THE CELEBRATION
IO·илeй
A Joke in One Act
CHARACTERS1
SHIPUCHIN, ANDREY ANDREEVICH, Chairman of the Board of the —— Mutual Credit Society, a middle-aged man, with a monocle
TATYANA ALEKSEEVNA, his wife, 25
KHIRIN, KUZMA NIKOLAEVICH, the bank’s bookkeeper, an old man
MERCHUTKINA, NASTASYA FYODOROVNA, an old woman in a baggy overcoat
SHAREHOLDERS OF THE BANK EMPLOYEES OF THE BANK
The action takes place at —— the Mutual Credit Bank.
The office of the Chairman of the Board. A door at left, leading to the bank’s boardroom. Two desks. Pretentious furnishings displaying refined taste: velvet armchairs, flowers, statues, carpets, a telephone.—Midday.
KHIRIN alone; he is wearing felt boots.2
KHIRIN (shouts through the door). Have the pharmacy send over fifteen kopeks’ worth of valerian drops3 and tell them to bring fresh water to the Chairman’s office! I have to tell you a hundred times! (Goes to the desk.) They’ll be the death of me with their tormenting. I’ve been writing for four days straight without a wink of sleep; from morning to night I’m here writing, and I’m home only from night to morning. (Coughs.) And on top of that there’s an inflammation running through my whole body. Chills, fever, coughing jags, my legs ache and swimming before my eyes there’s something like . . . exclamation points. (Sits.) That fancy-pants of ours, that skunk, the Chairman of the Board, is going to make a speech to our general assembly today: “Our bank now and in the future.” A silver-tongued orator,4 take my word for it . . . (Writes.) Two . . . one . . . one . . . six . . . zero . . . seven . . . Then, six . . . zero . . . one . . . six . . . He wants to pull the wool over their eyes, while I sit here and slave for him like a convict! . . . All he’s put in this speech is hearts and flowers, not one hard figure, so I have to spend the livelong day clicking the abacus, damn his soul to hell! . . . (Clicks bead on the abacus.) I can’t stand it! (Writes.) Which means, one . . . three . . . seven . . . two . . . one . . . zero . . . He promised to reward my hard work. If everything comes off successfully today and he manages to hoodwink his audience, he’s promised me a gold medal and a bonus of three hundred . . . We shall see. (Writes.) Well, if my labors go unrewarded, pal, don’t be surprised if . . . I’ve got an explosive temper . . . Pal, when I fly off the handle, I’m liable to do something violent . . . Believe you me!
Offstage noise and applause. SHIPUCHIN’s voice: “Thank you! Thank you! I’m very moved!” Enter SHIPUCHIN. He is wearing white tie and tails; he is holding an album that has just been presented to him.
SHIPUCHIN (standing in the doorway and addressing the boardroom). This gift of yours, my dear co-workers, I shall cherish until my dying day as a memento of the happiest hours of my life! Yes, my dear sirs! I thank you once again! (Blows a kiss and goes to Khirin.) My dear fellow, my most respected Kuzma Nikolaich!
The whole time he is on stage employees occasionally come in with papers for him to sign and then leave.
KHIRIN (rising). I’m honored to congratulate you on the fifteenth anniversary of our bank and wish that . . .
SHIPUCHIN (shakes his hand energetically). Thank you, my dear man! Thank you! On this very special day, in view of the celebration, I propose that we exchange kisses! . . .
They exchange kisses.
Delighted, delighted! Thank you for your work . . . for everything, thanks for everything! If, during the time I have been Chairman of the Board of this bank, I have accomplished anything of use, I am first and foremost obliged to my co-workers. (Sighs.) Yes, dear fellow, fifteen years! Fifteen years, or my name’s not Shipuchin! (Brightly.) Well, how’s my speech coming? Any progress?
KHIRIN. Yes. There’s still about five pages to go.
SHIPUCHIN. That’s fine. In other words, it’ll be ready by three o’clock?
KHIRIN. If nobody gets in the way, I can finish it. There’s only a trifling amount left to do.
SHIPUCHIN. Splendid. Splendid, or my name’s not Shipuchin! The general assembly begins at four. Please, my dear fellow. Let me have the first half, I’ll give it a once-over . . . Let me have it now . . . (Takes the speech.) I invest enormous hopes in this speech . . . It is my profession de foi,5 or, to put it more clearly, my display of fireworks . . . Fireworks, or my name’s not Shipuchin! (Sits and reads the speech to himself.) I’m worn out, though, damnably worn out . . . Last night I had an attack of gout, all morning I’ve been hustling and bustling and running around, then this excitement, ovations, all this commotion . . . I’m worn out!
KHIRIN (writes). Two . . . zero . . . zero . . . three . . . nine . . . two . . . zero . . . The numbers are turning green before my eyes . . . Three . . . one . . . six . . . four . . . one . . . five . . . (Clicks the beads on the abacus.)
SHIPUCHIN. Something else unpleasant . . . This morning your wife came to me and complained about you again. She said that last night you chased her and your sister-in-law with a knife. Kuzma Nikolaich, what way is that to behave? Ay-ay!
KHIRIN (sternly). In view of the celebration, Andrey Andreich, may I make a request. Please, at least out of respect for my hard labor in this penitentiary, don’t get involved in my home life. Please don’t!
SHIPUCHIN (sighs). You have an impossible temper, Kuzma Nikolaich! You’re a splendid fellow, highly respectable, but with women you behave like some kind of Jack the Ripper.6 Honestly. What I don’t understand is why you hate them so much?
KHIRIN. And what I don’t understand is: why you love them so much?
Pause.
SHIPUCHIN. The employees just presented me with an album, and the shareholders of the bank, so I’ve heard, want to present me with a testimonial and a silver loving cup . . . (Toying with his monocle.) Lovely, or my name’s not Shipuchin! It’s not a meaningless gesture . . . To uphold the reputation of the bank one needs some pomp and circumstance, damn it! You’re part of the team, so of course you know what’s going on . . . I composed the testimonial myself, I also bought the silver loving cup myself . . . Why, the binder for the testimonial cost forty-five rubles, but you can’t do without it. It would never have crossed their minds. (Looks around.) What a set of furniture! What interior décor! They do say that I’m too fussy, that all I want is for the door knobs to be polished, the employees to wear tasteful neckties, yes, and for there to be a stately doorman at the entrance. Well, no, my good sirs. Doorknobs and a stately doorman are not mere baubles. A man may be as much of a slob as he likes at home, eat and sleep like a hog, take too much to drink . . .