THIRD GUEST. An extremely feeble simile. The way I look at it, mesdames, if young people nowadays prefer a celibate life, the guilty party is, so to speak, social conditions . . .
LEBEDEV. Now, now! . . . no philosophizing! . . . I don’t care for it! . . .
III
The same and SASHA.
SASHA (enters and goes up to her father). Such splendid weather, and you’re sitting in here, ladies and gentlemen, in this stuffy air.
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA. Sashenka, don’t you see that Marfa Yegorovna is here?
SASHA. Sorry. (Goes to Babakina and greets her.)
BABAKINA. You’re getting to be quite standoffish, Sanichka, quite standoffish, haven’t paid me a single visit. (Exchanges kisses.) Congratulations, sweetheart . . .
SASHA. Thank you. (Sits next to her father.)
LEBEDEV. Yes, Avdotya Nazarovna, it’s hard to find bridegrooms nowadays. Not just bridegrooms—you can’t get a passable best man. The young people these days, no offense meant, have, God bless them, an off-taste, like leftovers reheated . . . Can’t dance or talk or have a serious drink with ‘em . . .
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA. Well, drinking’s one thing they know all about, just let ‘em at it . . .
LEBEDEV. There’s no great trick to drinking, even a horse knows how to drink . . . No, I’m talking serious drinking! . . . In our time, used to be, you’d get worn out at lectures all day long, and as soon as it was dark, you’d go straight to wherever a fire was blazing and spin like a top till dawn came up . . . And you’d dance, and flirt with the young ladies, and that took knowhow. (Flicks himself on the throat.)[25] Used to be, you’d blather and philosophize till your jaw came unhinged . . . But nowadays . . . (Waves his hand in dismissal.) I don’t understand . . . They’re wishy-washy, neither this nor that. In the whole district there’s only one decent fellow, and he’s married (sighs), and it looks like he’s starting to go crazy, too . . .
BABAKINA. Who’s that?
LEBEDEV. Nikolasha Ivanov.
BABAKINA. Yes, he’s a good man (makes a face), only so unhappy! . . .
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA. You said it, sweetheart, how can he be happy! (Sighs.) What a mistake he made, poor thing! He married his kike bitch[26] and figured, poor thing, that her father and mother would heap mountains of gold on her, but it came out quite the opposite . . . From the time she converted, her father and mother wouldn’t have anything to do with her, cursed her . . . Not a penny did he get out of them. He’s sorry for it now, but it’s too late . . .
SASHA. Mama, that’s not true.
BABAKINA (heatedly). Shurochka, why isn’t it true? After all, everybody knows it. If it weren’t for gain, why else would he marry a Jew girl? Aren’t there plenty of Russian girls? He miscalculated, sweetheart, miscalculated . . . (Vigorously.) Lord, and now doesn’t he make it hot for her! Simply laughable. He’ll come home from somewhere and right away he goes: “Your father and mother cheated me! Get out of my house!” And where can she go? Father and mother won’t take her in, she could become a housemaid, but she wasn’t brought up to work . . . So he rags on her and rags on her, until the Count stands up for her. If it weren’t for the Count, he would have done her in long ago . . .
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA. Besides that, sometimes he locks her up in the cellar with “Eat your garlic, you so-and-so” . . . She eats it and eats it, till she starts to stink from the inside out.
Laughter.
SASHA. Papa, that’s got to be another lie!
LEBEDEV. Well, so what? Let ‘em gossip if it keeps ‘em healthy . . . (Shouts.) Gavrila!
GAVRILA serves him vodka and water.
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA. So that’s why he’s ruined, poor thing. His business, sweetheart, has quite fallen off . . . If Borkin weren’t looking after the estate, there wouldn’t be anything for him and his kike bitch to eat. (Sighs.) As for us, sweetheart, the way we’ve suffered on account of him! . . . Suffered so much that only God can tell! Would you believe, my dear, for three years now, he’s owed us nine thousand!
BABAKINA (horrified). Nine thousand!
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA. Yes . . . It was that hubby dear of mine who arranged to lend it to him. He can’t tell the difference between someone you can lend to and someone you can’t. The principal I’ve given up on already, may it rest in peace, but I wish he’d pay the interest on time.
SASHA (heatedly). Mama, you’ve told us about this a thousand times already!
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA. What’s got into you? Why are you standing up for him?
SASHA (rises). But how can you have the heart to say such things about a man who never did you any harm? Why, what has he done to you?
THIRD GUEST. Aleksandra Pavlovna, if I may put in a word or two! I respect Nikolay Alekseich and always considered it an honor to know him, but, entre nous, he strikes me as a confidence trickster.
SASHA. Well, bully for you, if that’s how he strikes you.
THIRD GUEST. In evidence I proffer the following item, which was related to me by his attaché or, so to speak, cicerone2 Borkin. Two years ago, during the cattle epidemic, he bought livestock, insured them . . .
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA. Yes, yes, yes! I remember that incident. I’ve heard about it too.
THIRD GUEST. Insured them, mind you, then infected them with cow-pox and collected the insurance money.
SASHA. Ah, that’s all nonsense! Nonsense! Nobody bought cattle and infected them! Borkin himself concocted that scheme and bragged about it all over the place. When Ivanov found out about it, Borkin had to beg his forgiveness for two weeks running. Ivanov’s only fault is that he’s a soft touch and doesn’t have the heart to kick Borkin out, his fault is that he trusts people too much! Everything he had has been filched and pilfered from him; because of his generous projects anyone who wanted could make a fortune out ofhim.
LEBEDEV. Shura’s a hothead! That’ll do!
SASHA. Why do they talk such nonsense about him? Ah, all this is boring, so boring! Ivanov, Ivanov, Ivanov—there’s no other topic of conversation. (Goes to the door and returns.) I’m amazed. (To the young people.) I am truly amazed at your patience, gentlemen! Aren’t you bored just sitting here this way? The very air is condensing with ennui! Say something, entertain the young ladies, show signs of life! Well, if all you can talk about is Ivanov, then laugh, sing, dance, something . . .
LEBEDEV (laughs). Tell ‘em off, tell ‘em off good and proper.
SASHA. Well, listen, just do me this favor! If you don’t want to talk, laugh, sing, if that’s all a bore, I beg you, I implore you, at least once in your life, out of curiosity, just as a surprise or a practical joke, gather your strength and suddenly think up something witty, brilliant, at least say something outrageous or obscene, so long as it’s funny and original! Or suddenly come up with something infinitesmal, barely perceptible, but the tiniest bit like an achievement, so that the ladies, at least once in their lives, might look at you and go “Aah!” Listen, you want to please the ladies, don’t you, then why don’t you make an effort to please them? Ah, gentlemen! You’re all wrong, wrong, wrong! . . . One look at you and the flies drop dead and the lamps go black with soot. Wrong, wrong! . . . I’ve told you a thousand times and I’ll go on telling you, that you’re all wrong, wrong, wrong! . . .