LEBEDEV. God bless you, you’re good for a laugh, Michel Michelich . . . (Stops laughing.) Well, gentlemen, “only warlike talk is heard, but as for vodka, not a word.”38 Repetatur! . . .39
Rises and walks over to the vodka.
(Fills three shot glasses.) Our good health . . .
They drink and take a snack.
A little bit of herring, my dears, the appetizer of all appetizers . . .
SHABELSKY. Well, no, gherkin’s better . . . Learned men have been pondering from the dawn of time and never come up with anything cleverer than a pickled gherkin. (to Pyotr.) Pyotr, go and get more gherkins and tell ‘em in the kitchen to bake four onion tarts. And see that they’re hot . . .
PYOTR exits.
LEBEDEV. Another good thing to eat with vodka is caviar. Only how? Got to use your head . . . Take a quarter pound of pressed caviar, two bulbs of green onion, olive oil, mix it all up and, you know, like this . . . a little lemon juice on top . . . To die for! . . . You could go crazy from the smell alone . . . (Energetically.) Have you ever eaten caviar made from saffron milkcap mushrooms?
SHABELSKY. No . . .
LEBEDEV. Hm . . . Mince your pickled saffron milkcaps finely, finely, till they’re like caviar or, you know what I mean, buckwheat groats . . . Put in onion, olive oil . . . a bit of pepper, vinegar . . . (Kisses his fingers.) What a combination . . .
BORKIN. Another nice thing to chase down vodka is fried smelts. Only you’ve got to know how to fry them. You’ve got to gut them, then roll them in fine bread crumbs and fry them crisp, so they crunch between your teeth . . . cru-cru-cru . . .
SHABELSKY. Yesterday at Babakina’s there was a good appetizer —button mushrooms.
LEBEDEV. No kidding . . .
SHABELSKY. Only prepared some special way. You know, with onion, bay leaf, all sorts of spices. As soon as they took the lid off the saucepan, it gave off a vapor, an aroma . . . sheer rapture . . .
LEBEDEV. How about it? Repetatur, gentlemen!
They drink.
Our health . . . (Looks at his watch.) I don’t think I can wait till Nikolasha shows up. It’s time for me to go. At Babakina’s, you say, they served mushrooms, but you have yet to see a mushroom at our place. Would you like to tell me, Count, why the hell you spend so much time at Marfutka’s?
SHABELSKY (nods at Borkin). That one, he wants to marry me off to her . . .
LEBEDEV. Marry? . . . How old are you?
SHABELSKY. Sixty-two . . .
LEBEDEV. Just the age for getting married, and Marfutka’s the ideal mate for you.
BORKIN. It’s got nothing to do with Marfutka, but with Marfutka’s coin of the realm.
LEBEDEV. Which is what you’re after: Marfutka’s coin of the realm . . . You want some green cheese from the moon as well?
BORKIN. As soon as the man’s married, he’ll line his empochers,40 then you’ll see green cheese. You’ll be drooling for it . . .
SHABELSKY. Bless my soul, he’s really serious. This genius is convinced that I’m obeying his orders and getting married . . .
BORKIN. How else? Didn’t you already agree to it?
SHABELSKY. You’re out of your mind . . . When did I agree to it? Psss . . .
BORKIN. Thank you . . . Thank you very much! So this means you’re going to let me down? One minute he’s getting married, the next he’s not . . . who the hell can tell the difference, and I’ve already given my word of honor! So you’re not getting married?
SHABELSKY (shrugs his shoulders). He’s serious . . . A wonderful fellow!
BORKIN (exasperated). In that case, what was the point of getting a respectable woman all hot and bothered? She’s frantic to be a countess, can’t sleep, can’t eat . . . . Is that a laughing matter? . . . Is that the decent thing to do?
SHABELSKY (snaps his fingers). What then, what if I actually do commit this dirty deed all by myself? Eh? For spite? I’ll go and commit the dirty deed. Word of honor . . . Might be fun! . . .
II
The same and LVOV.
LEBEDEV. Our regards to Æsculapius . . . (Gives Lvov his hand and sings.) “Doctor, save me, my dear fellow, thoughts of death turn me quite yellow. . .”41
LVOV. Nikolay Alekseevich still isn’t here?
LEBEDEV. Well, no, I’ve been waiting for him for over an hour . . .
LVOV impatiently paces up and down the stage.
Dear boy, how is Anna Petrovna?
LVOV. In a bad way . . .
LEBEDEV (sighs). May I go and convey my respects?
LVOV. No, please, don’t. I think she’s sleeping . . .
Pause.
LEBEDEV. An attractive woman, a splendid woman . . . (Sighs.) On Shu-rochka’s birthday, when she fainted at our place, I stared into her face and that’s when I realized that she hasn’t long to live, poor thing. I can’t understand why she took a turn for the worse just then. I run in, lo and behold: she’s white as a sheet, lying on the floor, Nikolasha is kneeling beside her, white as well, Shurochka’s all in tears. The whole of the next week, Shurochka and I went around in a daze . . .
SHABELSKY (to Lvov). Tell me, my respected apostle of science, which scientist discovered that the most salutary thing for chest ailments is private visits from a young physician? It’s a great discovery, truly great . . . How would you classify it: as allopathy or homeopathy?42
LVOV is about to reply, but makes a scornful gesture and exits.
If looks could kill . . . .
LEBEDEV. You’re giving your tongue a workout . . . Why did you insult him?
SHABELSKY (irritated). And why does he lie to me? Tuberculosis, no hope, she’s dying . . . He’s lying . . . I can’t stand it . . .
LEBEDEV. What makes you think he’s lying?
SHABELSKY (rises and walks around). I cannot abide the thought that a living human being suddenly, for no reason at all, can up and die. Let’s change the subject . . .
III
LEBEDEV, SHABELSKY, BORKIN, and KOSYKH.
KOSYKH (runs in, panting). Is Nikolay Alekseevich at home? Good afternoon! (Quickly shakes everyone’s hand.) At home?
BORKIN. He is not . . .
KOSYKH (sits and jumps up). In that case, good-bye . . . (Drinks a glass of vodka and has a quick bite.) I’ll move on . . . Business . . . I’m exhausted . . . I can barely stand on my feet . . .
LEBEDEV. What wind has blown you here?
KOSYKH. I’ve been at Barabanov’s. We were playing whist all night long and only just finished . . . I lost every last thing . . . That Barabanov plays like a shoemaker! (In a tearful voice.) Just you listen: I was holding hearts the whole time . . . (Turns to Borkin, who jumps away from him.) He leads diamonds, I go hearts again, he goes diamonds . . . Well, not one trick . . . (to Lebedev.) We try to take four clubs . . . I’ve got an ace, queen and four more clubs, ace, ten, and three more spades . . .