I risked a glance over my shoulder, and there was the other half. I nodded. ‘Francis.’
He nodded back. ‘’Spector.’ His John Lennon glasses had steamed up in the Tartan Bunnet’s chip-fat air. A big droopy Irn-Bru moustache beneath his twisted and flattened nose, the soul patch under his bottom lip already going grey. His curly red hair was streaked with it too, pulled back in a ponytail, the hairline ragged around a line of scar tissue where I’d tried to cave his skull in with an unopened tin of beans. Black leather jacket, black shirt, black jeans, heavy black boots.
I scooted my chair sideways, so I could keep an eye on him and the brains of the operation at the same time. ‘I thought you two were banished from Oldcastle on pain of dismemberment.’
‘Ah, yes, after that unfortunate misunderstanding about Mrs Kerrigan. Well, it’s to our benefit that those who once governed the more... nefarious aspects of this great city have retired to what I understand is a rather splendid private island in the Caribbean. Meaning that Francis and myself have been able to return and take up a more entrepreneurial role.’ He pulled out a small metal wallet and slid free a white rectangle. Placed it on the tabletop. ‘Our card.’
‘J&F ~ FREELANCE CONSULTANTS’ and a mobile number. No names, no address, no details.
‘What do you want, Joseph?’
‘Me?’ He sighed. ‘Alas, it is with a heavy heart that I stand before you today.’ He put his hand back on Alice’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze. ‘We have—’
‘Do you remember what I said I’d do to you if you ever touched her again?’
The growling got louder, darker.
‘Now, let me think...’ A frown pulled at that scarred dome. Then the smile was back. ‘Ah yes, you said you would, and I hope I’m quoting this correctly, “break every one of my fingers then make me eat them”? A tad macabre and melodramatic, but then tempers were rather heated at the time, as I recall. Sadly, they seem destined to be that way again.’
Francis took off his steamed-up glasses and slipped them into his jacket pocket. No emotion at all in his small pink eyes. ‘Yup.’
Joseph clasped his hands together and turned to face the fat man, who seemed to have developed an all-consuming interest in his crossword. ‘Sir, I believe the most efficacious way for you to ensure your continued wellbeing is to exit with the utmost alacrity. There we go.’ Giving a muted round of applause as the man grabbed his newspaper and coat, then scrambled for the door, nearly tripping over a chair in his rush to get out of there.
The bell dinged as he disappeared into the night.
‘And Doctor McDonald, it would be best if you could control your canine companion. I would hate for something untoward to occur to it. Veterinarian treatment can prove very expensive when a pet has suffered serious injury.’
Alice snatched Henry up and clasped him against her chest as the wee lad snarled.
‘Thank you. Now, where were we?’ Joseph clapped his gloved hands together. ‘Ah yes: you see, Mr Henderson, a mutual... well I can hardly call her a “friend” in the circumstances, but I imagine “acquaintance” shall suffice, has commissioned the services of myself and my esteemed colleague to, as she put it, “beat the living shit” out of you. Apparently you threw her mobile phone off a ferry, and said certain things that caused her great consternation and personal distress.’ He took his hand off Alice’s shoulder to hold it up, palm out. ‘Now, I can assure you that this assignment will give neither Francis nor myself anything but displeasure to perform, especially given our shared history, however a contractual obligation is a contractual obligation.’ A what-can-one-do shrug. ‘But it is within our gift to keep said beating as brief as is humanly, if not humanely, possible. So, if you would care to accompany my associate to the exterior of this fine establishment, he will perform the unpleasant task before us, while I keep the good doctor here company to ensure any thoughts of noncompliance are furthest from your mind.’
If he thought I was going to meekly stand outside and take a kicking, he was in for a nasty shock. ‘How did you know I was here?’
‘Ah, Mr Henderson, ever the inquiring mind, I do so admire that about you. Let us simply say that gentlemen in our position may obtain information to our advantage from those prepared to divulge things they perhaps shouldn’t in exchange for financial gain or the diminution of certain debts.’
AKA: some bastard ratted me out.
I cricked my neck to one side, then the other. Rolled my shoulders.
I’d taken Francis before and I could do it again.
As long as I made sure he—
The world snapped back through ninety degrees as Francis’s fist slammed into my face.
33
A high-pitched whine burst across the café, accompanied by a swarm of wasps — making fierce yellow circles in the corner of my eyes. And then the pain hit. Slicing through my sinuses, digging its claws into the back of my eyes and my skull. The world stinking of hot iron and cracked pepper as my head rocked forward again and scarlet spurted down across my shirt.
‘Gnnn...’
‘Now, Francis! That was hardly sporting, was it? You didn’t even allow Mr Henderson the opportunity to stand up.’
‘Sorry.’
Hands took hold of my jacket’s lapels, hauling me out of my chair as the room waltzed one way then the other, the wasps getting louder. Scarlet droplets bursting against the linoleum at my feet.
Henry’s barks rang out like a shotgun.
Alice joined them: ‘GET OFF HIM, YOU BASTARD!’
‘Now, now, dear Doctor, let’s not escalate this situation unnecessarily. Control that animal, before it gets hurt.’
I blinked away the tears. Brought my fists up.
Francis’s head got smaller for a heartbeat, then swelled up like a meteorite, slamming into the bridge of my nose with the crack and pop of a thousand fireworks. Filling the world with the stench of raw meat. My right leg stopped working, the knee refusing to hold my weight as the café’s waltz turned into a polka and boiling petrol washed through my face. Bursting into flame as it touched whatever was left of my nasal cartilage. I grabbed a handful of table, keeping myself upright. But only just.
FIGHT BACK!
I swung. Missed.
‘That’s the spirit, Mr Henderson! Do not go quietly into that dark night!’
That was the trouble with gobby bastards — too much time spent on word-of-the-day calendars and not enough learning the proper bloody quotes.
More barking.
I spat out a mouthful of copper pennies. ‘Come on then. That all you’ve got?’
Effie emerged from the kitchen, teeth bared, a frying pan clutched in one hand like a mallet. ‘What the hell do youse bastards think you’re doing in my café?’
‘How unfortunate.’ Joseph raised his eyes to the grubby ceiling as if the answer to Effie’s question was written there. Then turned his cold hard smile on her. ‘I take it you are the proprietor of this fine establishment? Well, if you’d be so kind as to take a seat and remain silent, we shall try to conduct our business here with the minimum of disruption to your premises. It would be a matter of personal regret if we were forced to cause damage to your fixtures, fittings, and limbs.’