IV
The same, IVANOV, and SHABELSKY.
SHABELSKY (entering with Ivanov from the door at right). Who’s speechifying around here? You, Shurochka! (Roars with laughter and shakes her hand.) Congratulations, my angel, may God postpone your death and make sure you’re not reincarnated . . .
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA (gleefully). Nikolay Alekseevich, Count! . . .
LEBEDEV. Bah! Who do I see . . . Count! (Goes to meet him.)
SHABELSKY (on seeing Zinaida Savishna and Babakina, extends his arms in their direction). Two gold-mines on one sofa! A sight for sore eyes! (Greets them; to Zinaida Savishna.) How are you, Zyuzyushka! (To Babakina.) How are you, my little puff-ball! . . .
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA. I’m so pleased. You’re such an infrequent guest here, Count! (Shouts.) Gavrila, tea! Please, take a seat! (Gets up, exits through the door right and immediately returns, with an extremely preoccupied look.)
SASHA sits in her former seat. IVANOV silently exchanges greetings with everyone.
LEBEDEV (to Shabelsky). Where’ve you turned up from out of the blue? What wild horses have dragged you here? This is a surprise, or I’ll be damned . . . (Kisses him.) Count, you’re a real cutthroat! Respectable people don’t behave this way! (Takes him by the arm down to the footlights.) Why haven’t you visited us? Angry or something?
SHABELSKY. How am I supposed to visit you? Flying on a broomstick? I haven’t got horses of my own, and Nikolay won’t take me with him, makes me stay with Sarra so she won’t get bored. Send your own horses for me, and then I’ll pay you a visit . . .
LEBEDEV (waves his hand in dismissal). Oh sure! . . . Zyuzyushka would rather drop dead than use the horses. Old pal, dear man, you really are dearer and sweeter to me than all the rest of them! Of all the old-timers, you and I are the only ones left! “In you I love my bygone suff’rings, In you I love my wasted youth.”[28] Joking aside, I could almost weep. (Kisses the Count.)
SHABELSKY. Cut it out, cut it out! You smell like a wine cellar . . .
LEBEDEV. Dear heart, you can’t imagine how bored I am without my friends! Ready to hang myself from tedium . . . (Quietly.) Zyuzyushka and her money-lending have driven away all the respectable people, there’s only Zulus left . . . these Dudkins,3 Budkins . . . Here, have some tea.
GAVRILA serves the Count tea.
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA (worried, to Gavrila). Well, how are you serving it? You should bring some preserves . . . Gooseberry or something . . .
SHABELSKY (roars with laughter; to Ivanov). There, didn’t I tell you? (to Lebedev.) I made a bet with him on the way that, as soon as we got here, Zyuzyushka would immediately offer us gooseberry preserves . . .
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA. Count, you’re still the same scoffer . . . (Sits.)
LEBEDEV. Twenty kegs they made of it, how else can you get rid of the stuff?
SHABELSKY (sitting beside the table). Still saving up, Zyuzyushka? Well now, are you a millionaire yet, eh?
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA (with a sigh). Yes, if you judge by appearances, nobody’s richer than we are, but where’s the money coming from? Nothing but talk . . .
SHABELSKY. Well, yes, yes! . . . we know! . . . “We know how badly you play checkers”[29] . . . (to Lebedev.) Pasha, tell me on your honor, have you saved up a million?
LEBEDEV. For heaven’s sake, I don’t know. You’d better ask Zyuzyushka . . .
SHABELSKY (to Babakina). And my pudgy little puff-ball is soon going to have a little million! Good grief, she’s getting prettier and plumper not by the day, but by the hour! That’s what it means to have lots of dough . . .
BABAKINA. Thanks ever so, your highness, only I don’t like being made fun of.
SHABELSKY. My dearest gold-mine, how am I making fun of you? It’s simply a cry from the heart, a spontaneous overflow of feelings that finds issue at my lips . . . I love you and Zyuzyushka infinitely . . . (Merrily.) Excitement! . . . Ecstasy! I can’t gaze on either one of you indifferently . . .
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA. You’re just the same as ever. (To Yegorushka.) Yego-rushka, put out the candles! Why do you let them burn for no reason, if you’re not playing?
YEGORUSHKA is startled; puts out the candles and sits down.
(To Ivanov.) Nikolay Alekseevich, how is your lady wife getting on?
IVANOV. Badly. Today the doctor definitely confirmed that she has tuberculosis . . .
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA. You don’t say so? What a pity! . . . (Sighs.) We’re all so fond of her.
SHABELSKY. Hogwash! . . . It’s not tuberculosis, just medical quackery, hocus-pocus. Æsculapius[30] wants to hang around, so he comes up with tuberculosis. Luckily the husband’s not the jealous type. (IVANOV makes a gesture of impatience.) As for Sarra herself, I don’t trust a single one of her words or movements. In my whole life I’ve never trusted doctor or lawyers or women. Hogwash, quackery, and hocus-pocus!
LEBEDEV (to Shabelsky). You’re an incredible character, Matvey! . . . You put on this misanthrope act and show it off like a retarded kid with a new toy. You’re as human as anyone else, but once you start talking, it’s as if your tongue were spewing poison or you had a hacking cough . . . Yes, honest to God!
SHABELSKY. What am I supposed to do, be lovey-dovey with swindlers and scoundrels, I suppose?
LEBEDEV. Just where do you see swindlers and scoundrels?
SHABELSKY. Present company excepted, of course, but . . .
LEBEDEV. There’s that “but” of yours . . . This is all an act.
SHABELSKY. An act . . . You’re lucky you don’t have any sort of world view.
LEBEDEV. Why should I have a world view? I sit, expecting to drop dead any minute. That’s my world view. You and I, my boy, haven’t got time to concoct world views. That’s how it goes . . . (Shouts.) Gavrila!
SHABELSKY. You’ve Gavrila-ed it up enough already . . . Look how red your nose has got! . . .
LEBEDEV (drinks). Never mind, dear heart . . . I’m not going to get married today.
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA. It’s been a long time since Dr. Lvov paid us a call. He’s quite forgotten us.
SASHA. My pet peeve. A sense of decency on two legs. He can’t ask for some water or smoke a cigarette without showing off his exceptional decency. Walking or talking, it’s tattooed on his forehead: I am a decent person! It’s boring to have him around.