ORLOVSKY. You’re a kindly man, you have a heart of gold, but your talk is so prolix and the way you wave your arms around . . .
FYODOR IVANOVICH comes out of the house; he is wearing a sleeveless overcoat of fine cloth and high boots; his chest is covered with decorations, medals, and a massive gold chain with pendants; expensive rings on his fingers.
IV
The same and FYODOR IVANOVICH.
FYODOR IVANOVICH. Greetings, lads!
ORLOVSKY (gleefully). Fedyusha my dear, sonny boy!
FYODOR IVANOVICH (to Zheltukhin). Happy birthday . . . grow up to be big and strong . . . (Exchanges greetings with everyone.) Progenitor! Waffles, greetings! I wish you a hearty appetite, and good digestion.
ZHELTUKHIN. Where had you got to? You shouldn’t be so late.
FYODOR IVANOVICH. It’s hot! Got to have some vodka.
ORLOVSKY (admiring him). My dear boy, that’s a magnificent beard you’ve got . . . Gentlemen, isn’t he a beauty? Look him over: is that a beauty?
FYODOR IVANOVICH. Here’s to the birthday boy! (Drinks.) The Sere-bryakovs aren’t here?
ZHELTUKHIN. They didn’t come.
FYODOR IVANOVICH. Hm . . . And where’s Yulya?
ZHELTUKHIN. I don’t know what’s holding her up in there. It’s time to bring in the meat pie. I’ll call her right away. (Exits.)
ORLOVSKY. Our Lyonechka, the birthday boy, is a bit out of sorts today. Sulky.
VOINITSKY. He’s just a swine.
ORLOVSKY. His nerves are on edge, there’s nothing you can do about it . . .
VOINITSKY. Too much vanity, hence the nerves. If he were standing here and you said that this herring is good, he would immediately take offense: why didn’t you praise him. Pretty much a waste of time and space. But here he comes.
Enter YULYA and ZHELTUKHIN.
V
The same, ZHELTUKHIN, and YULYA.
YULYA. Good afternoon, Fedenka! (Exchanges kisses with Fyodor Ivanovich.) Have a bite, my dear . . . (To Ivan Ivanovich.) Look, godfather, here’s the gift I gave Lyonechka today! (Displays a little shoe to be used as a watch stand.)
ORLOVSKY. My darlin’, my little girl, a tiny shoe! That’s quite something . . .
YULYA. The gold thread alone cost eight and a half rubles. Look at the edging: tiny little pearls, tiny little pearls, tiny little pearls . . . And these are letters: Leonid Zheltukhin. And here in silk thread: “A gift to the one I love . . .”
DYADIN. Please let me have a look at it! Fascinating!
FYODOR IVANOVICH. Drop it . . . that’s enough of that! Yulya, have them serve the champagne!
YULYA. Fedenka, that’s for tonight!
FYODOR IVANOVICH. Well, why wait—for tonight! Bring it now! Or else I’m leaving. Word of honor, I’m leaving. Where do you keep it? I’ll go get it myself.
YULYA. You’re always interfering with my housekeeping, Fedya. (To Vasily.) Vasily, here’s the key! The champagne’s in the storeroom, you know, in the corner by the sack of raisins, in a basket. Only see to it you don’t break anything.
FYODOR IVANOVICH. Vasily, three bottles!
YULYA. They’ll never make a good manager out of you, Fedenka . . . (Serves everyone pie.) Have some more, gentlemen . . . Dinner won’t be for a while yet, not until half-past five . . . They’ll never make anything of you, Fedenka . . . You’re incorrigible.
FYODOR IVANOVICH. Look, she’s taken up lecturing!
VOINITSKY. I think someone just drove up . . . Did you hear?
ZHELTUKHIN. Yes . . . It’s the Serebryakovs . . . At last!
VASILY. The Serebryakov family has arrived!
YULYA (críes out). Sonechka! (Runs out.)
VOINITSKY (sings). Let’s go and meet them, let’s go and meet them . . . (Exits.)
FYODOR IVANOVICH. Look at the way they’re rejoicing!
ZHELTUKHIN. The tactlessness of some people! He’s sleeping with the professor’s lady and can’t conceal it.
FYODOR IVANOVICH. Who is?
ZHELTUKHIN. That Georges. The way he lavished praise on her just now, before you came, was practically indecent.
FYODOR IVANOVICH. How do you know he’s sleeping with her?
ZHELTUKHIN. You think I’m blind? . . . Besides, it’s the talk of the whole district . . .
FYODOR IVANOVICH. Nonsense. So far nobody is sleeping with her, but I soon shall soon be . . . Understand? I shall!
VI
The same; SEREBRYAKOV, MARIYA VASILYEVNA, VOINITSKY arm in arm with YELENA ANDREEVNA, SONYA, and YULYA enter.
YULYA (kissing Sonya). My dearest! My dearest!
ORLOVSKY (going to meet them). Sasha, greetings, my dear fellow, greetings, my boy! (Exchanges kisses with the Professor.) Are you well? Shall we thank God?
SEREBRYAKOV. How about you, neighbor? You’re the same as ever—bravely done! Most pleased to see you. Been here long?
ORLOVSKY. Got here on Friday. (To MarIya Vasilyevna.) Marya Vasilyevna! How are you getting on, Your Excellency? (Kisses her hand.)
MARIYA VASILYEVNA. My dear . . . (Kisses him on the head.)
SONYA. Godfather dear!
ORLOVSKY. Sonechka, dear heart! (Kisses her.) My little dove, my little canary . . .
SONYA. Your face is just as kind, sentimental, sweet as ever . . .
ORLOVSKY. And you’ve got taller and prettier and all grown up, dear heart. . .
SONYA. Well, how are you, generally speaking? Are you well?
ORLOVSKY. Frightfully well!
SONYA. Good for you, godfather! (To Fyodor Ivanovich.) And I was ignoring the elephant in the room.10 (Exchanges kisses with him.) Sunburned, bristly . . . a regular spider!
YULYA. Dearest!
ORLOVSKY (to Serebryakov). How’s life treating you, neighbor?
SEREBRYAKOV. All right . . . And you?
ORLOVSKY. What could be wrong with me? I’m living it up! I turned my estate over to my son, married off my daughters to good people, and now I’m the freest man going. I know how to have a good time!
DYADIN (to Serebryakov). Your Excellency, you chose to be a bit late. The temperature of the pie has gone down considerably. May I introduce myself: Ilya Ilyich Dyadin, or, as some people very wittily express it on account of my pockmarked face, Waffles.
SEREBRYAKOV. Pleased to meet you.
DYADIN. Madame! Mademoiselle! (Bows to Yelena Andreevna and Sonya). These are all friends of mine, Your Excellency. Once I possessed a large fortune, but owing to domestic vicissitudes, or, as the expression goes in intellectual circles, for reasons over which the editor has no control, I had to relinquish my share to my brother, who, on a certain unhappy occasion, was short seventy thousand rubles of government money. My profession is the exploitation of the tempestuous elements. I make the stormy waves turn the wheel of a mill, which I rent from my friend the Wood Goblin.