YELENA ANDREEVNA. Good afternoon, Yulechka. Excuse me, I’m not very fond of kissing. Sonya, what is your father doing?
Pause.
Sonya, why don’t you answer me? I asked you: what is your father doing?
Pause.
Sonya, how come you won’t answer me?
SONYA. You want to know? Come over here please . . . (Leads her somewhat aside.) If you like, I’ll tell you . . . My heart feels too pure today for me to speak to you while I go on concealing things. Here, take this! (Hands her a letter. ) I found this in the garden. Yulechka, let’s go! (Exits with YULYA out the door at left. )
VII
YELENA ANDREEVNA, then FYODOR IVANOVICH.
YELENA ANDREEVNA (alone). What is this? A letter from Georges to me! Why is that my fault? Oh, how cruel, how brazen . . . Her heart is so pure that she cannot talk to me . . . My God, what an insult . . . My head is spinning, I’m going to faint . . .
FYODOR IVANOVICH (enters through the door at left and walks across the stage). Why do you always act startled whenever you see me?
Pause.
Hm . . . (Takes the letter from her hands and tears it to shreds.) Forget about it. You must think only of me.
YELENA ANDREEVNA. What’s the meaning of this?
FYODOR IVANOVICH. The meaning is that once I’ve made up my mind about a woman, she won’t get out of my clutches.
YELENA ANDREEVNA. No, the meaning is that you’re idiotic and impertinent.
FYODOR IVANOVICH. At seven-thirty this evening you must be at the bottom of the garden by the little bridge, waiting for me . . . Well, ma’am? That’s all I have to say to you . . . And so, angel mine, until seven-thirty. (Wants to take her by the hand.)
YELENA ANDREEVNA slaps his face.
Forcefully expressed . . .
YELENA ANDREEVNA. Get out of here!
FYODOR IVANOVICH. At your service, ma’am . . . (Goes and returns.) I am touched . . . Let us reason together calmly. You see . . . I’ve experienced everything in this world, I’ve even eaten goldfish soup a couple of times . . . But I haven’t yet gone up in a balloon or even once run off with the wives of learned professors . . .
YELENA ANDREEVNA. Get out . . .
FYODOR IVANOVICH. I’ll go in a minute . . . I’ve experienced everything . . . And that’s made me so impertinent, that I simply don’t know what to do with myself. I mean I’m telling you all of this so that if you ever need a friend or a faithful dog, then call on me . . . I’m touched . . .
YELENA ANDREEVNA. I don’t need any dogs . . . Get out.
FYODOR IVANOVICH. At your service . . . (Deeply moved.) Nevertheless, and all the same, I’m touched . . . I am definitely touched . . . Yes . . . (Hesitantly exits.)
YELENA ANDREEVNA (alone). My head is splitting . . . Every night I have bad dreams and a premonition of something horrible . . . Yet how despicable this is! These young people were born and raised together, they’re on a first-name basis with each another, they’re always kissing: they should live in peace and harmony, but they look as if they’re about to sink their teeth into one another . . . The Wood Goblin is saving the forests, but who is there to save the people? (Goes to the door at left, but, on seeing ZHELTUKHIN and YULYA coming to meet her, exits through the central door.)
VIII
ZHELTUKHIN and YULYA.
YULYA. How unlucky we are, Lyonechka, ah, how unlucky!
ZHELTUKHIN. Who gave you permission to talk to her about me? A freelance matchmaker, you unspeakable female! You’ve spoiled it all for me! She’ll think that I don’t know how to speak for myself, and . . . and it’s so lower-class! I’ve said a thousand times that we should leave it alone. Nothing but humiliation and all this innuendo, bad behavior, vulgarity . . . The old man has probably figured out that I’m in love with her, and is already taking advantage of my feelings! He wants me to buy this estate from him.
YULYA. How much is he asking?
ZHELTUKHIN. Ssh! . . . Someone’s coming . . .
Enter from the door at left SEREBRYAKOV, ORLOVSKY, and MARIYA VASILYEVNA, who is reading a pamphlet along the way.
IX
The same, SEREBRYAKOV, ORLOVSKY, and MAYA VASILYEVNA.
ORLOVSKY. I’m not in the best of health either, my dear boy. Why, for two days now my head’s been aching and my whole body tingles . . .
SEREBRYAKOV. Where are the others? I do not like this house. Just like a labyrinth. Twenty-six enormous rooms, everyone scatters, and you can never find anyone. (Rings.) Request Yegor Petrovich and Yelena Andreevna to come here!
ZHELTUKHIN. Yulya, you’ve got nothing to do, go and find Yegor Petrovich and Yelena Andreevna.
YULYA exits.
SEREBRYAKOV. Ill health one might be reconciled to, if the worse came to the worst, but what I cannot stomach is my state of mind at present. I have the feeling that I’m already dead or have dropped off the earth on to some alien planet.
ORLOVSKY. It depends on how you look at it . . .
MARIYA VASILYEVNA (reading). Give me a pencil . . . Another contradiction! I have to jot it down.
ORLOVSKY. Please take this one, Your Excellency! (Hands her a pencil and kisses her hand.)
Enter VOINITSKY.
X
The same, VOINITSKY, then YELENA ANDREEVNA.
VOINITSKY. You’re asking for me?
SEREBRYAKOV. Yes, Georges.
VOINITSKY. What do you want from me, sir?36
SEREBRYAKOV. Sir? . . . Why are you getting angry?
Pause.
If I’ve offended you in any way, then please forgive me . . .
VOINITSKY. Drop that tone . . . Let’s get down to business . . . What do you want?
Enter YELENA ANDREEVNA.
SEREBRYAKOV. And here’s Lenochka . . . Please take your seats, ladies and gentlemen.
Pause.
I have invited you here, my friends, to inform you that we are about to be visited by an Inspector General.37 However, joking aside. The matter is a serious one. Ladies and gentlemen, I have convened you in order to solicit your aid and advice and, knowing your customary civility, I trust to receive them. I am a man of learning, a bookworm, and have ever been a stranger to practical life. I cannot do without the counsel of informed individuals, and so I ask you, Ivan Ivanych, and you, Leonid Stepanych, and you, Georges . . . What it comes down to is manet omnes una nox,38 that is, we are all mortal in the sight of God; I am old, ill and therefore deem it appropriate to regulate my material concerns insofar as they relate to my family. My life is over now, it’s not myself I’m thinking of, but I have a young wife, an unmarried daughter . . . To go on living in the country I find impossible.
YELENA ANDREEVNA. It’s all the same to me.