YEGORUSHKA, a poor relation of the Lebedevs
FIRST GUEST
SECOND GUEST
PYOTR, Ivanov’s manservant
GAVRILA, the Lebedevs’ manservant
GUESTS of both sexes, manservants
The action takes place in one of the districts5 of Central Russia.
ACT ONE
A garden on Ivanov’s estate. Left, the facade of a house with a veranda. One of the windows is open. In front of the veranda is a broad, semi-circular expanse, with paths leading straight ahead and to the left, to the garden. At the right, little garden settees and tables. A lamp is lit on one of the latter. Evening is drawing on. At the rise of the curtain one can hear a duet for piano and cello being practiced in the house.
I
IVANOV and BORKIN.
IVANOV is sitting at a table, reading a book.
BORKIN, wearing heavy boots and carrying a rifle, appears at the bottom of the garden; he is tipsy; after he spots Ivanov, he tiptoes up to him and, when he has come alongside him, aims the gun in his face.
IVANOV (on seeing Borkin, shudders and jumps up). Misha, God knows what . . . you scared me . . . I’m jittery enough as it is, but you keep playing these stupid jokes . . . (Sits.) He scared me, so he’s pleased with himself . . .
BORKIN (roars with laughter). Right, right . . . sorry, sorry. (Sits beside him.) I won’t do it any more, no more . . . (Takes off his vizored cap.) It’s hot. Would you believe, sweetheart, I’ve covered over ten miles in something like three hours . . . I’ve knocked myself out, had a hell of a time . . . Just feel my heart, the way it’s pounding . . .
IVANOV (reading). Fine, later . . .
BORKIN. No, feel it right now. (Takes his hand and puts it on his chest.) You hear it? Boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom. That means I’ve got heart trouble. Any minute I could keel over and die. Say, would you be sorry if I died?
IVANOV. I’m reading . . . later . . .
BORKIN. No, seriously, would you be sorry if I suddenly up and died? Niko-lay Alekseevich, would you be sorry if I died? . . .
IVANOV. Stop pestering me!
BORKIN. Dear boy, tell me, would you be sorry?
IVANOV. I’m sorry that you reek of vodka. It’s disgusting, Misha.
BORKIN (laughs). I really reek? I can’t believe it . . . Actually, I can believe it. At Plesniki I ran into the coroner, and the two of us, I must admit, knocked back about eight drinks apiece. Fundamentally, drinking is very bad for your health. Tell me, is it really bad? Huh? Is it bad for you?
IVANOV. This is unbearable, for the last time . . . Get it through your head, Misha, that this teasing . . .
BORKIN. Right, right . . . sorry, sorry! . . . Take it easy, sit down . . . (Gets up and walks away. ) Incredible people, you’re not even allowed to talk. (Comes back.) Oh, yes! I almost forgot . . . Let’s have it, eighty-two rubles! . . .
IVANOV. What eighty-two rubles?
BORKIN. To pay the workmen tomorrow.
IVANOV. I haven’t got it.
BORKIN. Thank you very kindly! (Mimics him.) I haven’t got it . . . After all, don’t the workmen have to be paid? Don’t they?
IVANOV. I don’t know. I haven’t got anything today. Wait till the first of the month when I get my salary.6
BORKIN. Just try and have a conversation with characters like this! . . . The workmen aren’t coming for their money on the first of the month, but tomorrow morning!
IVANOV. What am I supposed to do about it now? Go on, saw me in half, nag at me . . . And where you did you pick up this revolting habit of pestering me whenever I’m reading, writing or . . .
BORKIN. What I’m asking you is: do the workmen get paid or not? Eh, what’s the use of talking to you! . . . (Waves his hand in dismissal.) Landowners too, the hell with ‘em, lords of creation . . . Experimental farming methods . . . Nearly three hundred acres of land and not a penny in their pocket . . . It’s like a wine cellar without a corkscrew. I’ll go and sell the carriage horses tomorrow! Yes sir! . . . I sold the oats while they were still standing in the field, tomorrow I’ll go and sell the rye. (Strides up and down the stage.) You think I’ll wait for an invitation? Do you? Well, no sir, you’re not dealing with that sort of person . . .
II
The same, SHABELSKY (offstage), and ANNA PETROVNA.
SHABELSKY’s voice from the window: “It’s impossible to play with you . . . You’ve no more ear than a gefilte fish, and your touch is a disgrace . . . A Semitic, guttural touch, you can smell the garlic in it a mile off. “
ANNA PETROVNA (appears in the open window). Who was talking out here just now? Was it you, Misha? Why are you stamping around like that?
BORKIN. Talk to your Nicolas-voilå7 and it’d get you stamping too . . .
ANNA PETROVNA. Listen, Misha, have them bring some hay to the croquet lawn. I want to turn somersaults . . .
BORKIN (waves his hand in dismissal). Leave me alone, please . . .
ANNA PETROVNA (laughs). Really, what a tone to take . . . That tone of voice doesn’t suit a chubby little cherub like you at all, Misha. If you want women to love you, never get angry with them and don’t act self-important . . . (to her husband.) Nikolay, let’s turn somersaults now and forever! . . .
IVANOV. Anyuta, it’s bad for you to stand in an open window. Go in, please . . . (Shouts.) Uncle, shut the window!
The window is shut.
BORKIN. Don’t forget, day after tomorrow, the interest has to be paid to Lebedev.
IVANOV. I remember. I’ll be at Lebedev’s today and I’ll ask them to postpone it . . . (Looks at his watch.)
BORKIN. When are you going over there?
IVANOV. Right now . . .
BORKIN (quickly). Hold on, hold on! isn’t today, I think, Shurochka’s birthday? . . . Well, well, well, well . . . And me forgetting all about it . . . What a memory, eh? (Skips.) I’ll go, I’ll go . . . (Sings.) I’ll go . . . I’ll go for a swim, chew some paper, take three drops of ammonia8 and it’s off to a fresh start. . . . Darling, Nikolay Alekseevich, sweetie-pie, love of my life, you’re always a nervous wreck, no kidding, you’re whining, constantly melancho-leric,9 and yet you and I, no kidding, could get a hell of a lot of things done together! I’m ready to do anything for you . . . You want me to marry Mar-fusha Babakina for your sake? Marfutka’s so much crap, damn it, but should I marry her? Half the dowry is yours . . . I mean, not half, but all of it . . . Take all of it! . . .
IVANOV. If you’re going to talk rot . . .
BORKIN. No, seriously, no kidding, you want me to marry Marfusha? Go fifty-fifty on the dowry . . . But why am I talking to you? As if you understood me? (Mimics him.) “If you’re going to talk rot.” You’re a good man, an intelligent man, but you haven’t got an ounce of, what d’y’call it, you know, get up and go. If only you’d do things in a big way, raise a little hell . . . You’re a neurotic, a crybaby, but if you were a normal man, you could make a million in a year’s time . . . For instance, if I had 2,300 rubles right now, in two weeks I’d have twenty thousand. You don’t believe me? You think I’m talking nonsense? No, it’s not nonsense . . . Just give me 2,300 rubles, and in a week I’ll show you twenty thousand. On the other side of the river Ovsyanov is selling a strip of land, just across from us, for 2,300 rubles. If we buy that strip, we’ll own both sides of the riverbank. And if we own both sides, you understand, we have the right to dam the river . . . Am I right? We could put up a mill, and as soon as we announce that we want to build a dam, everyone who lives downstream will kick up a fuss, and right away we go kommen Sie hier,10 if you don’t want a dam, pay up. Get it? Zarev’s factory will pay us five thousand, Korolkov three thousand, the monastery will pay five thousand . . .