For some time, there with myself alone, that was as far as I took it, or could take it. The effect it would have on the future, on Tad’s future, on my future, on my future relations with Earl, I didn’t get to at all- I was too shocked, too numb, even to try. When at last my head began to clear I began wondering what had caused it, this reaction of Tad’s — what I had done, what Earl had done, what Ethel might have done to account for something that seemed to be automatic, completely instinctive. And for a time I blamed myself, for rushing things, introducing a new father and promising a new home all in one breath, as part of a wonderful surprise. If I’d just taken one thing at a time and let that soak in before going on to the next, things might have gone differently. Indeed, for some little time it seemed that I could start over, perhaps put Tad in the car, bring him over here, and then see the surprise Earl had bought him-a new tricycle perhaps, or a little car, or something. But then suddenly I sat up in bed and began staring out the window, as the truth dawned on me, why the child had been terrified of Earl.
If I was, why wouldn’t he be?
I knew then, at last, that the thing that had happened was final, that nothing could be done. There popped into my mind the things I’d felt when he’d held me in the car before our wedding, and when we’d kissed, and the way I felt about him when he barged into my room, claiming the right to watch me undress. And my belly began to tell me how deep my fear was. And then at last I began to realize how terrible a thing it was, the dream that you make come true.
26
It was dark when a tap came on the door, and when I called, he came in. I turned on the light and he sat down in the chair beside me, where I still lay on the bed. “Feel better?” he whispered.
“I suppose so, a little,” I told him. “At least I’m getting readjusted. Earl, I’ve lost my child.”
“Perhaps not-all sorts of things can happen. But I’d like to say one thing. Joan, I’m as baffled as you are. I swear I did nothing to make him act that way-”
“Earl, I know you did nothing, know it without your telling me.”
He was doing nothing now, and yet as I lay on the bed, I felt the same clutch of fear as Tad had betrayed with that scream. His eye moved to my legs, which were crossed in my pantyhose. I took no notice, but switched the talk to Ethel, saying: “It’s what she’s been hoping for-she lives for the day when she can claim Tad as her own.”
He nodded. “I’ve detected something,” he said, “whenever you speak of her. It’s clear enough now-I mean, the reason for it is. The silver lining is, at least, if she’s fond of the child, you know he’ll be well taken care of.”
At this, well-meant though it no doubt was, my heart stopped. It froze utterly and for good. For I thought I heard in his voice a thread of relief-as though he’d been prepared to take on the duty of raising my child but was happier still not to have to.
Briskly, he said: “Joan, are you ready to go down?”
“… Down?”
“To dinner?”
“Oh. I hadn’t thought.”
“Or would you rather go out?”
I had my duties as well, I realized. And I at least wouldn’t leap at any chance to escape them. “… I imagine the servants would be hurt, after outdoing themselves to please the bride on her first night home, if she decided to eat dinner out. No, let’s have dinner in. May I ask what their names are?”
He told me: “The maids are Myra and Leora-Myra is the shorter. The cook is Araminta, goes by Minnie. Jasper is her husband. The men you’ll meet tomorrow-they won’t be at dinner. Incidentally, when you pay them all the first of the month, they rate a small gift from you, in appreciation of-”
“Services well rendered-or in other words, a tip. I’d have given it anyway-I’ve worked for tips myself, as you well know. I’ve taken them from you.”
“… They were the least that I could do.”
“Yes, well-they lightened dark days for me,” I said, leaving off the word that threatened to spring to my lips at the sentence’s end: temporarily.
I got up, went in the bath and freshened my face, came out, combed while he watched, and then led the way downstairs. The maids were at the dining-room door, making me little bows, which I acknowledged by calling their names and shaking hands. Then I went out in the kitchen to greet the cook, whom I called by her full name, Araminta, pleasing her, as I thought it might. Jasper was there and I shook hands with him as well. When I came back and took my place at the head of the table, both maids seemed very friendly, and I detected surprise in their manner, and also in his. I don’t know what they expected, but I’d been brought up to treat servants as human, and have never regretted doing it.
For dinner there was fruit cup, roast lamb, new potatoes, peas, salad, and ice cream. While Earl carved the lamb, Myra poured us drinks, tonic water for him and, unasked for, a glass of wine for me. I thought it surprising that he hadn’t let her know I didn’t drink, but this was no time to correct the error, so I simply smiled and pretended to have a sip. Even the taste of it on my lips made me slightly ill-I remembered it as the taste on Ron’s lips many a night when he’d come home soused and pressed himself against me.
When we’d finished the meal and had our coffee, I went out and complimented Araminta on the beautiful dinner, and thanked the maids for the way they served it. Then I led the way to the drawing room, where I felt it was well to say: “I feel a bit better now.” I didn’t; if anything, I felt worse as anxiety began to possess me over what was going to happen when we went upstairs to bed. However, nothing did-he let me go to my room, making no move to follow, and saying goodnight at the door, with no more than a small token kiss, there in the hall outside.
It surprised me-but then he had seemed very preoccupied, as we sat for an hour after dinner in the drawing room, where I took a chair instead of a place on a sofa, and he took a chair on the other side of the room. After a time he’d said: “In a way perhaps we can be glad it happened.”
“Glad?” I said, keeping my voice neutral, or trying to.
“It cleared the air, kind of.”
“In what way, cleared the air?”
“From now on it’s you and me. It puts ideas in my head.”
“What kind of ideas, Earl?”
“You’ll see-friendly ones, that’s all I care to say till I know where I’m at. I think you’re going to be pleased-we could even say excited. But-let’s let it be my little surprise.”
My big surprise for Tad had turned out quite a bust; how this little one for me would turn out I didn’t know, but the way my stomach was jumping warned me. And though when we went up he didn’t follow me into my room, or try to watch me undress, or in any way make the kind of pest of himself he’d been making before, just kissed me once and said goodnight, as he turned away he winked. So, I lay in the dark and tried to guess what that meant. I sat up after a while and stared out the window. For the thought had occurred to me: The way you guess what it meant is, you guess the worst possible thing you can think of, and with him, that has to be it.
The worst possible thing I could think of was that he meant to renege on our bargain, and consummate-or try to. I felt my mouth go dry, and wanted to echo Tad, with the scream he had given, of horror. I thought: That can’t be it! The doctor has warned him-it’s unthinkable. It turned out, though, that if you want something badly enough, it’s not only thinkable, but doable.
I was asleep when the tap came on the door, but when I called he came in, kissed me good morning, and said he must go to work- “I’ve been away, and things have piled up.” I said something, how proud I was of him, “that you carry on as you do, letting nothing interfere. It’s the kind of thing I respect.” And if I sound hypocritical, I wasn’t, as I said what I felt, quite honestly. I do respect the person who works at his job, as barber or waitress or whatever, and I try to have manners, however I feel. “O.K., O.K.,” he whispered. “Now you go back to sleep. But tonight, as I hope, I’ll have something to report.”