LEBEDEV (covers his ears). Spare me, spare me, for Christ’s sake, spare me!
KOSYKH (to the Count). You know what I mean: ace, queen, and four more clubs, ace, ten, three more spades . . .
SHABELSKY (pushing him away with his hands). Go away, I don’t want to hear it . . .
KOSYKH. And suddenly, of all the bad luck: the ace of spades was trumped first round.
SHABELSKY (grabs a revolver off the desk). Get out of here or I’ll shoot!
KOSYKH (waves his hand in dismissal). What the hell . . . Can’t a man even talk to people? It’s like living in Australia: no common interests, no solidarity . . . Every man lives on his own . . . Anyway, I’ve got to go . . . it’s time. (Takes his cap.) Time is money . . . (Gives Lebedev his hand.) Pass! . . .
Laughter.
LEBEDEV. You’ve played cards, dear heart, to the point that you say pass instead of good-bye . . .
KOSYKH leaves and bumps into Avdotya Nazarovna in the doorway.
IV
SHABELSKY, LEBEDEV, BORKIN, and AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA.
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA (cries out). Blast you, you’ve knocked me off my feet!
EVERYONE. Ah-ah-ah! . . . The unavoidable! . . .
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA. Here they are, I’ve been looking for them all over the house. Good afternoon, my fine feathered friends, greetings, greetings . . . (Greets them.) I’ve been through all the rooms, but there’s that doctor, enough to drive you crazy, bugging out those beady eyes of his, with his “What do you want? Get out of here . . . You’ll disturb the patient,” he says. As if it was that easy . . .
LEBEDEV. What’s she doing here?
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA. Business, my good sir! (to the Count.) Business on your behalf, your grace. (Bows.) I was told to give you my regards and ask after your health . . . (Sings.)
Short is the time the flower doth in the garden grow,
Short is the time Matvey his love doth woo.
And she, my baby-doll, told me to say that if you don’t come this evening, she will cry her little eyes out. “So,” she says, “my dear, take him aside and whisper secretly in his ear.” But why secretly? We’re all friends here. And in a case like this, we’re not robbing the henhouse, it’s by law and by love, by mutual agreement . . . Never, for all my sins, do I touch a drop, but in a case like this I’ll have a drink . . .
LEBEDEV. And so will I . . . (Pours.) And you, you old crow, you’re still going strong. I’ve known you for well nigh thirty years and you’ve always been old . . .
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA. I’ve lost count of the years . . . Two husbands I’ve buried, I would have taken a third, but nobody’ll have you without a dowry. Eight children I’ve had, more or less . . . (Takes a glass.) Well, God grant we’ve embarked on a successful venture, God grant it ends in success . . . May they live long and prosper, and may we behold them and rejoice. May they abide in harmony and love. (Drinks.) Pretty strong vodka . . .
SHABELSKY (roaring with laughter, to Lebedev). But, do you realize, the strangest thing of all is that they take it seriously, as if I . . . Wonderful . . . (Rises.) Or else, actually, Pasha, should I commit this dirty deed on my own? For spite . . . new tricks for an old dog, as they say . . . Eh, Pasha? No kidding . . .
LEBEDEV. You’re talking drivel, Count. Our concern, yours and mine, my boy, is to be mindful of our deaths, for Marfutka and her coin of the realm have passed you by long ago . . . Our time is over . . .
SHABELSKY. No, I will do the deed. Word of honor, I’ll do the deed . . .
Enter IVANOV and LVOV.
V
The same, IVANOV, and LVOV.
LVOV. Please grant me just five minutes.
LEBEDEV. Nikolasha . . . (Goes to meet Ivanov and kisses him.) Good afternoon, my dear friend . . . I’ve been waiting for you a whole hour . . .
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA (bows). Good afternoon, my dear sir! . . .
IVANOV (bitterly). Gentlemen, once again you’ve turned my study into a barroom! . . . I’ve asked each and every one of you a thousand times not to do it . . . (Walks over to the desk.) There, look, you’ve spilled vodka on the papers . . . crumbs . . . pickles . . . it’s really disgusting! . . .
LEBEDEV. Sorry, Nikolasha, sorry . . . Forgive us. You and I, dear friend, have some very important business to talk over . . . .
BORKIN. So do I.
LVOV. Nikolay Alekseevich, may I have a word with you?
IVANOV (points to Lebedev). He’s the one who needs me. Wait, you’re next . . . (to Lebedev.) What’s on your mind?
LEBEDEV. Gentlemen, I’d like to speak in private . . . Please . . .
The COUNT, laughing and making faces, exits with AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA, followed by BORKIN, then LVOV.
IVANOV. Pasha, you can drink as much as you like, it’s your funeral, but please don’t let my uncle drink.43 He never drank at my house before . . . It’s bad for him.
LEBEDEV (alarmed). My dear boy, I didn’t know . . . I didn’t even notice . . .
IVANOV. God forbid, but if that old baby should die, you’re not the one who’ll feel bad, I am . . . What do you want?
Pause.
LEBEDEV. You see, my dear friend . . . I don’t know how to begin, so that it doesn’t sound so heartless . . . Nikolasha, I’m embarrassed, I’m blushing, my tongue’s twisted, but, dear boy, put yourself in my place, bear in mind that I’m a man under orders, a flunky, a doormat . . . Do forgive me . . . Uneasy lies the head that fears a gown . . .44
IVANOV. What do you mean?
LEBEDEV. The wife sent me . . . Do me a favor, be a friend, pay her the interest! You wouldn’t believe how she’s nagged, worn me down, tortured the life out of me . . . Get her off your back, for heaven’s sake! . . .
IVANOV. Pasha, you know I haven’t got any money right now . . .
LEBEDEV. I know, I know, but what am I to do? She won’t wait. If she sues you for defaulting, how can Shurochka and I look you in the face again?
IVANOV. I’m embarrassed myself. Pasha, I’d be glad if the earth swallowed me up, but . . . but where am I get it? Teach me, where? The only thing left is to wait for autumn when I can sell the wheat . . .
LEBEDEV (shouts). She won’t wait!
Pause.
IVANOV. Your position is an unpleasant one, a delicate one, but mine’s even worse. (Walks and thinks.) And one can’t come up with anything . . . There’s nothing left to sell . . .