ZINAIDA SAVISHNA (delighted). Sweetheart, Marfa Yegorovna . . .
BABAKINA. How are you, Zinaida Savishna! I’m honored to congratulate you on your birthday girl . . .
They exchange kisses.
God bless . . .
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA. Thank you, sweetheart, I’m pleased to see you . . . Well, how are you feeling?
BABAKINA. Thanks ever so for asking. (Sits next to the sofa.) How are you, young people!
The GUESTS rise and how.
FIRST GUEST (laughs). Young people . . . Are you so old?
BABAKINA (sighing). What would we be doing among the youngsters?
FIRST GUEST (laughs respectfully). For heaven’s sake, how can you . . . You may be what’s called a widow, but you could give a nine-point handicap to any young woman.
GAVRILA serves Babakina from a teatray.
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA (to Gavrila). Why are you serving it like that? You should bring some preserves. Gooseberry or something . . .
BABAKINA. Don’t go to the trouble, thanks ever so . . .
Pause.
FIRST GUEST. Did you come by way of Mushkino, Marfa Yegorovna? . . .
BABAKINA. No, Zamishche. The road’s better there.
FIRST GUEST. True enough, ma’am.
KOSYKH. Two spades.
YEGORUSHKA. Pass.
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA. Pass.
SECOND GUEST. Pass.
BABAKINA. Lottery tickets, Zinaida Savishna sweetheart, have gone right through the roof again.[22] Have you ever heard of such a thing: the first drawing already costs two hundred and seventy, and the second well nigh two hundred and fifty . . . Never heard of anything like it . . .
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA (sighs). It’s all very well for those who’ve got a lot of them . . .
BABAKINA. Don’t you think so, sweetheart; they may cost a lot, but they make an unprofitable investment for your capital. The insurance alone will be the death of you.
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA. That’s so, but all the same, my dear, you go on hoping . . . (Sighs.) God is merciful . . .
THIRD GUEST. The way I see it, mesdames, I consider that at the present time it’s very unprofitable to have capital at all. Gilt-edged securities may earn very small dividends, but putting money in circulation is extremely risky. As I understand it, mesdames, the man who has capital at the present time is in a more precarious situation than the man who, mesdames . . .
BABAKINA (sighs). That’s so true!
The FIRST GUEST yawns.
How can a person yawn in the presence of ladies!
FIRST GUEST. Pardon, mesdames, it was an accident.
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA gets up and exits through the door at right; a prolonged silence.
YEGORUSHKA. Two diamonds.
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA. Pass.
SECOND GUEST. Pass.
KOSYKH. Pass.
BABAKINA (aside). Good Lord, it’s so boring, you could drop dead!
II
The same, ZINAIDA SAVISHNA, and LEBEDEV.
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA (entering from the door right with Lebedev, quietly). Why are you planted out there? What a prima donna! Sit with the guests. (Sits in her former place.)
LEBEDEV (yawns). Ugh, forgive us sinners! (On seeing Babakina.) Good Lord, our pot of jam is sitting here! Our Turkish delight! (Greets her.) How is your most precious little self?
BABAKINA. Thanks ever so.
LEBEDEV. Well, hallelujah! . . . Hallelujah! (Sits in an armchair.) Well, well . . . Gavrila!
GAVRILA serves him a shot of vodka and a glass of water. He drinks the vodka and chases it down with water.
FIRST GUEST. Your very good health! . . .
LEBEDEV. What do you mean, good health! . . . I haven’t croaked yet, and I’m thankful for that. (To his wife.) Zyuzyushka, where’s our birthday girl?
KOSYKH (tearfully). Tell me, for heaven’s sake: well, how come we didn’t take a single trick? (Leaps up.) Well, then why did we lose, damn it all to hell!
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA (leaps up, angrily). Because, my good man, if you don’t know how to play, don’t sit in. Since when are you entitled to lead somebody else’s suit? That’s how you got stuck with that pickled ace of yours!
They both run out from behind the table.
KOSYKH (in a tearful voice). If I may, my friends . . . I was holding diamonds: ace, king, queen, jack and eight low cards, ace of spades, and one, you understand, one lousy little heart, and she, for some damn reason, couldn’t call a little slam! . . . I bid no trumps . . .
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA (interrupting). I’m the one who bid no trumps! You bid: two no trumps . . .[23]
KOSYKH. This is a disgrace! . . . If I may . . . you had . . . I had . . . you had . . . (To Lebedev.) Now you be the judge, Pavel Kirillych . . . I was holding diamonds: ace, king, queen, jack, and eight low cards . . .
LEBEDEV (covers up his ears). Stop, do me a favor . . . stop . . .
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA (shouts). I was the one who bid: no trumps!
KOSYKH (fiercely). Call me a villain and an outcast if I ever sit down to play with that old barracuda again! (Quickly exits into the garden.)
The SECOND GUEST follows him out; YEGORUSHKA remains at the table.
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA. Oof! . . . He’s got me all overheated. . . . Stickleback! . . . Barracuda yourself!
BABAKINA. Well, now you’ve gone and lost your temper, Granny!
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA (on seeing Babakina, throws up her hands). My honey-bun, my beauty! . . . She’s here, and, blind as a biddy, I didn’t see her . . . Sweetie-pie . . . (Kisses her on the shoulder and sits beside her.) What a treat! Let me take a good look at you, my snow-white swan! Poo, poo, poo . . . evil eye begone![24]
LEBEDEV. Well, now she’s wound up . . . You’d better find her a bridegroom . . .
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA. And I will! I won’t go quiet to my grave, with all my sins on my head, until I get her married and your Sanichka too! I won’t go quiet . . . (Deep sigh.) Only there now, where are you to find bridegrooms nowadays? There they sit, these bridegrooms of ours, as crestfallen as drenched roosters! . . .