FALCONI (enters with the Countess). I’m not needed in the first act, neither is my lady-wife, but nevertheless, by the will of the author allow us to show ourselves . . . My lady is a treacherous sort. Please love and pity us . . . If it’s not funny, forgive us.
COUNTESS (betrays her husband). Woe to the wife of a jealous husband! (Betrays her husband.)
HESSE. I’m not needed on stage, but meanwhile I stand here . . . What do I do with my arms?
Not knowing where to put his arms, he walks.
ORPHAN GIRL (having taken money from Raphaeli, goes to Rome to Arthur, with whom she is in love. For some unknown reason she disguises herself in male garb. Everyone follows her to Rome.)
LUNA. How deadly boring . . . Should I go into eclipse? (An eclipse of the moon begins.)
ACTS TWO AND THREE
COUNTESS (betrays her husband). Arthur sweetie-pie . . . .
ORPHAN GIRL. I shall visit Arthur as a pupil. (Visits and grows sour. She is presented with a wreath as a honorable degree.)
ARTHUR. I am in love with the countess, but I don’t need that kind of love. I want to love quietly, platonically . . .
COUNTESS (betrays her husband). What a pretty little fellow (catches sight of the Orphan Girl). I’ll give him a kiss! (Betrays her husband and Arthur.)
ARTHUR. I am outraged!
ORPHAN GIRL (changes her clothes for women’s garb). I am a woman! (Exits following Arthur, who has suddenly fallen in love with her.)
AUDIENCE. Is that all? Hm . . .
OPERETTA (vanishing). How many various varieties have vanished on this very spot!
LENTOVSKY (grabbing the vanishing Operetta by the scruff of her neck). Oh no, stop! (Begins to cut her up with his scissors.)10 Stop, my dear girl . . . We’ll just trim you down a bit . . . (Finished with his cutting, he stares hard at her.) Only ruined her, damn it.
OPERETTA. What will be, shall be. (Vanishes.)
EPILOGUE
Apotheosis. LENTOVSKY on his knees. A GOOD FAIRY, defending THE BOX OFFICE with her baby, stands before him in the pose of an advocate . . . The prospect reveals new operettas and HEAVY PROFITS.
NOTES
1 Published in The Alarm-clock (Budilnik) 38 (October 1884), p. 457. A parody of Carnival in Rome, a comic opera in three acts with music by Johann Strauss, words by J. Braun, translation by A. M. de-Ribas, produced at Lentovsky’s Theatre, Moscow, September 22, 1884.
2 Played by the actor Bogdanov.
3 A phrase from Gogol’s Dead Souls, where a lady of society is described as “pleasant in every respect.”
4 Played by Leonov.
5 A. Hesse owned a match factory in Ruza and printed jokes on his matchboxes.
6 See Unclean Tragedians and Leprous Playwrights, note 9.
7 Count D. Andrássy (1823–1890), Hungarian statesman and Austro-Hungarian minister of foreign affairs (1871–1879).
8 Grigory Aleksandrovich Arbenin, the stage manager of the theater, was responsible for most of the translations of plays in its repertory.
9 The actor Tamarin played the role of the pseudo-artist Raphaeli.
10 By the fourth performance, Lentovsky had already made cuts in the performance.
A MOUTH AS BIG AS ALL OUTDOORS1
Яэыk ‰o Kиe‚a ‰o‚e‰eт
Whither, sweetheart, art thou fled?
Where am I to seek thee?
Folksong
1. Take off your cap! It’s not permitted here!
2. It’s not a cap, it’s a top hat!
1. It doesn’t matter, sir!
2. No, it does matter, sir . . . You can buy a cap for fifty kopeks, but try and find a top hat for that!
1. Cap or hat . . . all the same. . .
2 (taking off his hat). You ought to express yourself more clearly . . . (Imitating.) Cap, cap . . .
1. Please stop this talking. You’re preventing other people from hearing!
2. You’re the one who keeps talking and preventing them, not me. I am silent, my friend . . . And I would have been dead silent, if you hadn’t been a-bothering me.
1. Sssh . . .
2. Don’t you shush me . . . (After a silence.) I can shush myself . . . And you don’t have to bug your eyes at me . . . You don’t scare me . . . I’ve seen your sort before . . .
2’s Wife. Oh stop it! That’ll do!
2. What’s he pestering me for? What did I do to him? Anything? Why is he on my case? Or maybe you’d like me to complain to the policeman on duty.
1. Later, later . . . Keep quiet.
2. Aha, now you’re scared! Just what I thought . . . Won’t put your money where your mouth is.
Among the audience. Sssh . . .
2. Even the audience has noticed . . . Pretends to be for law and order, but behaves disorderly himself . . . (Smiles sarcastically.) Even got medals on his chest . . . a saber . . . People, take a look!
1 goes out after a moment.
2. He got embarrassed, left . . . Probably still got a shred of conscience left, if words can embarrass him . . . If he’d gone on talking, I might have said something uncalled for. I know how to deal with that sort of gent!
2’s Wife. Shut up, the audience is looking!
2. Let ‘em look . . . . I’ve paid my own good money, nobody else’s . . . And if I got something to say, don’t get me riled . . . That guy left . . . that guy hisself, so I’ll keep quiet now . . . If no one’s bothering me, why should I keep on talking? There’s no cause to keep on talking . . . I understand . . . (Applauds.) Encore! Encore!
1, 3, 4, 5, and 6 (literally rising out of the ground). If you please! Get out, sir!
2. Where’s that coming from? (Turning pale.) What’s this supposed to mean?
1, 3, 4, 5, and 6. For pity’s sake, sir! (Seize 2 under the arms.) Don’t drag your feet . . . If you please, sir! (They drag him along.)
2. You pay your own good money and all of a sudden . . . this sort of thing . . . (Gets carried away.)
Among the audience. They’ve got rid of the bum!
The Man without a Spleen
NOTES
1 Published in Splinters (Oskolki) 44 (November 3, 1884), pp. 5–6. The Russian title is from the proverbial “He’s got a tongue that stretches as far as Kiev.”