ORLOVSKY. What for?
ZHELTUKHIN. What for?
If wisdom and virtue’s seeds you sow
The Russian people are bound to show
Always their heartfelt thanks.
ORLOVSKY. Well, look at that! Dear boy, you don’t suppose I built the school? That was my daughter.
page 593 / Replace: I’m even trembling . . . anybody who cheats on a wife or husband
with: I’m even trembling . . . (Gets up.) I don’t possess the gift of eloquence and talent, but allow me to speak my conscience without high-flown phrases. A spouse may be young, beautiful, let’s assume, but, gentlemen, youth and beauty will pass, while duty remains for all eternity. Anybody who cheats on a wife or husband —
page 593 / After: you wave your arms around . . . —
DYADIN. Hm . . . I’m sorry, sir! Gentlemen, let me ask your pardon for my outward appearance!
VOINITSKY. Now you’re getting angry. What a crank! Speak Russian and not Chinese, and then we won’t laugh at you.
page 594 / After: Greetings, lads! — (in a different voice.) Your healt’ we wish vla . . . vla . . .vla
page 594 / Before: It’s hot! — (Sits down.)
page 595 / Replace: Scenes V, VI, and VII with:
V
The same, ZHELTUKHIN, and YULYA.
VOINITSKY. So, Ivan Ivanovich, you say that you like the Wood Goblin a lot. Yes, I agree, he’s a fine, sympathetic individual.
YULYA. Greetings, Fedenka! (Exchanges kisses.)
FYODOR IVANOVICH. Greetings to the birthday boy.
VOINITSKY. I really, really like that Wood Goblin. Such a far-seeing, open mind . . .
ZHELTUKHIN. Misha Khrushchov? Oh sure! Upright, honorable, quite the convivial chap. But do you know . . . he’s a friend of mine, I’m very fond of him, but there are moments when I can’t stomach him. There’s something about him . . . I cannot put it into words, but something rather repellent. Pay close attention when he’s standing near you in profile, there’s a certain strange expression on his face . . . a blend of satyr and Mephistopheles. In short, you’ll understand what I mean.
VOINITSKY. I do understand.
YULYA. Look, godfather, here’s the gift I gave Lyonechka today! (Displays a little shoe to serve as a watch stand.)
ORLOVSKY. My darlin’, my little girl, a tiny shoe! That’s quite something . . .
YULYA. The gold thread alone cost eight and a half rubles. Look at the edging: tiny little pearls, tiny little pearls, tiny little pearls . . . And these are letters: Leonid Zheltukhin. And here in silk: “A gift to the one I love . . .”
DYADIN. Please let me have a look at it! Fascinating! A person endowed with a rich imagination might fancy that you stole this tiny shoe from the foot of an airy fairy.
FYODOR IVANOVICH. Drop it . . . that’s enough of that! Yulya, have them serve champagne!
YULYA. Fedenka, that’s for tonight!
FYODOR IVANOVICH. Well, why wait—for tonight! Bring it now! Or else I’m leaving. Word of honor, I’m leaving. Where do you keep it? I’ll go get it myself.
YULYA. You’re always making a mess of the housekeeping, Fedya. (To Vasily.) Vasily, here’s the key! The champagne’s in the storeroom, you know, in the corner by the sack of raisins, in a basket. Only make sure you don’t break anything.
FYODOR IVANOVICH. Vasily, three bottles!
YULYA. They’ll never make a good housekeeper out of you, Fedenka . . . You always make a mess. (Serves everyone pie.) There’s chicken to come, carp and artichokes. Have some more, gentlemen . . . Dinner won’t be for a while yet, not until six . . .
VOINITSKY. I think someone just drove up . . . Did you hear?
ZHELTUKHIN. Yes . . . It’s the Serebryakovs . . . Finally!
VASILY. The Serebryakov family has arrived!
YULYA (cries out). Sonichka! (Runs out.)
VOINITSKY (sings). Let’s go and meet them, let’s go and meet them . . . (Exits.)
FYODOR IVANOVICH. Look at the way they’re rejoicing!
ZHELTUKHIN. The way Georges is rejoicing in particular! The tactlessness of some people! He sleeps with the Professor’s lady and cannot hide it. The way he lavished praise on her just now, before you came, was practically indecent.
FYODOR IVANOVICH. How do you know he’s sleeping with her?
ZHELTUKHIN. It’s the talk of the whole district, my dear fellow . . .
FYODOR IVANOVICH. How about I go and stop your district’s gullet with this mustard-pot.
VI
The same, SEREBRYAKOV, MARIYA VASILYEVNA, VOINITSKY arm in arm with YELENA ANDREEVNA, SONYA, and YULYA (enter).
YULYA (kissing Sonya). My dearest! My dearest!
ORLOVSKY (going to meet them). Sasha, greetings, my dear fellow, greetings, my boy! (Exchanges kisses with the Professor.) Are you well? Shall we thank God?
SEREBRYAKOV. How about you, neighbor? You’re the same as ever, bravely done! Very pleased to see you. Been here long?
ORLOVSKY. Got here on Friday. Mariya Vasilyevna! How are you getting on, Your Excellency? (Kisses her hand.)
MARIYA VASILYEVNA. My dear . . . (Kisses him on the head.)
SONYA. Godfather dear!
ORLOVSKY. Sonechka! Dear heart! (Kisses her.) My little dove, my little canary . . .
SONYA. Your face is just as kind, sentimental, sweet as ever . . .
ORLOVSKY. And you’ve got taller and prettier and all grown up, dear heart . . .
SONYA. Well, how are you in general? Are you well?
ORLOVSKY. Frightfully well!
SONYA. Good for you, godfather! Ah, what a magnificent pie!
YULYA. Dearest!
FYODOR IVANOVICH (to Sonya). Aren’t you going to say hello to me? (Exchanges kisses with her.)
SONYA. And I didn’t even notice the elephant in the room. Sunburned, bristly . . . a regular spider! Fedya, if you care for me, quick, smear me some caviar.
ORLOVSKY (to Serebryakov). How are you getting on, neighbor? I expect you’re writing all the time?
SEREBRYAKOV. Yes, just a bit. That’s the routine I’m in: I work at my desk from morn to night. It’s a habit. How are you?
ORLOVSKY. What should be wrong with me? I’m alive! I turned my estate over to my son, married off my daughters to good people, and now I’m the freest man going. I know how to have a good time!
DYADIN (to Serebryakov). Your Excellency, you were pleased to be a bit late. The temperature of the pie has gone down considerably. May I introduce myself: Ilya Ilyich Dyadin, or, as some people very wittily express it on account of my pockmarked face, Waffles.
SEREBRYAKOV. Pleased to meet you.
DYADIN. Madame! Mademoiselle! (Bows to Yelena Andreevna and Sonya). Everyone here is a friend of mine, Your Excellency. Once I possessed a large fortune, but, owing to domestic vicissitudes, or, as the expression is in intellectual circles, for reasons over which the editor has no control, I had to give up my share to my own brother, who, on a certain unhappy occasion, was in arrears of seventy thousand rubles of government money. My profession: the exploitation of the tempestuous elements. Of my previous grandeur all that is left are my friends and a love of virtue. I make the stormy waves turn the wheel of a mill, which I rent from my friend the Wood Goblin.