SASHA. Nikolay Alekseevich, I understand you. You’re unhappy because you’re lonely. You need someone close to you to love you and understand you. Only love can reinvigorate you.
IVANOV. Well, is that so, Shurochka! All we need is for an old dead duck like me to embark on a new love affair! God keep me from such a disaster! No, Miss Know-it-all, it’s got nothing to do with love affairs. I tell you, as God is my judge, I’ll put up with all of it: the tedium and neurosis and penni-lessness and loss of my wife and premature old age and loneliness, but what I will not put up with, will not endure is making a mockery of myself. I am dying of shame to think that I, a strong, healthy man, have turned into a Hamlet or a Manfred,10 or a pointless person . . . what the hell is going on! Some pathetic types are flattered when you call them Hamlets or pointless, but for me it’s a disgrace. It wounds my pride, shame overwhelms me, and I suffer . . .
SASHA (joking, through tears). Nikolay Alekseevich, run away with me to America.
IVANOV. I feel too listless to cross that threshold, and you come up with America . . . (They walk to the entry to the garden.) Actually, Shura, it must be hard for you to go on living here! When I look at the people around you, it terrifies me: which of them will you marry? The only hope is for some passing lieutenant or university student to abduct you and elope . . .
VII
The same and ZINAIDA SAVISHNA.
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA comes out of the door at left with a jar of preserves.
IVANOV. Sorry, Shurochka, I’ll catch up with you . . .
SASHA exits into the garden.
Zinaida Savishna, forgive me, I’ve come here with a request . . .
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA. What’s the matter, Nikolay Alekseevich?
IVANOV (hesitates). The fact is, you see, the day after tomorrow is the date my note falls due. I’d be very much obliged if you could offer an extension or let me add the interest to the principal. At the moment I have absolutely no money . . .
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA (alarmed). Nikolay Alekseevich, how can this be? What kind of a system is this? No, don’t even think of such a thing, for heaven’s sake, don’t torment an unhappy woman like me . . .
IVANOV. Sorry, sorry . . . (Goes into the garden.)
ZINAIDA SAVISHNA. Pooh, good heavens, how he upset me! . . . I’m trembling all over . . . trembling . . . (Goes out the door at right.)
VIII
KOSYKH.
KOSYKH (enters at the door left and crosses the stage). I was holding spades: ace, king, queen, jack, eight low spades, ace, and one . . . one puny little heart and she, damn her to hell, can’t call one little slam! (Exits through door at right.)
IX
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA and FIRST GUEST
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA (enters from the garden with First Guest). How I’d like to tear her to shreds, the tightwad . . . how I’d like to tear her to shreds! Is this a joke, I’m sitting here from five o’clock, she could at least offer me a little rusty herring . . . What a house! . . . What entertainment! . . .
FIRST GUEST. It’s so boring, you could simply bang your head against the wall! What people, God have mercy! . . . The boredom and hunger could make you howl like a wolf and start gnawing on people . . .
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA. How I could tear her to shreds, sinner that I am!
FIRST GUEST. I’ll have a drink, old girl, and then — off home! And I don’t need any of your brides. How the hell can a man think of love if he hasn’t had a nip since lunch?
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA. We’ll go, have a look around, or something . . .
FIRST GUEST. Ssh! . . . Nice and quiet! I think there’s some schnapps in the dining room, in the sideboard. We’ll worm it out of Yegorushka . . . Ssh!
They go out through the door at left.
X
ANNA PETROVNA and LVOV (enter through the door at right.)
ANNA PETROVNA. Never mind, they’ll be delighted. Nobody here. They must be in the garden.
LVOV. Now, why, I ask you, did you bring me here to these vultures? It’s no place for you and me. Decent people shouldn’t have anything to do with such surroundings!
ANNA PETROVNA. Listen, Mr. Decent Person! It isn’t nice to escort a lady and the whole way talk about nothing but your decency! It may be decent but, to put it mildly, it’s boring. Never talk to women about your own virtues. Let them find them out for themselves. My Nikolay, when he was your age, did nothing but sing songs and tell shaggy dog stories when women were around, and yet they all knew what sort of a man he was.
LVOV. Oh, don’t talk to me about your Nikolay, I understand him only too well!
ANNA PETROVNA. You’re a good man, but you don’t understand a thing. Let’s go into the garden. He never made comments like: “I’m a decent person! I’m stifling in these surroundings! Vultures! An owl’s nest! Crocodiles!” He left the menagerie alone, and when he did occasionally get upset, the only thing I’d hear from him would be: “Ah, how unjust I was today!” or “Anyuta, I feel sorry for that fellow!” That’s how he used to be, but you . . .
They go out.
XI
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA and FIRST GUEST.
FIRST GUEST (entering from the door at left). It’s not in the dining room, so I bet it’s somewhere in the pantry. We’ve got to worm it out of Yegorushka. Let’s go through the drawing-room.
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA. How I’d like to tear her to shreds! . . .
They go out through the door at right.
XII
BABAKINA, BORKIN, and SHABELSKY.
BABAKINA and BORKIN run in from the garden, laughing; behind them, laughing and rubbing his hands, minces SHABELSKY.
BABAKINA. Such boredom! (Roars with laughter.) Such boredom! They all walk and sit around as if they’d swallowed a poker! All my bones are numb with boredom. (Skips about.) Have to limber up!
BORKIN takes her round the waist and kisses her on the cheek.
SHABELSKY (roars with laughter and snaps his fingers). I’ll be damned! (Wheezes.) In a manner of speaking . . .
BABAKINA. Let go, take your hands away, you shameless creature, or else God knows what the Count will think! Leave me alone!
BORKIN. Love of my life, red carbuncle of my heart! . . . (Kisses her.) Lend me two thousand three hundred rubles! . . .