APPRECIATING GIFTS
So how can couples cultivate gratitude, compensate for different tolerances of disorder, and thus create more equitable divisions of household labor—and greater satisfaction with their relationship?
Part of the answer comes from simply being aware of these phenomena. Once one understands that, in a sense, one’s partner truly did not “see” the dirty dishes, piles of laundry, and overflowing garbage, one tends to be less angry and can discuss the issue more calmly and in a less accusatory fashion—which in turn can help one’s partner be less defensive.
In general, it is best to anticipate problems before they arise. Overperformers should avoid repetitively performing a task they don’t want to “own,” especially when first living with their partner. In other words, when you first move in with your romantic partner, be careful not to cook dinner every night—or you can expect to continue cooking it every night for the rest of your relationship. Take turns in the beginning so that you can both own the task down the line.
Overperformers can also communicate to their partner when a task should be performed, rather than waiting for the partner’s threshold level to be reached—and resenting them for their lack of awareness. Also, although underperformers may not perform a task to their partner’s standards, statements of appreciation—rather than criticism for not doing it right or for doing it too late—are more likely to encourage repetition.
It also helps if underperformers understand that their partners are more disturbed by a messy house, so they need to develop strategies to respond to the differences in threshold levels, such as performing a task even before it bothers them. Each partner can take responsibility for specific tasks that they perform on a schedule, regardless of whether they are disturbed by it—for instance, by taking out the garbage every Monday and Thursday, whether or not they think it needs to be done.
Finally, domestic partners may find it helpful to write down a list of their tasks and then switch lists for a week or month to better understand their partner’s contributions. They may be surprised to discover that their partner does far more than they thought. When her husband Jim was on crutches for two weeks, one of us (Jess) discovered that she did, in fact, perform more routine household labor, but she also discovered that Jim performed many of the “dirty” tasks that she really didn’t want to do. She then began to see the division of labor as more equitable.
The gratitude issue is thornier. But understanding the role of gratitude in the division of labor can encourage overperformers to take responsibility for fewer tasks so that these tasks are not taken for granted as “his” or “hers.” Also, understanding the economy of gratitude can help underperformers recognize that they do benefit from their partner’s efforts—that this work is, in fact, a gift to them, wrapped in clean laundry and vacuumed rugs. They might not be disturbed by disorder as early as their partners, but eventually they would be and would have to do the tasks themselves. Thus, their partners are performing tasks that, rightly, belong to both of them. And if partners practice some of the steps outlined above to create a more equitable division of labor, they’re likely to gain newfound appreciation for the work the other performs for them.
It’s unlikely that these suggestions will eliminate conflict around couples’ division of labor. But we do believe that they can help partners reduce the frequency of their conflict, increase their expressions of gratitude, and improve their overall feelings about their relationship. Most of all, they can help partners avoid the trap of taking each other for granted and help them start to appreciate all the gifts—big and small—that they give to one another.
STUMBLING TOWARD GRATITUDE
Catherine Price
I HAVE A CONFESSION: When I go to a bookstore, I like hanging out in the self-help section. I don’t know if it’s because I think I’ll find a book that will solve all my problems or if seeing all the books on problems I don’t have makes me feel better about myself. But whatever it is, I keep going back.
On recent visits, I’ve noticed a trend: The market has been glutted by books promising the secrets to happiness. That might not seem new, but these aren’t touchy-feely self-help titles—they’re books by scientific researchers, who claim to offer prescriptions based on rigorous empirical research. It’s all part of the “positive psychology” movement that has spilled out of academic journals and into best-selling books, popular magazine articles, and even school curricula.
As I glanced through a few of these titles, two things quickly became clear. First, positive psychologists claim that you can create your own happiness. Conventional wisdom has long held that each of us is simply born with a happiness “set point” (meaning that some people are constitutionally more likely to be happy than others). That’s partially true—but according to positive psychologists Sonja Lyubomirsky and Ken Sheldon, research now suggests that up to 40 percent of our happiness might stem from intentional activities in which we choose to engage.
Second, in trying to explain which activities might actually help us cultivate happiness, positive psychology keeps returning to the same concept: gratitude. In study after study, researchers have found that if people actively try to become more grateful in their everyday lives, they’re likely to become happier—and healthier—as well.
So how do positive psychologists recommend that you increase your level of gratitude—and therefore happiness? They endorse several research-tested exercises. These include keeping a “gratitude journal,” where you record a running list of things for which you’re grateful; making a conscious effort to “savor” all the beauty and pleasures in your daily life; and writing a “gratitude letter” to some important person in your life who you’ve never properly thanked.
These gratitude exercises all sounded pleasant enough, but would they work for me? While I’m not currently depressed, I’m very aware that depression runs in my family: I’m the only person—including the dog—who has not yet been on Prozac. So I decided to indulge in all three of these exercises over a six-week period, risking the possibility that I might become an insufferably happy and cheerful person.
I e-mailed University of Miami psychologist Michael McCullough, a leading gratitude researcher, to ask what he thought I could expect as a result of my gratitude overdose.
“If you’re not experiencing more happiness and satisfaction in your life after this six-week gratitude infusion,” he wrote back, “I’ll eat my hat!”
GETTING GRATEFUL
My first step was to get a gratitude journal. Luckily, a year earlier my recently retired father had stumbled across a bookstore that sold “quotable journals”—blank books with inspiring quotes on their covers. My father, always a sucker for inspiration, sent me seven of them. I settled on one with a cover that said, in all caps, “Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.” Given my experiment in manufactured happiness, this seemed appropriate.