‘Nothing.’
‘Then why is it you can’t open your mouth without upsetting someone?’
It was Kate who saw the pain in Ethie’s pale eyes, and she intervened before it turned to spite.
‘I’m not going to marry anyone yet,’ she said lightly. ‘I want to be a nurse, you know that. This job is only for a bit of money, and I’m enjoying it. I love Little Foxy, not Ian.’
Ethie tutted. ‘Horses!’
Kate grinned at her mischievously. ‘You’re just as bad, Ethie – only it’s fish. You’re always down at the river. You can’t marry a fish.’
‘And you can’t marry a horse.’
Kate giggled. ‘If I did, it wouldn’t be to one of Ian’s racehorses. It would be – Daisy.’ Her voice trembled, she met Sally’s eyes and then looked down at the table. The shoreline between coping with living at Asan Farm and homesickness for Hilbegut was fragile, always shifting like the estuary sand. ‘When are Polly and Daisy being sent up here?’ she asked. ‘They’d be useful here, wouldn’t they?’
Sally and Bertie looked at each other.
‘You should tell her, Bertie. Go on, just come out with it,’ said Sally rather fiercely.
Bertie shook his head. ‘I can’t.’
‘I can,’ said Ethie. ‘It’s time she knew.’
‘She doesn’t need to hear it from you, Ethie.’
Bewildered, Kate looked from one to the other, aware that some bitter truth was being withheld from her.
Ethie digested Sally’s sharp comment huffily. ‘Oh, so my words aren’t good enough for precious little sister. Why has she always got to be cosseted? It’s not fair.’
‘Kate doesn’t go around with a face as long as a yard of pump water,’ said Sally, and immediately regretted it when she saw the dreaded flush of anger on Ethie’s cheeks.
‘I can’t help my face,’ stormed Ethie. ‘We’re not all born flawless like little Miss Perfect here. I didn’t choose to look like I do. Do you think I like it? Do you think I enjoy having pimples?’
‘That’s not the point, Ethie. Stop taking it out on Kate. It’s nothing to do with what your face is like. A smiling face is a lovely face. If you smiled instead of going round scowling at everyone, you . . .’
‘DON’T keep telling me to smile,’ shouted Ethie. ‘That’s all you ever say to me, isn’t it? Do this, Ethie. Do that, Ethie. Do all the dirty work, Ethie. And smile. I don’t want to smile; I’m not going to smile. Why should I smile? I’ll smile if I want to, not when you tell me to.’
‘Pull yourself together, girl,’ said Sally desperately. ‘It’s hard enough for us here.’
‘None of you know what it’s like to be me,’ raged Ethie. She dragged a chair out and slumped down on it, put her hands over her burning face and drew a savage breath into her lungs.
‘Ethie, stop it,’ pleaded Kate, putting her arm round her sister and rubbing her back gently.
But the kindness seemed to trigger Ethie into a final explosion, like a boil bursting. She clenched her fists and pounded the table with them. ‘You don’t UNDERSTAND,’ she wailed, then jumped to her feet and slammed out of the room, returning seconds later with another slam. ‘I’m going to feed the chickens. At least the chickens don’t care whether I smile or not.’
Kate and her parents looked at each other.
‘She’s getting worse,’ said Sally.
‘No she isn’t, Mummy, she’s always been like it. We can’t make her any different,’ said Kate. ‘We just have to look on the bright side.’
‘What bright side? She hasn’t got one.’
‘She has,’ said Kate. ‘She works so hard. And she does laugh with me sometimes, when she hasn’t got her nose in a book.’
‘Some gloomy book, I don’t doubt. What do you think, Bertie?’ Sally looked at her husband who had sat looking uncomfortable.
‘I don’t get involved in women’s disputes,’ he said calmly.
‘So what was it you were going to tell me?’ asked Kate. ‘About Polly and Daisy. I’d rather know.’
Bertie nodded, his eyes sad. ‘We’re sorry, dear, but Polly and Daisy had to be sold. We couldn’t afford to bring them up here.’
Kate stared at him wordlessly. She thought about the gentle Shire horse she’d loved. She and Daisy had a special bond. The big horse had always been so careful and kind around Kate when she was little, standing like a statue, afraid to move her huge feet in case she trod on the little girl who loved her.
Kate noticed her parents’ doleful expressions.
‘Oh, I expect it’s for the best,’ she said, ‘don’t worry about me. I’ve got plenty to be happy about. Now I must be off to work or I’ll be late. I’ll take the toast with me.’
Bertie was looking at her with a perplexed expression in his eyes. He got up and followed his daughter’s straight back out into the morning light. ‘Wait a minute, Kate. I’ll walk to the gate with you.’
She turned and gave him a smile that turned his heart over. ‘Come on then, Daddy.’ She linked her arm into his and they set off on the half-mile walk to the racing stables, Kate carrying Little Foxy’s bridle which she’d been cleaning.
‘I want to give you some advice, Kate,’ said Bertie. ‘If I can get a word in edgeways.’
‘Of course,’ she laughed.
‘This is serious, Kate. I love you dearly, and you don’t fool me. I know how upset you must be over those two horses. I admire the way you keep so cheerful, it’s a wonderful gift you have, Kate – and – and don’t waste it.’
‘How could I waste it?’ she asked, surprised.
‘Don’t waste it on someone you don’t love. It’s your life, Kate. I don’t want you to suffer because you want to please us. You be true to yourself. Do you understand me?’
They stopped in a gateway, and Kate looked thoughtfully at her father. He always knew exactly what was in her heart.
‘I never want to leave you, Daddy. You’ve been like a guardian angel,’ she said. ‘But yes, you’re right, I’ve got some thinking to do.’
‘You may have to leave me one day. But we’ll always be close, Kate – even when I’m gone. I want to see you happy – truly deeply happy, dear, not just putting a pretty face on it. I’ve watched you, Kate, and I know – I know there’s some deep-down thing bothering you. You’ve lost your sparkle.’
‘Have I?’
‘You don’t have to tell me, Kate. But please – think about your life and your future. Don’t let me, or anyone, hold you back, girl. You do what you’ve got to do.’ Bertie was looking at her intensely and his words were full of passion as they stood in the gateway overlooking the estuary. ‘If you love someone, you let them go, let them be free. You are a blessed gift to this world, Kate, you spread your wings and fly free.’
Kate’s eyes stared past him, across the shining water to the distant hills, then back to the brimming flood of love and caring in her father’s gaze.
‘You’re not responsible for Ethie, or me, or your mother.’ Bertie gave her a little pat. ‘You spread your wings and fly free.’
He wagged a finger and looked at her under his brows, a fixed stare that put a seal on his words.
‘Thank you, Daddy. I’m glad you care so much.’ Kate kissed him on his pale cheek and walked on by herself, swinging the bridle. She looked down at her legs in the long boots and riding breeches, and thought how lovely it would be to wear a swishy red skirt again and feel like a woman. She found herself slowing down, dawdling a little, listening to the hum of bees in the blackthorn blossom, and suddenly she remembered Freddie telling her the Innisfree poem, explaining to her about the ‘bee-loud glade’. It had been a magic time.
‘That’s what I’m missing from my life,’ Kate thought suddenly. ‘The magic. The magic is missing.’
She remembered Freddie’s story of how he had saved up and bought the lorry at sixteen. It inspired her. Surely if Freddie could do that, then she could ‘spread her wings’ and take charge of her own life, couldn’t she?