MERCHUTKINA. Hark, hark, the dogs do bark. You blowhard. You don’t scare me. We seen your kind before.
KHIRIN (in despair). I can’t look at her! I feel sick! I can’t! (Goes to the desk and sits.) You’ve filled the bank with females, so I can’t write the speech! I can’t!
MERCHUTKINA. I’m not asking for what’s somebody else’s, just what’s legally mine. Look at this shameless creature! In a workplace he sits in felt boots . . . A peasant . . .
Enter SHIPUCHIN and TATYANA ALEKSEEVNA.
TATYANA ALEKSEEVNA (following her husband.) Then we drove to a soiree at the Berezhnitskys’. Katya was wearing a pale blue cotton-silk dress with light lace and a low neckline . . . A hairdo piled high suits her face very nicely, so I did her hair myself . . . When she was dressed, with her hair done, she was simply bewitching!
SHIPUCHIN (already with a migraine). Yes, yes . . . bewitching . . . They might come in here any minute.
MERCHUTKINA. Your Excellency!
SHIPUCHIN (depressed). Now what? How can I help you?
MERCHUTKINA. Your excellency! . . . (Points to Khirin.) This here one, this one right here . . . this here one here put his finger to his forehead, and then on the desk . . . You ordered him to deal with my case, but he made fun and talked dirty. I’m a weak, defenseless woman . . .
SHIPUCHIN. All right, madam, I’ll take care of it . . . I’ll take measures . . . Please get out . . . later! . . . (Aside.) My gout’s flaring up again! . . .
KHIRIN (walks over to Shipuchin, quietly). Andrey Andreich, let me send for the doorman, he’ll throw her out in two shakes. What’s going on, after all?
SHIPUCHIN (alarmed). No, no! She’ll make an outcry, and there are lots of private apartments in this building.
MERCHUTKINA. Your Excellency!
KHIRIN (in a whining voice). But I have to write the speech, don’t I! I haven’t got the time! . . . (Goes back to the desk.) I can’t do it!
MERCHUTKINA. Your Excellency, when will I get it? I need the money right away.
SHIPUCHIN (aside, indignantly). No, an ex-tra-or-din-ar-i-ly nasty female! (To Merchutkina, blandly.) Madam, I’ve already told you. This is a bank, a private, mercantile establishment . . .
MERCHUTKINA. Do me a favor, Your Excellency, be a father to me . . . If a doctor’s certificate ain’t enough, then I can produce a statement from the police too. Tell them to give me the money!
SHIPUCHIN (breathing heavily). Oof!
TATYANA ALEKSEEVNA (to Merchutkina). Granny, they’re telling you you’re in the way. How can you, really.
MERCHUTKINA. Beautiful lady, be a mother to me, there’s not a soul who’ll take my part. All I can manage to do is eat and drink, and now I don’t get no satisfaction from coffee.
SHIPUCHIN (faintly, to Merchutkina). How much do you want to receive?
MERCHUTKINA. Twenty-four rubles thirty-six kopeks.
SHIPUCHIN. All right! (Pulls twenty-five rubles out of his wallet and give them to her.) Here’s twenty-five rubles for you. Take it . . . and get out!
KHIRIN angrily coughs.
MERCHUTKINA. Thank you kindly, Your Excellency . . . (Puts away the money. )
TATYANA ALEKSEEVNA (sitting beside her husband). Anyway, it’s time for me to go home . . . (After looking at her watch.) But I still haven’t finished . . . . I’ll be done in just one little minute and then I’ll go . . . The things that went on! Ah, the things that went on! So, we drove to the soiree at the Berezhnitskys’ . . . It was all right, it was fun, but nothing special . . . Of course, Katya’s admirer Grendilevsky was there . . . Well, I had a word with Katya, I cried a bit, I worked my influence on her, and that very evening she had it out with Grendilevsky and turned him down. Well, I’m thinking, it’s over and done with, all’s for the best: it’s calmed down mamma, it’s saved Katya and now I myself am calm . . . And what do you think? Just before supper Katya and I are walking down a garden path and suddenly . . . (Getting excited.) And suddenly we hear a gunshot . . . No, I can’t talk about this in cold blood! (Fanning herself with her handkerchief.)
SHIPUCHIN (sighs). Oof!
TATYANA ALEKSEEVNA (weeps). We run to the summer-house and there . . . there lies poor Grendilevsky . . . with a pistol in his hand . . .
SHIPUCHIN. No, I can’t stand it! I can’t stand it! (To Merchutkina.) What can I do for you now?
MERCHUTKINA. Your Excellency, is it possible for my husband to get his job back again?
TATYANA ALEKSEEVNA (weeping). He’d shot himself right in the heart . . . just there . . . Katya fainted dead away, poor thing . . . And he was awfully scared himself, he’s lying there and . . . and asks us to send for a doctor. The doctor came right away and . . . and saved the wretched man . . .
MERCHUTKINA. Your Excellency, it is possible for my husband to get his job back again?
SHIPUCHIN. No, I can’t stand it! (Weeps.) I can’t stand it! (Extends both his arms to Khirin, in despair.) Throw her out! Throw her out, for pity’s sake!
KHIRIN (walking over to Tatyana Alekseevna). Get out of here!
SHIPUCHIN. Not her, the one over there . . . that dreadful . . . (points at Merchutkina) that one there!
KHIRIN (not understanding him, to Tatyana Alekseevna). Get out of here! (Stamps his feet.) Get out now!
TATYANA ALEKSEEVNA. What? What’s wrong with you? Have you gone crazy?
SHIPUCHIN. This is horrible! I’m a miserable wretch! Throw her out! Throw her out!
KHIRIN (to Tatyana Alekseevna). Out! I’ll cripple you! I’ll mangle you! I’ll do something violent!
TATYANA ALEKSEEVNA (runs away from him, he follows her). How dare you! You’re being rude! (Cries out.) Andrey! Save me! Andrey! (Screams.)
SHIPUCHIN (runs after them). Stop it! I implore you! Quiet! Spare me!
KHIRIN (chasing Merchutkina). Get out of here! Catch her! Smash her! Cut her throat!
SHIPUCHIN (shouts). Stop it! Will you please! I implore you!
MERCHUTKINA. Saints alive . . . saints alive! (Screams.) Saints alive! . . .
TATYANA ALEKSEEVNA (shouts). Save me! Save me! . . . Ah, ah . . . I feel faint! Faint! (Jumps onto a chair, then falls on the sofa and groans, as if in a swoon.)
KHIRIN (chasing Merchutkina). Smash her! Flog her! Cut her throat!