VENGEROVICH SR. I suggest you leave me in peace . . .
PLATONOV. There’s no point in bringing him up . . . You two are the same; the only difference is that he’s smarter than you and happy as the day is long. Besides . . . he can’t be called names to his face, but you can. Two peas in a pod, but . . . Sixty taverns, my friend, sixty taverns, and you haven’t got sixty kopeks!
VENGEROVICH SR. Sixty-three taverns.
PLATONOV. In a year’s time he’ll have seventy-three . . . He’s a public benefactor, gives charity dinners, is widely respected, everyone doffs his cap to him, whereas you . . . you’re a great man, but . . . pal, you don’t know how to lead your life! You don’t know how to lead your life, you public enemy!
VENGEROVICH SR. You’re letting your imagination run away with you, Mikhail Vasilich! (Gets up and sits on a different chair.)
PLATONOV. He’s got more lightning rods to protect his head . . . He’ll live peaceably for as many years as he’s lived already, if not more, and he’ll die . . . he’ll die even more peaceably!
ANNA PETROVNA. Stop it, Platonov!
VOINITSEV. Take it easy, Mikhail Vasilich! Osip, get out of here! Your presence is only aggravating the Platonovian instincts.
VENGEROVICH SR. He wants to chase me out of here, but he won’t succeed!
PLATONOV. I will succeed! If I don’t succeed, I’ll leave myself!
ANNA PETROVNA. Platonov, won’t you give over? Stop speechifying, and tell me plainly: are you going to give over or not?
SASHA. Shut up, for heaven’s sake! (Quietly.) It’s indecent! You’re embarrassing me!
PLATONOV (to Osip). Beat it! My cordial wishes for your speediest departure!
OSIP. Marya Petrovna’s got a parrot that calls everybody and their dog fools, and when it gets an eyeful of a vulture or Abram Abramych, it screeches: “Damn you!” (Roars with laughter.) Good-bye, sir! (Exits.)
SCENE XVI
The same, less OSIP.
VENGEROVICH SR. Of all people, you’re the last one, young man, to venture to lecture me on morality and certainly not in that way. I am a citizen and, to tell the truth, a useful citizen . . . I’m a father, and who are you? Who are you, young man? Excuse me, a show-off, a landowner who’s frittered away his estate, who has assumed a sacred duty, to which he has not the slighest qualification, being a depraved individual . . .
PLATONOV. A citizen . . . If you’re a citizen, then it is a very dirty word! A four-letter word!
ANNA PETROVNA. He won’t give over! Platonov, why are you poisoning the day for us with your preaching? Why do you have to talk out of turn? And who gave you the right?
TRILETSKY. How can one live in peace with these most righteous and honorable of men . . . They meddle in everything, make everything their business, poke their noses in everything . . .
GLAGOLYEV SR. They started, gentlemen, with Are you well? and end with Please drop dead . . .
ANNA PETROVNA. Bear in mind, Platonov, that “if guests start name-calling, the hostess starts bawling . . .”
VOINITSEV. That is correct, and from this moment on let there be a general hush . . . Peace, harmony, and silence!
VENGEROVICH SR. He won’t give me a moment’s peace! What did I ever do to him? He’s a fraud!
VOINITSEV. Hush . . .
TRILETSKY. Let them call each other names! All the more fun for us.
Pause.
PLATONOV. When you take a hard look and give it serious thought, you could faint! . . . And what’s worst of all is that anyone who is the least bit honest, sensible, keeps his mouth shut, silent as the tomb, and only stares . . . Everyone stares at him in fear, everyone kowtows to this obese, gilded upstart, everyone is in debt to him up to their eyebrows! Honor’s gone down the drain!
ANNA PETROVNA. Calm down, Platonov! This is last year’s story all over again, and I won’t stand for it!
PLATONOV (drinks some water). All right. (Sits down.)
VENGEROVICH SR. All right.
Pause.
SHCHERBUK. I am a martyr, my friends, a martyr!
ANNA PETROVNA. Now what?
SHCHERBUK. Woe is me, my friends! Better lie in your grave than live with a shrewish wife! We had another blow-up! She almost killed me a week ago with that devil of hers, that red-headed Don Juan.381 was asleep in the yard under the apple tree, I was savoring my dreams, and poring over visions of the past with envy . . . (Sighs.) All of a sudden . . . all of a sudden it’s as if someone’s bopping me on the head! Good Lord! The end, I think, has come! An earthquake, warring elements, a flood, a rain of fire . . . I open my eyes, and there stands Rusty . . . Rusty attacks me by my flank, and wallops that contingent with all his might, and then drops me on the ground! Then that wild woman jumped on me . . . Grabbed me by my innocent beard (grabs himself by the beard), and that was no picnic! (Slaps his bald spot.) They nearly killed me . . . I thought I’d kick the bucket . . .
ANNA PETROVNA. You’re exaggerating, Pavel Petrovich . . .
SHCHERBUK. She’s an old hag, older than anything on this earth, uglier than sin, and yet she’s . . . in love! Oh, you witch! And this suits Rusty fine . . . It’s my money he’s after, and not her love . . .
YAKOV enters and hands Anna Petrovna a calling card.
VOINITSKY. Who is it?
ANNA PETROVNA. Stop, Pavel Petrovich! (Reads.) “Comte Glagolief.” What’s all this formality for? Please, show him in! (to Glagolyev Sr.) Your son, Por-firy Semyonych!
GLAGOLYEV SR. My son? Out of the blue? He’s abroad!
Enter GLAGOLYEV JR.
SCENE XVII
The same and GLAGOLYEV JR.
ANNA PETROVNA. Kirill Porfirich! How kind of you!
GLAGOLYEV SR. (stands up). Kirill, you’re . . . here? (Sits down.)
GLAGOLYEV JR. Good afternoon, mesdames! Platonov, Vengerovich, Trilet-sky! . . . So that crackpot Platonov’s here . . . Greetings, regards, and respects! It’s awfully hot in Russia . . . Straight from Paris! Straight as an arrow from the land of the French! Phew . . . You don’t believe it? Word of honor as a gentleman! Only dropped off my trunk at home . . . Well, that Paris, ladies and gentleman! There’s a city for you!
VOINITSEV. Take a seat, Frenchie!
GLAGOLYEV JR. No, no, no . . . I didn’t come as a guest, but just . . . I just have to see my father . . . (To his father.) Listen, why are you doing this?
GLAGOLYEV SR. Doing what?
GLAGOLYEV JR. You want to pick a fight? Why didn’t you send me any money, when I asked for it, eh?
GLAGOLYEV SR. We’ll discuss it at home.
GLAGOLYEV JR. Why didn’t you send me any money? Are you making fun of me? Is everything a joke to you? Are you joking? Gentlemen, how can one live abroad without money?
ANNA PETROVNA. How did you find life in Paris? Do sit down, Kirill Porfirych!