She jerked away, then softened. ‘I’m fine. Really I am.’ She squeezed out a pained little smile.
I didn’t want her thinking I was coming on to her. We stood uncomfortably in the doorway, each waiting for the other to move. I could feel her impatience growing. ‘Here to collect some personal things, are you?’ I asked.
She nodded, relieved at the explanation. At the same time, she shrugged the fact into wounded insignificance, as though I was trampling on a small private grief.
It was 10.30. That gave me just enough time to get to Parliament House to meet Agnelli. But not with a bloodied rag gripped to my auditory apparatus. I needed water and a mirror and the only place I knew for sure I’d find them was Marcus Taylor’s room. ‘I’ll give you a hand,’ I said. ‘The artists’ studios are on the third floor, aren’t they?’ I started up the stairs. ‘According to the board at the front door.’
Helping myself to the dead boyfriend’s personal facilities was not, I knew, the most sensitive move possible. On the other hand, all this holier-than-thou stuff was beginning to rankle. I’d be buggered if I was going to be made to feel like the guilty party here.
‘No. Don’t.’ Salina dashed after me. ‘I’ll be okay, really,’ she protested.
The door of Marcus Taylor’s bedroom sat open to the corridor. ‘This it?’ I said. I headed directly for the small enamel basin. Drying blood caked my ear but a little water confirmed that the damage was only skin deep. My eyes were sinkholes and I had the complexion of a piece of candied pineapple.
Over my shoulder in the mirror, I saw Salina come in and glance around anxiously. As far as I could see, there was no evidence of feminine habitation in the place. For rough-and-ready accommodation, the joint had a certain masculine sufficiency. But I couldn’t imagine a woman here. A forest floor was one thing, but this was the pits.
‘Don’t mind me,’ I said. The tin cabinet behind the mirror held shaving gear, out-of-date antibiotics, Dettol, cotton-wool, a roll of adhesive bandage. Salina laid the folio case flat on the futon bed. ‘Just a few private effects, is it?’
For some reason, she resented this remark. ‘Now that Marcus is dead,’ she said, defensively, ‘people will be curious about his work. The least I can do is see that it is presented to the world in a favourable light.’
Without turning, I held my hands up in a placatory gesture. ‘Hey,’ I agreed. ‘You don’t have to explain yourself to me.’ The sharp bite of antiseptic brought tears to my eyes.
Suddenly, all of Salina’s freshly cultivated reserve was gone. She slumped down on the edge of the bed and began tearing the wrapper off a pack of cigarettes. ‘I should have seen it coming,’ she said, her voice thick with self-recrimination. ‘Marcus was so depressed and moody lately, drinking a lot, complaining that everyone was against him. I did what I could, even used my influence to get him a grant, but it didn’t make any difference. You saw what he was like last night. I told him I was sick of his self-indulgence. Now I keep thinking that’s what pushed him over the edge. It’s all my fault.’
Black smudges ringed her eyes. Exhaustion and rattiness engulfed both of us. She lit a cigarette, sucked at it hungrily, openly trawling for sympathy. Considering what had almost happened between us, I owed her that much.
Tearing the adhesive tape with my teeth, I patched my ear as best I could. Then, compelled by a weariness as irresistible as gravity, I sank down on the other side of the bed. ‘Don’t blame yourself,’ I said. ‘Perhaps it was an accident. He was pretty drunk. He could have fallen in. Perhaps he didn’t mean to kill himself.’
She tried without success to make her bottom lip quiver. ‘Oh, no,’ she said firmly. ‘It was definitely suicide. The police showed me a note he left, asked me to identify the handwriting. It was definitely his. His style, too. That litany of complaints. I told them I thought he was probably a manic depressive. He certainly had a tendency to self-dramatisation. That’s why I didn’t take any particular notice last night. More of the usual crap, I thought. Told him I’d had enough, it was over between us.’
I helped myself to one of her cigarettes, drawing sustenance from it, oblivious to the vile taste. A scarifying sunlight poured in the window, the window at which Taylor must have conceived his own death, his artistic auto-da-fe. It was a strange feeling, sitting there amid the scant domesticity of a dead man I had never really met.
‘He was illegitimate, you know,’ Salina blurted, offering the fact as if in mitigation. ‘A lot of unresolved emotional trauma bubbling away. And his work. He felt the rejection of his work deeply.’
She was veering dangerously close to the maudlin. I sensed that, now the facade was down, she’d keep talking until she got it all out. Not that I was insensitive or anything, but my time was not entirely my own. If I didn’t start disengaging, I’d be there all day.
‘Forget the souvenirs.’ A few scraps of paper weren’t worth the aggravation. What she needed was to go home and sleep. ‘Come back another time.’ Grinding my fag underfoot, I hauled myself into the vertical and held out my hand.
Salina remained where she was. She shook her head. ‘You’ve been sweet,’ she said. ‘But if you don’t mind, I’d like to be left alone.’
I’m not an entirely insensitive person. I nodded and turned to leave, stepping towards the curtain covering the hole into the studio. ‘I’ll go this way.’
Sal was on her feet in a flash, interposing herself between me and the curtain. ‘I feel so bad,’ she said. ‘About last night.’
She stood very close and put her hand on my arm. Sliding it downwards, she found my hand and squeezed it. Then her head was against my chest, looking upwards into my eyes. Her body moulded itself to mine. She sighed deeply.
Her change of mood was abrupt and disconcerting. But, like I said, I’m not an entirely insensitive guy. I put my arms around her.
Her hand snaked up my back. She stood on tiptoes and pressed the back of my head down towards her closing eyes and opening lips. I kissed her. Compassionately at first. Then, at her insistence, the other way.
Then she peeped and I could see it in her eyes. It wasn’t me that Salina desired. Nor was it my pity. She wanted my complicity. Complicity in what, I couldn’t tell. But whatever it was, I didn’t want any part of it. I prefer to save my cynicism for politics.
Putting my hands gently on her shoulders, I prised my face free. Salina stared up, not comprehending. ‘It’s okay,’ she reassured me. ‘My relationship with Marcus was all but over anyway. We weren’t even sleeping together. Hadn’t been for months.’
The last thing I wanted was the sordid details. I took a step backwards. ‘I’ll leave you to it,’ I said, sweeping the curtain aside. ‘Make sure you get everything before you go.’
I don’t know why I said it. Taylor’s lonely death, his relationship with Salina, had nothing to do with me. But my remark wasn’t just sanctimonious. It was superfluous. There was nothing for her to get. The paintings that were strewn about Taylor’s studio in such ill-ordered profusion just an hour before were gone, stripped off their stretchers or roughly cut from their frames. The easel in the middle of the room was empty, the suburban dream house vanished. While I’d been downstairs impersonating a seafood dinner, someone had cleaned the place out.
Salina stared at the looted room. On her face was the same appalled expression with which she had responded to Taylor’s drunken speech at the Centre for Modern Art.
I didn’t have the time, the energy or the inclination to keep up with Salina Fleet’s emotional gymnastics. Stepping around the discarded struts of timber and upended jars of brushes, I continued into the hallway and down the stairs.
Marcus Taylor’s work, it seemed, was finally in demand. Suicide was beginning to look like the smartest career move he ever made.
‘It’s about time!’
Agnelli cleared a pile of briefing papers off the back seat of the Fairlane and made room for me. We were due to meet at eleven. It was 11.09. Under the circumstances, I thought I’d done well.