LEBEDEV (going to the armchair farthest at left, yawns). Ugh, forgive us sinners . . . (On seeing Babakina.) Good Lord, our pot of jam is sitting here! . . .Our Turkish delight! . . . (Greets her.) How is your most precious little self?
BABAKINA. Thanks ever so.
LEBEDEV. Well, God be praised, God be praised . . . (Sits in an armchair.) Well, well . . . Gavrila!
GAVRÍLA serves him a shot of vodka and a glass of water; he drinks the vodka and chases it down with water.
DUDKIN. Your very good health! . . .
LEBEDEV. What do you mean, good health? I haven’t croaked yet, and I’m thankful for that. (To his wife.) Zyuzyushka, where’s our birthday girl?
KOSYKH (tearfully). Tell me, for heaven’s sake: well, how come we didn’t take a single trick? (Leaps up.) Well, then why did we lose, damn it all to hell!
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA (leaps up, angrily). Because, my good man, if you don’t know how to play, don’t sit in . . . Since when are you entitled to lead somebody else’s suit? That’s how you got stuck with that pickled ace of yours . . .
They both run out from behind the table.
KOSYKH (in a tearful voice). If I may, my friends . . . I was holding diamonds: ace, king, queen, jack, and eight low cards, ace of spades and one, you understand, one lousy little heart, and she, for some damn reason, couldn’t call a little slam! . . . I bid no trumps . . .
AVDOTYA NAZARONA (interrupting). I’m the one who bid no trumps! You bid: two no trumps . . .23
KOSYKH. This is a disgrace! . . . If I may . . . you had . . . I had . . . you had . . . (To Lebedev.) Now you be the judge, Pavel Kirillych . . . I was holding diamonds: ace, king, queen, jack, and eight low cards . . .
LEBEDEV (covers up his ears). Stop, do me a favor . . . stop . . .
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA (shouts). I was the one who bid: no trumps!
KOSYKH (fiercely). Call me a villain and an outcast if I ever sit down to play with that old barracuda again! (Quickly heads for the veranda, but stops at the card table; to Yegorushka.) Did you keep count? What did you write down? Hold on . . . thirty-eight times eight . . . is . . . eighty-eight . . . Oh, the hell with it! . . . (Exits into the garden.)
SECOND GUEST follows him out, YEGORUSHKA remains at
the table.
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA. Oof . . . He’s got me all overheated . . . . Stickle-back . . . Barracuda yourself! . . .
BABAKINA. Well, now you’ve gone and lost your temper, granny . . .
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA (on seeing Babakina, throws up her hands). My honey-bun, my beauty! . . . She’s here, and, blind as a biddy, I didn’t see her . . . Sweetie-pie . . . (Kisses her on the shoulder and sits beside her.) What a treat! Let me take a good look at you, my snow-white swan! Poo, poo, poo . . . evil eye begone! . . .24
LEBEDEV. Well, now she’s wound up . . . You’d better find her a bridegroom . . .
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA. And I will! I won’t go quiet to my grave, with all my sins on my head, until I get her married and your Sanichka too! I won’t go quiet . . . (Deep sigh.) Only there now, where are you to find bridegrooms nowadays? There they sit, these bridegrooms of ours, as crestfallen as drenched roosters! . . .
DUDKIN. Because no one’s paying us any attention . . .
III
The same and SASHA.
SASHA enters from the garden and quietly goes to her father.
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA. Sashenka, don’t you see that Marfa Yegorovna is here?
SASHA. Sorry. (Goes to Babakina and greets her.)
BABAKINA. You’re getting to be quite standoffish, Sanichka, quite standoffish . . . haven’t paid me a single visit.
Exchanges kisses.
Congratulations, sweetheart . . .
SASHA. Thank you. (Sits next to her father.)
LEBEDEV. Yes, Avdotya Nazarovna, it’s hard to find bridegrooms nowadays. Not just bridegrooms—you can’t get a passable best man. The young people these days, no offense meant, have, God bless ‘em, an off-taste, like leftovers reheated . . . Can’t dance or talk or have a serious drink with ‘em . . .
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA. Well, drinking’s one thing they know all about, just let ‘em at it . . .
LEBEDEV. There’s no great trick to drinking, even a horse knows how to drink . . . No, I’m talking serious drinking! . . . In our time, used to be, you’d get worn out at lectures all day long, and as soon as it was dark, you’d go straight to wherever a fire was blazing and spin like a top till dawn came up . . . And you’d dance, and flirt with the young ladies, and that took knowhow. (Flicks himself on the throat.)25 Used to be, you’d blather and philosophize till your jaw came unhinged . . . But nowadays . . . (Waves his hand in dismissal.) I don’t understand . . . They’re wishy-washy, neither this nor that. In the whole district there’s only one decent fellow, and he’s married (sighs) and it looks like he’s starting to go crazy too . . .
BABAKINA. Who’s that?
LEBEDEV. Nikolasha Ivanov.
BABAKINA. Yes, he’s a good man (makes a face), only so unhappy! . . .
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA. You said it, sweetheart, how can he be happy! (Sighs.) What a mistake he made, poor thing! He married his kike bitch26 and figured, poor thing, that her father and mother would heap mountains of gold on her, but it came out quite the opposite . . . From the time she converted, her father and mother wouldn’t have anything to do with her, cursed her . . . Not a penny did he get out of them. He’s sorry for it now, but it’s too late . . .
SASHA. Mama, that’s not true . . .
BABAKINA (heatedly). Shurochka, why isn’t it true? After all, everybody knows it. If it weren’t for gain, why else would he marry the kike bitch? Aren’t there plenty of Russian girls? He miscalculated, sweetheart, miscalculated . . . (Vigorously.) Lord, and now doesn’t he make it hot for her, the slut! . . . Simply laughable . . . He’ll come home from somewhere and right away he goes: “Your father and mother cheated me! Get out of my house!” And where can she go? Father and mother won’t take her in, she could become a housemaid, but she wasn’t brought up to work . . . So he rags on her and rags on her, until the Count stands up for her. If it weren’t for the Count, he would have done her in long ago . . .
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA. Besides that, sometimes he locks her up in the cellar with “Eat your garlic, you so-and-so”27. . . She eats it and eats it, till she starts to stink from the inside out.
Laughter.
SASHA. Papa, that’s got to be another lie!