LEBEDEV. Marry? . . . How old are you?
SHABELSKY. Sixty-two.
LEBEDEV. Just the age for getting married. And Marfutka’s the ideal mate for you.
BORKIN. It’s got nothing to do with Marfutka, but with Marfutka’s coin of the realm.
LEBEDEV. Which is what you’re after: Marfutka’s coin of the realm . . . You want some green cheese from the moon as well?
BORKIN. As soon as the man’s married, he’ll line his poches,[40] then you’ll see green cheese. You’ll be drooling for it.
SHABELSKY. Bless my soul, he’s really serious. This genius is convinced that I’m obeying his orders and getting married . . .
BORKIN. How else? Didn’t you already agree to it?
SHABELSKY. You’re out of your mind . . . When did I agree to it? Pss . . .
BORKIN. Thank you . . . Thank you very much! So this means you’re going to let me down? One minute he’s getting married, the next he’s not . . . who the hell can tell the difference, and I’ve already given my word of honor! So you’re not getting married?
SHABELSKY (shrugs his shoulders). He’s serious . . . A wonderful fellow!
BORKIN (exasperated). In that case, what was the point of getting a respectable woman all hot and bothered? She’s frantic to be a countess, can’t sleep, can’t eat. . . . Is that a laughing matter? . . . Is that the decent thing to do?
SHABELSKY (snaps his fingers). What then, what if I actually do commit this dirty deed all by myself? Eh? For spite? I’ll go and commit the dirty deed. Word of honor . . . Might be fun!
Enter LVOV.
II
The same and LVOV.
LEBEDEV. Our regards to Æsculapius . . . (Gives Lvov his hand and sings.) “Doctor, save me, my dear fellow, thoughts of death turn me quite yellow . . .”[41-
LVOV. Nikolay Alekseevich still isn’t here?
LEBEDEV. Well, no, I’ve been waiting for him for over an hour.
LVOV impatiently paces up and down the stage.
Dear boy, how is Anna Petrovna?
LVOV. In a bad way.
LEBEDEV (sighs). May I go and convey my respects?
LVOV. No, please, don’t. I think she’s sleeping . . .
Pause.
LEBEDEV. An attractive woman, a splendid woman . . . (Sighs.) On Shu-rochka’s birthday, when she fainted at our place, I stared into her face and that’s when I realized that she hasn’t long to live, poor thing. I can’t understand why she took a turn for the worse just then. I run in, lo and behold: she’s white as a sheet, lying on the floor, Nikolasha is kneeling beside her, white as well, Shurochka’s all in tears. The whole of the next week, Shurochka and I went around in a daze.
SHABELSKY (to Lvov). Tell me, my respected apostle of science, which scientist discovered that the most salutary thing for chest ailments is private visits from a young physician? It’s a great discovery! Truly great! How would you classify it: as allopathy or homeopathy?[42]
LVOV is about to reply, but makes a scornful gesture and exits.
If looks could kill. . . .
LEBEDEV. You’re giving your tongue a workout! Why did you insult him?
SHABELSKY (irritated). And why does he lie to me? Tuberculosis, no hope, she’s dying . . . He’s lying! I can’t stand it!
LEBEDEV. What makes you think he’s lying?
SHABELSKY (rises and walks around). I cannot abide the thought that a living human being suddenly, for no reason at all, can up and die. Let’s change the subject!
III
LEBEDEV, SHABELSKY, BORKIN, and KOSYKH.
KOSYKH (runs in, panting). Is Nikolay Alekseevich at home? Good afternoon! (Quickly shakes everyone’s hand.) At home?
BORKIN. He is not.
KOSYKH (sits and jumps up). In that case, good-bye! (Drinks a glass of vodka and has a quick bite.) I’ll move on . . . Business . . . I’m exhausted . . . I can barely stand on my feet . . .
LEBEDEV. What wind has blown you here?
KOSYKH. I’ve been at Barabanov’s. We were playing whist all night long and only just finished . . . I lost every last thing . . . That Barabanov plays like a shoemaker! (In a tearful voice.) Just you listen: I was holding hearts the whole time . . . (Turns to Borkin, who jumps away from him.) He leads diamonds, I go hearts again, he goes diamonds . . . Well, not one trick. (To Lebedev.) We try to take four clubs. I’ve got an ace, queen, and four more clubs, ace, ten, and three more spades . . .
LEBEDEV (covers his ears). Spare me, spare me, for Christ’s sake, spare me!
KOSYKH (to the Count). You know what I mean: ace, queen, and four more clubs, ace, ten, three more spades . . .
SHABELSKY (pushing him away with his hands). Go away, I don’t want to hear it!
KOSYKH. And suddenly, of all the bad luck: the ace of spades was trumped first round.
SHABELSKY (grabs a revolver off the desk). Get out of here or I’ll shoot!
KOSYKH (waves his hand in dismissal). What the hell . . . Can’t a man even talk to people? It’s like living in Australia: no common interests, no solidarity . . . Every man lives on his own . . . Anyway, I’ve got to go . . . it’s time. (Takes his cap.) Time is money . . . (Gives Lebedev his hand.) Pass! . . .
Laughter.
KOSYKH leaves and bumps into Avdotya Nazarovna in the doorway.
IV
SHABELSKY, LEBEDEV, BORKIN, and AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA.
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA (cries out). Blast you, you’ve knocked me off my feet!
EVERYONE. Ah-ah-ah! . . . The unavoidable! . . .
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA. Here they are, I’ve been looking for them all over the house. Good afternoon, my fine feathered friends, greetings, greetings . . . (Greets them.)
LEBEDEV. What’s she doing here?
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA. Business, my good sir! (To the Count.) Business on your behalf, your grace. (Bows.) I was told to give you my regards and ask after your health . . . And she, my baby-doll, told me to say that if you don’t come this evening, she will cry her little eyes out. “So,” she says, “my dear, take him aside and whisper secretly in his ear.” But why secretly? We’re all friends here. And in a case like this, we’re not robbing the henhouse, it’s by law and by love, by mutual agreement. Never, for all my sins, do I touch a drop, but in a case like this I’ll have a drink!
LEBEDEV. And so will I. (Pours.) And you, you old crow, you’re still going strong. I’ve known you for well nigh thirty years and you’ve always been old . . .
AVDOTYA NAZAROVNA. I’ve lost count of the years . . . Two husbands I’ve buried, I would have taken a third, but nobody’ll have you without a dowry. Eight children I’ve had, more or less . . . (Takes a glass.) Well, God grant we’ve embarked on a successful venture, God grant it ends in success! May they live long and prosper, and may we behold them and rejoice! May they abide in harmony and love . . . (Drinks.) Pretty strong vodka!