YASHA (scoffing). Tons of Trouble . . .
YEPIKHODOV. Well, it could have happened to anybody.66 (Exits.)
VARYA (from behind the door). Have they sent Firs to the hospital?
ANYA. They have.
VARYA. Then why didn’t they take the letter to the doctor?
ANYA. We’ll have to send someone after them . . . (Exits.)
VARYA (from the next room). Where’s Yasha? Tell him his mother’s here, wants to say good-bye to him.
YASHA (waves his hand in dismissal). They simply try my patience.
DUNYASHA in the meantime has been fussing with the luggage; now that YASHA is alone, she comes up to him.
DUNYASHA. If only you’d take one little look at me, Yasha. You’re going away . . . you’re leaving me behind . . . (Weeps and throws herself on his neck.)
YASHA. What’s the crying for? (Drinks champagne.) In six days I’ll be in Paris again. Tomorrow we’ll board an express train and dash away, we’ll be gone in a flash. Somehow I can’t believe it. Veev lah Franz! . . . It doesn’t suit me here, I can’t live . . . nothing going on. I’ve had an eyeful of uncouth behavior—I’m fed up with it. (Drinks champagne.) What’s the crying for? Behave respectably, then you won’t have to cry.67
DUNYASHA (powdering her nose, looks in a hand mirror). Drop me a line from Paris. I really loved you, Yasha, loved you so! I’m a soft-hearted creature, Yasha!
YASHA. Someone’s coming in here. (Fusses with the luggage, humming softly.)
Enter LYUBOV ANDREEVNA, GAEV, ANYA, and CHARLOTTA IVANOVNA.
GAEV. We should be off. Not much time left. (Looking at Yasha.) Who’s that smelling of herring?
LYUBOV ANDREEVNA. In about ten minutes we ought to be getting into the carriages. (Casting a glance round the room.) Good-bye, dear old house, old grandfather. Winter will pass, spring will come again, but you won’t be here any more, they’ll tear you down. How much these walls have seen! (Kissing her daughter ardently.) My precious, you’re radiant, your eyes are sparkling like two diamonds. Are you happy? Very?
ANYA. Very! A new life is beginning, Mama!
GAEV (gaily). As a matter of fact, everything’s fine now. Before the sale of the cherry orchard, we were all upset, distressed, but then, once the matter was settled finally, irrevocably, everyone calmed down, even cheered up . . . I’m a bank employee, now I’m a financier . . . yellow to the center, and you, Lyuba, anyway, you’re looking better, that’s for sure.
LYUBOV ANDREEVNA. Yes. My nerves are better, that’s true.
They help her on with her hat and coat.
I sleep well. Carry my things out, Yasha. It’s time. (To Anya.) My little girl, we’ll be back together soon . . . I’m off to Paris, I’ll live there on that money your great-aunt in Yaroslavl sent us to buy the estate—hurray for Auntie!— but that money won’t last long.
ANYA. Mama, you’ll come back soon, soon . . . won’t you? I’ll study, pass the finals at the high school and then I’ll work to help you. Mama, we’ll be together and read all sorts of books . . . Won’t we? (Kisses her mothers hand.) We’ll read in the autumn evenings, we’ll read lots of books, and before us a new, wonderful world will open up . . . (Dreamily.) Mama, come back . . .
LYUBOV ANDREEVNA. I’ll come back, my precious. (Embraces her daughter.)
Enter LOPAKHIN. CHARLOTTA is quietly singing a song.
GAEV. Charlotta’s happy! She’s singing!
CHARLOTTA (picks up a bundle that looks like a swaddled baby). Rock-a-bye, baby, on the tree top . . .
We hear a baby crying: “Waa! Waa!”
Hush, my sweet, my dear little boy.
“Waa! . . . Waa! . . .”
I’m so sorry for you! (Throws down the bundle.) Will you please find me a position. I can’t keep on this way.
LOPAKHIN. We’ll find one, Charlotta Ivanovna, don’t worry.
GAEV. Everyone’s dropping us, Varya’s leaving . . . we’ve suddenly become superfluous.
CHARLOTTA. There’s nowhere for me to live in town. Have to go away . . . (Hums.) What difference does it make?
Enter PISHCHIK.
LOPAKHIN. The freak of nature!
PISHCHIK (out of breath). Oy, let me catch my breath . . . I’m winded . . . my most honored . . . Give me some water . . .
GAEV. After money, I suppose? Your humble servant, deliver me from temptation . . . (Exits.)
PISHCHIK (out of breath). I haven’t been to see you for the longest time . . . loveliest of ladies . . . (To Lopakhin.) You here . . . glad to see you . . . a man of the most enormous intellect . . . take . . . go on . . . (Hands money to Lopakhin.) Four hundred rubles . . . I still owe you eight hundred and forty . . .
LOPAKHIN (bewildered, shrugs). It’s like a dream . . . Where did you get this?
PISHCHIK. Wait . . . Hot . . . Most amazing thing happened. Some Englishmen68 stopped by my place and found on my land some kind of white clay . . . (To Lyubov Andreevna.) And four hundred for you . . . beautiful lady, divine creature . . . (Hands her money.) The rest later. (Drinks water.) Just now some young man on the train was telling about some sort of . . . great philosopher who recommends jumping off roofs . . . “Jump!” — he says, and that solves the whole problem. (Astounded.) Can you imagine! Water! . . .
LOPAKHIN. Who were these Englishmen?
PISHCHIK. I leased them the lot with the clay for twenty-four years . . . But now, excuse me, no time . . . Have to run along . . . I’m going to Znoikov’s . . . Kardamonov’s . . . I owe everybody . . . (Drinks.) Your good health . . . On Thursday I’ll drop by . . .
LYUBOV ANDREEVNA. We’re just about to move to town, and tomorrow I’ll be abroad.
PISHCHIK. What? (Agitated.) Why to town? Goodness, look at the furniture . . . the suitcases . . . well, never mind . . . (Through tears.) Never mind. Persons of the highest intelligence . . . those Englishmen . . . Never mind . . . Be happy . . . God will come to your aid . . . Never mind . . . Everything in this world comes to an end . . . (Kisses Lyubov Andreevna’s hand.) And should rumor reach you that my end has come, just remember this very thing—a horse, and say: “Once there lived an old so-and-so . . . Simeonov-Pishchik . . . rest in peace” . . . The most incredible weather . . . yes . . . (Exits, overcome with emotion, but immediately reappears in the doorway and says:) Dashenka sends you her regards! (Exits.)
LYUBOV ANDREEVNA. Now we can go. I’m leaving with two things on my mind. First—that Firs is ill. (Glancing at her watch.) There’s still five minutes . . .