SHIPUNOV (leaning toward Krasnushkina, in an undertone). Put yourself in my place as welclass="underline" I cannot declare my feelings in the presence of some disinfectant . . .
LEDENTSOV (having overheard this last word shouts:) Yuliya Adamovna . . . I will not be held responsible for my actions!! (Offstage a dog barks.)
KRASNUSHKINA (to Shipunov). That’s Nero calling for his bath . . . (To Ledentsov.) Monsieur Ledentsov . . . you really must calm down! . . . Go to the kitchen, take Nero and walk him over to the pond . . .
LEDENTSOV. How can I take him, I’d like to know, when he’s almost the size of a bear! Yesterday, when I took him for a swim, he grabbed on to my left foot . . .
KRASNUSHKINA. You’re afraid of such trifles and dare, after that, to talk about love! (Hypnotizes him.) You will go . . . and give him a bath!!
LEDENTSOV exits across the balcony. Offstage a dog barks again and LEDENTSOV cries out. Pause.
II
KRASNUSHKINA and SHIPUNOV.
KRASNUSHKINA. I got back from my swim in such a dreamy mood, and then suddenly out of the blue — the two of you with your declarations . . . and such Hispanic passions . . . Horrors! . . . And how many times has my doctor warned me that any talk of love on an empty stomach is extremely harmful . . . Because of you, I still haven’t had my coffee . . . (Goes to the balcony, sits down at the table and drinks her coffee.) Well, sir, I shall drink my coffee, and you may declare your feelings . . .
SHIPUNOV (stands gloomily, in a picturesque pose, near the balcony). To speak for myself, I have but a single feeling: I cannot live without you!
KRASNUSHKINA. And how did you manage to live before?
SHIPUNOV. How can you call that living: it was like a kind of bachelor decadentalism . . .
KRASNUSHKINA. So you want to get married? . . .
SHIPUNOV. I don’t want to, but I’m burning with desire!
KRASNUSHKINA. And it has to be . . . me?
SHIPUNOV. Other women do not exist for me!!
KRASNUSHKINA (evasively). You are forgetting, Colonel, that every woman has her foibles and whims . . .
SHIPUNOV (gallantly twirls his magnificent moustache). Damn it all, there is no sacrifice I would not make for the woman I adore! . . .
KRASNUSHKINA. Why should I believe you? . . .
SHIPUNOV. Because a mere glance from your eyes is a law for me! I swear by the horns of Satan that whatever you demand of me . . . will be instantly performed!!
KRASNUSHKINA. Even if I were to demand . . . (Stares at his moustache and smiles enigmatically.)
SHIPUNOV. You do not finish your sentence . . . is something troubling you??
KRASNUSHKINA. Indeed, I am troubled by the prospect of our marriage. I will be your wife, and you will be my husband . . . and then you’ll want to kiss me! . . .
SHIPUNOV. What’s wrong with that? Naturally, once I am your husband . . . I shall want to kiss your splendid lips!
KRASNUSHKINA. But that’s absolutely out of the question . . .
SHIPUNOV. Why is it out of the question?
KRASNUSHKINA. Because my splendid lips . . . cannot abide a big moustache . . . Fie, it prickles so unpleasantly!
SHIPUNOV (puzzled). What do you mean?
KRASNUSHKINA (hypnotizes him). The meaning is quite simple: if you love me . . . you will shave it off . . .
SHIPUNOV. I’m ready for anything, by the horns of Satan—but not my moustache! . . . For pity’s sake, Pushkin himself sang of the hussar’s moustache:
. . . He began to twirl his long moustache . . .
And besides there is a circular from the War Department concerning moustaches . . . A moustache is, in a manner of speaking, government issue!!
KRASNUSHKINA. Well, in other words, you don’t love me . . . Good-bye! (Turns away.)
SHIPUNOV. I . . . don’t love you? Why, I can’t sleep nights because of you; I’ve given up my club, cards, the races . . . I’m literally going out of my mind with love!! . . .
KRASNUSHKINA. If that’s the case, then what’s keeping you . . . from spending half an hour at the barbershop? . . . (Hypnotizes him.) Snip-snip . . . and you will get a definite answer . . .
SHIPUNOV (wavering). A definite one . . .
KRASNUSHKINA. I just said so. (Gets up, walks over to him and hypnotizes him powerfully.) Go . . . and be shaved! . . .
SHIPUNOV (under a hypnotic spell, moves backward to the gate). I go . . . and shall be shaved . . . Oh, those eyes! I swear by the horns of Satan it’s beyond human power to withstand that gaze!! I go, ma’am . . . (Clicks his spurs.)
KRASNUSHKINA. Go . . . and I promise you something . . . you least expect!
SHIPUNOV (completely stupefied). You promise something? . . . Oh, I’m going, I’m going!! . . . (Exits.)
III
KRASNUSHKINA (alone) and then LEDENTSOV.
KRASNUSHKINA. Well, that’s one shown the door—now to make short work of the other one . . . (A dog barks offstage.) There he is . . . There’s really is something . . . magnetic . . . about my eyes! . . . Many people have remarked on it from a distance. Only there’s never been a suitable occasion to try out their power . . . (Takes out a hand mirror and smartens herself up. LEDENTSOV appears on the balcony, limping on his right foot. Taking advantage of Krasnushkina having her back to him, he pulls out of his pocket a packet of powder and hastily sprinkles the powder into Krasnushkina’s cup.)
LEDENTSOV (resolutely). I’ll commit a crime, and she shall be mine!!
KRASNUSHKINA (sees it all in her hand-mirror). What is he doing? He sprinkled something in my coffee . . . What a lunatic! . . . (Quickly turns around and almost bumps into Ledentsov.) What were you doing out there . . . on the balcony? You were sprinkling something into my coffee! . . . Well, confess: did you sprinkle, sprinkle?? . . .
LEDENTSOV (falling to his knees). Forgive me, but I . . . this . . . wanted to . . . I mean I turned to the last resort! . . .
KRASNUSHKINA. What is the last resort?
LEDENTSOV (on his knees). The resort that stimulates love! . . . My own invention in the form of a powder . . . I’ve just petitioned the Health Department for a patent . . . it’s called “amoroso furioso”!! . . .
KRASNUSHKINA. Get up . . . I forgive you! . . . Love excuses a great many things . . . But promise me never to pour in any more “amoroso”!