You’re ready to end it all? No going back, right?”
I nodded and took a deep breath. I was more certain about this than I’d been about anything else since I died on that New York bus. Now as I sat next to Penny, my entire fate resting in the palms of her hands, I could only think about Cyndi. Would I see her again? Lord, I certainly hoped so.
“Well, Jack it was nice knowing you, as brief as it was,” she said and opened my soul box. When she turned it toward me, I exhaled uncontrollably. I felt as if I were in the vacuum of space as my last, dying breath was extricated from my body.
As the wisp of smoke exited my mouth, I began to re-experience my entire life in reverse. Images of every person I’d ever met flashed through my mind. No matter their impact on my soul, I recognized each and every one. As the years slipped by, the memories began to move increasingly faster. I re-experienced my parents’ funeral, but before any emotions could come, I witnessed them alive and full of vigor.
Then Cyndi came. I saw her images the most, and it pained me to see those memories fly by so quickly. I was able to see how happy we were together early on. Then our wedding. She was such a beautiful bride. Our courtship lasted mere seconds, while in life we’d dated for several years before even getting engaged. Finally, the day we met. That magical moment where she won my heart thankfully slowed down, even if minutely.
I relived my entire college days in a matter of moments. The late night study sessions, the frat parties, the binge drinking—all without any fanfare.
Then I was back in high school, middle school, elementary, and then preschool. All passing by in the blink of an eye. I watched myself take my first steps as a child, a smile as wide as the world is large.
At the end of my thirty-five yearlong replay, I looked at Penny one last time. Then the lights dimmed, fading out like the flame of a candle.
Epilogue
No sight—no sound—no smell. The darkness that enveloped me was total. I was weightless and free. Then, I noticed something in the distance… glowing faintly. The glimmer was small, but it began to build in size, practically imperceptible to the naked eye. Moment by moment, the light intensified and became more pronounced. If it hadn’t been for that strange brilliance, I would have been sure that I no longer existed.
The silence became overpowering when I realized that I could no longer hear my own heartbeat. The pulsing whump-whump in my inner ear was alarmingly silent. The unexpected tranquility was surprisingly disturbing.
This is what it’s like to be dead? I wondered. My mind was still present, but nearly every other one of my senses appeared to be absent. I’d try to reach out and feel something, but there was nothing near me to touch. Then again, if I could pick something up, how could I bring it to my mouth to taste? To my nose to smell? I couldn’t feel my hands.
As I continued to focus on the growing light, I waited. I waited for what I’d hoped was some kind of resolution to my life. I’d existed for thirty-five years among the living, and even more time in the afterlife. Now, here I was, at the precipice of something… I don’t know, something completely unknown, but entirely anticipated nonetheless. I had hope for only one thing—one particular soul to meet me in the end, and I feared that it would not come. I feared a tremendous disappointment in my uncharted future.
With the radiance ever expanding, I tried to look away. I tried to look down or around, but my vision was fixed. I could only focus on the growing light before me. I had no idea of the completeness of my existence. Did I have a body? Arms, legs? Anything? All I could do was stare forward, unaware of anything else.
Then, finally with the light source large enough to cast shadows, I saw a shape at the center of the expanding intensity. It began as a vertical line emanating from the bottom of the bloom. Slowly, it began to grow as the light itself did. Within moments, the sliver of darkness developed into a somewhat more pronounced shape.
The line began to spread at the base, and thicken as it rose up from the bottom edge. Near the top of its existence, it narrowed again, sharply. The outside edge became more apparent and I could begin to make out the hazy outline of what I’d guess was a person. Still, whatever was causing the shadow was a great deal away.
I tried to move again, but no matter my will of efforts, I remained fixed in my position. I couldn’t maneuver an inch. All I could do was wait… for what I’d hoped was worth surrendering everything.
A sudden realization hit me—a new sense. I had the sense of regret. Was that an actual sense? Maybe it was an extended form of feeling, but just not in the sense of touch. I could feel the wants and desires of life, but in a completely different aspect. Here I was—not alive in the aspect that I’d experienced for my entire existence in the world, but I still felt emotion. I wanted to… no, needed to see who was approaching slowly, coming in from the light.
Then, for the first time since entering the darkness, I felt movement. I wasn’t sure if it was my mind playing tricks on me, or if I was actually moving forward. I felt the undeniable momentum of advancement toward the light. Toward the entity ahead of me.
Was it God or was it something entirely different?
With my forward migration clearly advancing, coupled with the expanding light source, it didn’t take long to reach equilibrium. I was now surrounded equally by light and dark—though the darkness shrank more quickly by the moment.
Could a new sense be returning to me? The sense of time passing? I shrugged, or at least, I thought I did. In my mind, I visualized my shoulders rise marginally.
Was all this in my mind? I wondered. If I closed my eyes, would I still see the light continue to expand? Would the darkness continue to flee from existence? I tried to shut my eyes, but I was unable to. I had no control of my vision. I continued to stare straight ahead at the approaching shadow.
Was it male or female? Adult or child? I couldn’t tell yet.
“Hello?” I said. Or at least, I thought I did. I couldn’t feel my tongue or my mouth. I could only feel a ghost of my own existence. I was there, but I wasn’t. It was the strangest sensation.
Finally, with the surrounding darkness almost completely eliminated, the person that was approaching me become clearer. I could see movement in their body. I began to see arms and legs sway in motion as they moved ever closer to me. Whoever it was, they were close enough that I should have been able to make out some kind of recognizable detail about their being. But, all I could see was a hazy outline.
He or she was nearly upon me now, and I could barely control my anticipation. Would I recognize the person or would they be foreign to me? Not ever being a spiritual man, I wondered if God were to approach me like this, would I know who it was? I shrugged my nonexistent shoulders once again.