SHIPUCHIN. If I may . . . (Takes her petition from her and reads it standing up.)
TATYANA ALEKSEEVNA (to Khirin). But I should begin at the beginning . . . Suddenly last week I got a letter from Mamma. She writes that my sister Katya was proposed to by a certain Grendilevsky. A good-looking, unpretentious young man, but without any means and no fixed occupation. And to make it worse, can you imagine, Katya was attracted to him. What was there to do? Mamma writes that I should come without delay and bring my influence to bear on Katya . . .
KHIRIN (severely). If you don’t mind, you’ve put me out! You —Mamma and Katya, and now I’m put out and totally confused.
TATYANA ALEKSEEVNA. As if it makes any difference! You listen when a lady’s talking to you! Why are you so touchy today? In love? (Laughs.)
SHIPUCHIN (to Merchutkina). If I may, though, what is this all about? I don’t understand . . .
TATYANA ALEKSEEVNA. In love? Aha? He’s blushing!
SHIPUCHIN (to his wife). Tanyusha, my dear, step into the boardroom for a minute. I’ll be there right away.
TATYANA ALEKSEEVNA. All right. (Exits.)
SHIPUCHIN. I don’t understand any of this. Apparently, madam, you have come to the wrong place. Your request has absolutely nothing to do with us. You should take care to apply to the department where your husband worked.
MERCHUTKINA. My good sir, I’ve already been to five different places, they won’t even accept my petition anywheres. I was losing my mind, but thanks to my son-in-law Boris Matveich, I got the bright idea to come to you. “Ma dear,” says he, “you appeal to Mister Shipuchin: he’s got pull, that gent can do anything . . .” Help me, Your Excellency!
SHIPUCHIN. Mrs. Merchutkina, we can do nothing for you. You understand: your husband, so far as I can tell, worked in the medical division of the War Office, whereas our institution is entirely private, mercantile, we’re a bank. How can you fail to understand this?
MERCHUTKINA. Your Excellency, to prove my husband was sick, I got a doctor’s certificate. Here it is, Your Excellency . . .
SHIPUCHIN (annoyed). Lovely, I believe you, but, I repeat, this has nothing to do with us.
Offstage TATYANA ALEKSEEVNA’s laugh; then men’s laughter.
(After a glance at the door.) She’s keeping the employees from their work. (To Merchutkina.) This is bizarre, even laughable. Your husband must know where to apply, doesn’t he?
MERCHUTKINA. He, Your Excellency, so far as I’m concerned, don’t know a thing. All he keeps saying is: “It’s none of your business! get out!” and that’s all . . .
SHIPUCHIN. I repeat, madam: your husband worked in the medical division of the War Office, and this is a bank, a private, mercantile institution . . .
MERCHUTKINA. Right, right, right . . . I understand, my good sir. In that case, your Excellency, make them give me at least fifteen rubles! I’ll settle for not all at once.
SHIPUCHIN (sighs). Oof!
KHIRIN. Andrey Andreich, at this rate I’ll never finish the speech!
SHIPUCHIN. Right away. (To Merchutkina.) I’m not getting through to you. Try and understand that to apply to us with such a request is as strange as filing for a divorce, for instance, at a pharmacy or the Assay Office.10
Knock at the door. TATYANA ALEKSEEVNA’s voice: “Andrey, may I come in?”
(Shouts.) Wait, my dear, just a minute! (To Merchutkina.) They didn’t pay you in full, but what’s it got to do with us? And besides, madam, we’ve got a celebration today, we’re busy . . . and somebody might come in here at any moment . . . Excuse me . . .
MERCHUTKINA. Your Excellency, take pity on me, an orphan! I’m a weak, defenseless woman . . . They’ve been the death of me with their tormenting . . . What with suing my lodgers, and dealing with my husband’s stuff, and running around on household chores, and besides that my son-in-law is out of work.
SHIPUCHIN. Mrs. Merchutkina, I . . . No, excuse me, I cannot talk to you! You’ve even got my head swimming . . . You are keeping us from work, and wasting time for no good reason . . . (Sighs, aside.) Here’s a holy terror, or my name’s not Shipuchin! (To Khirin.) Kuzma Nikolaich, will you please explain to Mrs. Merchutkina . . . (Waves his hand in dismissal and exits into the boardroom.)
KHIRIN (walks over to Merchutkina. Sternly.) How can I help you?
MERCHUTKINA. I’m a weak, defenseless woman . . . I may look tough, but if you take me to pieces, there’s not a single healthy nerve in me! I can barely stand on my feet and I got no appetite. When I had my coffee today, I didn’t get the least bit o’ satisfaction from it.
KHIRIN. I’m asking you, how can I help you?
MERCHUTKINA. Make them, my good sir, give me fifteen rubles, and the rest at least in a month.
KHIRIN. But I thought you were told in plain Russian: this is a bank!
MERCHUTKINA. Right, right . . . And if necessary, I can produce a doctor’s certificate.
KHIRIN. Have you got a brain in your head or not?
MERCHUTKINA. Dearie, I’m asking for what’s legally mine, that’s all. I don’t want nobody else’s.
KHIRIN. I’m asking you, madam: have you got a brain in your head or what? Well, damn it all, I haven’t got the time to chitchat with you! I’m busy. (Points to the door.) Please!
MERCHUTKINA (surprised). But what about the money? . . .
KHIRIN. In other words, you haven’t got a brain in your head, here’s what you’ve got . . . (Taps a finger on the desk, then on his forehead.)
MERCHUTKINA (offended). What? Well, never you mind, never you mind . . . Behave that way with your own wife . . . I’m a county clerk’s wife . . . With me you better not!
KHIRIN (flaring up, in an undertone). Get out of here!
MERCHUTKINA. But, but, but . . . You better not!
KHIRIN (in an undertone). If you don’t get out this second, I’ll send for the porter! Out! (Stamps his feet.)
MERCHUTKINA. Never you mind, never you mind! I’m not scared o’ you! We seen your sort before . . . You empty space!
KHIRIN. I don’t think in all my life I’ve ever laid eyes on anything more repulsive . . . Oof! She’s got the blood rushing to my head . . . (Breathing heavily.) I’ll say it once more . . . Now listen! If you, you old gargoyle, don’t clear out of here, I’ll grind you into powder! I’ve got the kind of temper that can make you a cripple for the rest of your life! I might do something violent!