Derek shrugged.
We were playing games. We were. Fucking pathetic. My maw and da are still like that ye know, they’re still expecting great things. Me on the broo; that job in the Parks Department, they think it’s all a phase; they’re still walking about on a wee cloud of gold, cotton wool or something, candy-floss. They’re expecting me to get the call any minute. Our specialness, that’s what we had to contend with — we were brought up with it. It drove us apart. Fucking isolated us man, the tip for the top. You’re talking about primary schooclass="underline" see in mine, one of the fucking teachers there told my maw I might be up to university standard. Can ye believe it? Fuck sake! Eleven years of age I was. And it fucked me. It fucked me everywhere. Especially with my pals, the wee boys I went about with: word got round. And the gulf started opening then, that was when it fucking happened, the great divide. Conversations used to stop when I entered the company.
Uch away.
I’m fucking serious. There was this wee halo over my head, a golden glow. Plus they thought I was maybe a spy, the other weans, they thought I had to be carrying notes to the teacher — quite right they thought that, quite fucking right. I mean see my maw and da now, see at this very minute, cause I’ve married a lassie that works in a bank; they’re expecting their grandson to wind up fuck knows what, a doctor or something. No kidding ye man it’s like they’ve sired a thoroughbred stallion.
Derek smiled.
Honest. Listen to this too: fucking mate of mine, right, a guy I go climbing with, he went to Uni; know what they told him the very first day he arrived? I’m talking about a first-year student, seventeen poxy fucking years of age: know what they told him?
What?
You’re the cream. You’re the cream son, that’s what they told him; you’re the top eight percent in this country. The other fucking ninety two’s a bunch of fucking headbangers, that’s what they told him; some fucking lecturer, so-called Marxist — specialist in the lumpen proletariat — that’s what he fucking telt them! Well I’ll tell you something man, I want to fucking go up fucking University Avenue and fucking strangle the bastard, that’s what I fucking want to do.
Mm.
No fucking kidding ye; it’s pathetic, just pathetic. And then they all go about gawking at each other; they do! Fucking gawking at each other! Total wonder and amazement at their own fucking uniqueness. Whatever crap the lecturers dish them out too ye know they all listen to it, they all fucking listen to it. We were the same man. We all went about with this wee smile on our fucking faces. Predestination. The chosen few. Bound for Glory.
Woody Guthrie.
Woody Guthrie.
No everybody falls for it.
No everybody falls for it, okay. Okay; no everybody falls for it. Fin had lifted his pint tumbler, he paused before drinking from it: But see cunts like McAllister Derek they’re the worst. The so-called radicals. They’re just Sammys dressed up.
Derek laughed.
They are but. See if Sammy ever became a lecturer up there that’s what he’d be, another Joe McAllister, getting all the students following him about like wee puppy dogs, screwing all the first-year lassies, getting all the boys thinking he was the greatest rebel in the world — genuine revolutionary and all that, Che Guevara on twenty grand a year plus perks for a twenty six hour week. Ah for christ sake. Fin snorted, then began chuckling. Fucking crazy. They’re the worst but, it’s them keeps the system going; straight dialectics; they inject the new energy, they give it the power, the fucking life, the weltenschang whatever ye call it. In fact they dont, they dont, they actually stop it; they stop it; they fucking crush it at birth. You’re just lucky ye missed it. I had it for four years.
After a moment Derek said, So what’s my part?
Fin nodded.
Ye started off gonni tell me something, I wasni to take it the wrong way ye said.
Aye. . Fin sighed, smiling: You went too soon man that’s your trouble.
I had nay choice.
Och I know, I know. .
So what is it?
Uch nothing. I mean I’ve more or less said it. It’s no a big thing — although it is, in a way, it is; ye see ye left a lasting impression.
Yeh well.
Ye did. Ye fucking spurred me anyway. No at first but gradually, ye know, I’m dead serious, it’s a good kick up the arse I was needing. I mean. . that’s what I was needing, a good kick up the arse. Fin chuckled. They fucking hated what you did. Oh they did man dont fucking kid yerself. The unnameable. Whenever some cunt like McAllister started on with all that crap about how any real artist will aye beat the system, there you were, with the swag bag, getting the boot, artist or no it doesni fucking matter. First it’s the economics, then after that it’s the economics again.
Derek shrugged.
Dont underestimate it.
I dont.
It got in the way of the propaganda.
That means my life hasni been in vain.
Dont underestimate it.
I dont.
Fin nodded.
Ye just have a habit of sounding as if ye dont think I know fuck all.
Rubbish.
Is it?
Fuck sake Derek.
Ye’ve been patronising me all night.
I’ve no.
Ye fucking have.
It was a lesson ye see. For all the would-be revolutionaries; artist as rebel and all that, as long as ye dont interfere with the property.
Yeh.
I’m no patronising ye at all.
That’s good.
Christ that’s the last thing I’d do.
Anyway, let’s change the subject.
Ye keep saying I’m patronising ye man, and I’m no.
Just let’s change the subject.
Fuck sake. Fin shook his head.
Just the now, ye know, cause of my mother and that.
I’m sorry.
Derek nodded. Want a whisky or something?
No really, naw.
I feel like one. . Look Fin it was a fucking brainstorm what I did. Just fucking stupidity, right. That’s all it was. The stuff was lying there and it was an empty room. I’m no even sure now if it wasni a prank. A prank, know what I mean. Maybe it was. I canni even remember. Total stupidity.
But what are mothers for eh! I left it for her to sort out. Derek smiled. When I didni know what to do next, I left it for her; the stuff Fin, I left it on the bed. I got off my mark. I couldni handle it. But it didni break her heart. In fact she was quite a wise auld dame. Quite shrewd. Quite shrewd. . Derek stopped to breathe in. He smiled again, took off the hat and footered with the brim. After she returned them the stuff Peterson went up to see her.
I heard that.
He told her I was a silly boy but they wereni gonni press charges.
Cheeky bastard.
Wish to fuck I’d just dumped the stuff.
That woulda really done it, they only had it on loan.
Yeh! I woulda taken that into consideration! Derek shook his head: Fucking indignity but eh fucking indignity — the whole thing.
Fin was silent for a moment, then he said: Some of them probably still hate ye for it ye know, stealing their thunder as potential rebels.
A legend in my own lifetime eh, Sydney Devine.
Fin chuckled.
Imagine influencing a generation but, think I’ll go and impress that lassie in the black tights. Derek put the hat back on his head: Sure ye dont want a short?