BUGROV (to Glagolyev). Tell me please, Nikolay Ivanych, can you cure all sorts of diseases or only some sorts?
TRILETSKY. All sorts.
BUGROV. Even anthrax?
TRILETSKY. Even anthrax.
BUGROV. So if a mad dog bit me, you could deal with it?
TRILETSKY. Did a mad dog bite you? (Moves away from him.)
BUGROV (nonplussed). God forbid! What do you mean, Nikolay Ivanych! Christ protect us!
Laughter.
ANNA PETROVNA. How do we get to your place, Porfiry Semyonych? By way of Yusnovka?
GLAGOLYEV SR. No . . . You’d be going in a circle if you drive by way of Yus-novka. Drive straight to Platonovka. I practically live in Platonovka, only a mile and a half away.
SOFYA YEGOROVNA. I know that Platonovka. Does it still exist?
GLAGOLYEV SR. How else . . .
SOFYA YEGOROVNA. I once knew the landowner there, Platonov. Sergey, do you know where that Platonov is now?
PLATONOV (aside). She should ask me where he is.
VOINITSEV. I think I do . . . You don’t remember his first name? (Laughs.)
PLATONOV. I knew him once as well. His name, I think, is Mikhail Vasilich.
Laughter.
SOFYA YEGOROVNA. Yes, yes . . . His name is Mikhail Vasilich. When I knew him, he was still a student, almost a boy . . . You’re laughing, gentlemen . . . But I really don’t see anything funny about what I said . . .
ANNA PETROVNA (roars with laughter and points to Platonov). Well, recognize him at last or else he’ll explode with the suspense!
PLATONOVgets to his feet.
SOFYA YEGOROVNA (gets to her feet and looks at Platonov). Yes . . . it is him. Why don’t you say something, Mikhail Vasilich? . . . Is it . . . really you?
PLATONOV. You don’t recognize me, Sofya Yegorovna? No wonder! Four and a half years have gone by, almost five, and my last five years were worse than rats for chewing up a human face . . .
SOFYA YEGOROVNA (gives him her hand). Only now I’m beginning to recognize you. How you’ve changed!
VOINITSEV (escorts Sasha to Sofya Yegorovna). And let me introduce his wife! . . . Aleksandra Ivanovna, the sister of one of our wittiest people — Nikolay Ivanych!
SOFYA YEGOROVNA (gives Sasha her hand). Pleased to meet you. (Sits.) You’re already married! . . . A long time? Still, five years . . .
ANNA PETROVNA. Attaboy, Platonov! He never goes anywhere, but he knows everybody. Sophie, I commend him as a friend of ours!
PLATONOV. This magnificent commendation gives me the right to ask you, Sofya Yegorovna, how are you in general? How’s your health?
SOFYA YEGOROVNA. I’m all right in general, but my health is rather poor. And how are you? What are you doing these days?
PLATONOV. Fate has toyed with me in a way I never could have predicted in the days when you regarded me as a second Byron,25 and I saw myself as a future Minister of Special Affairs and a Christopher Columbus. I’m a school teacher, Sofya Yegorovna, and that’s all.
SOFYA YEGOROVNA. You?
PLATONOV. Yes, me . . .
Pause.
I suppose it does seem a bit odd . . .
SOFYA YEGOROVNA. Incredible! Why . . . Why not something more?
PLATONOV. One sentence wouldn’t be enough, Sofya Yegorovna, to answer your question . . .
Pause.
SOFYA YEGOROVNA. You didn’t even graduate from the university?
PLATONOV. No. I dropped out.
SOFYA YEGOROVNA. Hm . . . All the same, that doesn’t prevent your being a somebody, does it?
PLATONOV. Sorry . . . I don’t understand your question . . .
SOFYA YEGOROVNA. I didn’t express myself clearly. It doesn’t stand in the way of your being a person . . . I mean, someone who works for a cause . . . for instance, at least, freedom, women’s emancipation . . . It doesn’t stand in the way of your being the spokesman for a cause?26
TRILETSKY (aside). What a load of rubbish!
PLATONOV (aside). Here we go! Hm . . . (To her.) How can I put it? It probably doesn’t stand in my way, but . . . what way is there to stand in? (Laughs.) Nothing can stand in my way . . . I am an immovable rock. Immovable rocks are created to stand in the way all on their own . . .
Enter SHCHERBUK.
SCENE XIV
The same and SHCHERBUK.
SHCHERBUK (in the doorway). Don’t give the horses any oats: they pulled very badly!
ANNA PETROVNA. Hoorah! My gentleman friend is here!
EVERYONE. Pavel Petrovich!
SHCHERBUK (silently kisses the hands of Anna Petrovna and Sasha, then bows to the men, each one individually, and makes a bow all ‘round). My friends! Tell me, unworthy individual that I am, where is that singular female, whom my soul yearns to behold! I suspect and believe that this singular female is she! (Points to Sofya Yegorovna.) Anna Petrovna, may I ask you to introduce me to her, so that she learns what sort of man I am!
ANNA PETROVNA (links arms with him and leads him to Sofya Yegorovna). Retired Guards Cornet Pavel Petrovich Shcherbuk!
SHCHERBUK. And what about my qualities?
ANNA PETROVNA. Oh yes . . . Our friend, neighbor, dance partner, guest, and creditor.
SHCHERBUK. Indeed! Closest friend of His Excellency the late General! Under his command I would capture the fortresses, known by the name of the ladies’ polonaise.27 (Bows.) May I take your hand, ma’am!
SOFYA YEGOROVNA (extends her hand and then withdraws it). Very kind of you, but . . . it isn’t necessary.
SHCHERBUK. Offense taken, ma’am . . . Your husband I held in my arms, when he was still toddling under the table . . . I bear a mark from him which I shall carry to my grave. (Opens his mouth.) In here! Missing tooth! See it?
Laughter.
I held him in my arms, and Seryozhenka, with a pistol he happened to be fooling around with, delivered a reprimand to my teeth. Heh, heh, heh . . . The scalawag! Dear lady, whose name I have not the honor of knowing, keep him in line! Your beauty reminds me of a certain picture . . . Only the little nose is different . . . Won’t you give me your hand?
PETRIN takes a seat next to Vengerovich Sr. and reads the paper aloud to him.
SOFYA YEGOROVNA (extends her hand). If you insist . . .
SHCHERBUK (kisses her hand). Merci to you! (to Platonov.) Are you well, Mishenka? What a fine young fellow you’ve grown to be! (Sits down.) I knew you back in the days when you still gazed at God’s green earth in bewilderment . . . And you keep growing and growing . . . Phooey!28 evil eye begone! Well done! What a good-looking fellow! Now why don’t you join the army, Cupid?29