“I owe you an apology,” she said finally.
“Oh?”
“I should never have made that Xerox last year. You know, the one with your list of boys on it.”
“I know what Xerox you’re talking about,” I answered. “There was only one Xerox.”
“I knew it was private,” Kim went on. “And I knew it wasn’t what people thought it was. I can’t really say what got into me. I was so angry I couldn’t see, like everything had gone black.”
“Uh-huh.”
“And then I wrote stuff on the bathroom wall, and made Cricket and Nora take sides with me, and it was like a way of making the blackness disappear. I don’t know if you can understand that.”
“I don’t think I can,” I said. “You ruined my life.”
“I know.” Kim stopped looking at me and reached down for another handful of feed. “I spent a lot of time thinking about it over the summer, but it wasn’t until I was in Tokyo, with no one to talk to, that I really saw how far overboard I went. I should have just yelled at you or something. I mean, we used to be friends.”
“Yeah,” I said. “We used to.”
“Anyhow,” she said, looking at me again. “What I did was completely wrong. And I wish I hadn’t done it. I shouldn’t have put Nora and Cricket in the middle, either.”
“Cricket still isn’t speaking to me.”
“I know.” Kim twisted her hands around each other. “I’m really sorry.”
“All right,” I said. “That’s nice to hear, I guess.”
“Are you going to forgive me?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “I don’t know if I can forgive you. But I accept the apology. And—” I hesitated, because I didn’t really want to apologize for what happened at Spring Fling, when Jackson and I kissed, because Jackson was part of that too—a big part—and he’d been forgiven such a long time ago, as if it wasn’t even his fault. It didn’t seem fair for me to say I was sorry when he was off the hook, as if he’d had no real agency in the whole thing. “I’m sorry for flirting with Finn,” I said finally. “When you two were together. You were right about that.”
“Oh,” she said. “Thanks.”
I knew Kim wasn’t going to apologize for taking Jackson away. Because she felt like he was her true love, and to Kim’s mind, true love trumped everything.
“I need to tell you,” I blurted, not planning to. “I saw Jackson at the zoo with somebody else.”
Kim’s face fell. “What do you mean?”
“He was out with somebody else. I saw them. They had their arms around each other.”
“Why are you telling me?”
I hadn’t expected her to ask me that. “I thought you should know,” I said, after a second. “That he’s stepping out.”
Kim’s eyes narrowed. “You can’t stand it that we’re together, can you?”
“What?”
“You don’t want me and Jackson to be in love the way we are, do you? So you have to try and ruin everything.”
“That’s not it.”
“I thought we were putting it behind us.”
“We are,” I said. “That’s why I’m telling you.”
“I don’t know, Ruby. It sounds to me like you want to split us up.”
“I saw them together, Kim.”
“Look. That girl could have been anyone. You don’t know what you saw.”
“I’m pretty certain.”
“You are? Because you’re messing around where it isn’t your business, and actually, I don’t even believe what you’re saying.”
“No, I–”
“There are all kinds of reasons you’d make something like that up.”
“I’m not making it up.”
“I think you are. God, who knew you could be so spiteful after such a long time?”
“Kim, I–”
“Forget it,” she said. “Let’s just not speak anymore.”
“Fine,” I said.
“Go, then. Before I say something even worse.”
“I’m not going,” I found myself saying. “I was here first. You go.”
“All right, I will.” Kim turned her back on me and ran into the woods. As soon as she was out of sight, I could hear her burst into tears.
I stood there, looking at the llamas, and my heart started hammering and my neck felt sweaty and suddenly there wasn’t enough air in the entire universe to help me breathe. I gasped, and held on to the edge of the pen, and tried to take deep breaths like Doctor Z had taught me.
I told myself, You are not dying. You are just neurotic.
There is plenty of air.
Calm down. It was only an argument. The world isn’t coming to an end.
Calm down.
Calm down.
Breathe.
In the end, I made myself focus on the llamas. The way one of them was lying on the ground, with its legs tucked under itself. The way their legs were furry and fat-looking. The way they walked, slightly awkwardly. How their ears pricked up at any sound in the woods.
“Mr. Wallace, I need to use your cell phone.” I had found him in the kitchen, eating Oreos straight out of the bag with a guilty look on his face. He offered me one, and I took it.
“Is this an emergency?” he asked. “Because this is a retreat, you know, from the outside world.”
“I need to use it, and then I need to get a call back on it, later on,” I said. “Please.”
“How come?” He shoved a cookie in his mouth, whole.
“I just have someone I need to talk to.”
“Can’t it wait?” he asked. “We’re going home on Sunday morning.”
“No,” I answered. “It can’t wait.”
“Is there something I should know? I’m here to help.”
I took a deep breath. “I get panic attacks,” I said. “I haven’t had any in a while, but I just had one, a bad one, and I need to talk to my shrink.”
He took his cell out of his pocket and handed it over. “Give it back when you’re done,” he said. “I have unlimited minutes.”
“This is Doctor Lorraine Zaczkowski. You have reached my answering machine. At the tone, please leave a message with your name and telephone number. You have as long as you need. I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you.”
Beep.
“Doctor Z, this is Ruby Oliver. I just really, really need to talk to someone who knows what’s going on. I’m on a school retreat, but here’s the number.”
Then I took the phone and went down to the dock where the boats come in. I curled up in a ball under my jacket, waiting for her to ring.
She called back at seven o’clock. It was dinnertime, and I could see the lights glowing from the lodge a hundred yards away.
“Hello, is this Ruby?”
“Yes.”
“Doctor Zaczkowski.”
It was so good to hear her voice that I started to cry into the telephone. But as I calmed down and laid it all out—about Kim and the llamas and the apology and the argument—I could feel my body unwind. I uncurled from my ball and stretched out on the dock.
“Do you know why you told Kim about Jackson stepping out?” Doctor Z asked. “It sounds like you’re saying that was the moment that changed the course of your interaction.”
“Yeah. We were almost getting along before that.”
Doctor Z was silent. I could hear her flick a lighter open, then inhale.
“I didn’t think she’d get mad,” I said. “I thought she’d be grateful for the information.”
“You were doing something kind?”
“She didn’t see it that way, but yes. I think I was.”
“Oh?”
“She thought I was trying to sabotage her and Jackson. Which I can see, I guess. Since I’ve done it before.”
“Back in September you had some complicated feelings about telling Kim that Jackson wrote you notes. Am I right in remembering?”
I thought back. “I wanted to tell because I wanted her to think Jackson still liked me.”
“Yes.”
“So like it wasn’t out of goodness or kindness at all. It was sour and mean.”