A. Chekhonte
NOTES
1 Published in Splinters (Oskolki) 50 (December 15, 1884), p. 4.
2 Poker for profit was forbidden by law.
AT THE SICKBED1
Y пocтeли ·oльнoҐo
At the sickbed stand DOCTORS POPOV and MILLER, arguing:
POPOV. I confess I don’t hold much with conservative methods.
MILLER. Colleague, this has got nothing to do with being conservative. You go on about professions of faith and having no faith, orthodoxies or heterodoxies . . . I’m talking about diet, which ought to be changed in concreto . . .2
PATIENT. Ugh! (Gets out of bed with effort, goes to the door, and timidly peers into the next room). These days even walls have ears, after all.
POPOV. He’s complaining that his chest is constricted . . . it’s suffocating him . . . stifling him . . . Don’t treat him without a powerful stimulant . . .
The PATIENT groans and timidly peers out the window.
MILLER. But before you give him a stimulant, I would ask you to pay some attention to his general state of health . . .
PATIENT (turning pale). Ah, gentlemen, don’t talk so loudly! I’m a family man . . . a civil servant . . . There are people walking outside the windows . . . I have a maid-servant . . . Ah! (Waves his hand hopelessly.)
The Man without a Spleen
NOTES
1 Published in Splinters (Oskolki) 48 (December 1, 1884), p. 6.
2 Latin, definitively.
THE CASE OF THE YEAR 18841
(From Our Correspondent)
Дeлo o 1884 ro‰e
(oт нaшero koррecпoн‰eнтa)
Today is now the sixth day at N. courthouse of the trial of the secular year 1884, accused of dereliction of duty. The court is perceptibly weary. The accused weeps and now and then whispers to its defense lawyer. This very day there began the examination of the material evidence . . . When, at the request of the public prosecutor, The Citizen2 was read aloud and an issue of The Ray appeared with a portrait of Okreits,3 the public was excluded from the courtroom, so that the subjects mentioned might not lead them into temptation . . . After this the pleas began on both sides.
“Please, your —nor,” the defense attorney concluded his speech, “enter into the record that the whole time I was speaking the Public Prosecutor coughed, blew his nose and thumped the water bottle . . . “
PRESIDENT OF THE COURT. Accused, your last word!
THE ACCUSED (weeps). I would like to say something, although it is pointless, if you’ve already made up your mind to rake me over the coals. I am accused, in the first place, of inertia — the fact that I’ve done nothing, that in my time the economic situation did not improve, the exchange rate hasn’t risen, manufacturing is stuck in the mud and so on . . . That is not my fault . . . Remember that when I was appointed to the post of new year, I found, . . . (Tells in detail what he found.)
PRESIDENT. This has nothing to do with the case! Please speak to the matter at hand!
THE ACCUSED (panicking). Yes, sir, your —nor! The Public Prosectuor accuses me of wasting my time on trivia, of twiddling my thumbs . . . True, during my existence on earth I have done nothing sensible. A new form of label for bottles was put on sale, rags were patched, fools were made to pray to God, and they bashed their foreheads against the ground . . .
PRESIDENT. Accused, if you refer to individuals, I shall bar you from speaking.
ACCUSED. What am I to say then? (After a moment’s thought.) Fine, I’ll move to the press . . . They say that all the newspapers are vacuous, dull, that the press only insults people behind their backs, that talented people are literally shoved under water . . . What can I do about it, if . . .
PRESIDENT. Bailiff! Remove the accused from the courtroom!
On the accused being led from the courtroom, the jury was presented with the questionnaire.
The court pronounced sentence: the secular year 1884, after being deprived of all civil rights, is to be exiled and deported to Lethe4 forever.
The Man without a Spleen
NOTES
1 Published in Fragments (Oskolki) 1 (January 5, 1884), p. 6.
2 A conservative paper published by V. I. Meshchersky.
3 The Ray, a weekly illustrated magazine, bore a portrait of its anti-Semitic publisher, S. S. Okreits, on its cover. Chekhov considered Okreits to be on the lowest rung of the literary ladder.
4 The river of oblivion that flowed through the ancient Greek underworld.
A DRAMA1
Дрaмa
CHARACTERS
POPPA DEAR, who has 11 eligible daughters
A YOUNG MAN
COAT-TAILS
YOUNG MAN (enters Poppa Dear’s study after waving his hand in desperation and saying, “The hell with it! you can only die once!”). Ivan Ivanych! Permit me to ask for the hand in marriage of your youngest daughter Varvara!
POPPA DEAR (casting down his eyes and with false modesty). I’d be delighted, but . . . she’s still so young . . . so inexperienced . . . And besides . . . you want to deprive me . . . of my solace . . . (wipes away tears) . . . the support of my old age . . .
YOUNG MAN (quickly). In that case . . . I dare not insist . . . (Bows and starts to go. )
POPPA DEAR (strenuously retaining him by the coat-tails). Hold on! A pleasure! Happy to oblige! My benefactor!
COAT-TAILS (pitifully). Rrrrippp . . .
The Man without a Spleen
NOTES
1 Published in The Cricket (Sverchok) 37 (September 25, 1886), pp. 4–5. Chekhov rewrote it in narrative form in 1887.
BEFORE THE ECLIPSE1
Пepe‰ зaтмeниeм
(Excerpt from a Fairy Musical)
The SUN and the MOON are beyond the horizon, drinking tea.
SUN (pensively). M-yes, my dear fellow . . . Please accept twenty-five rubles, but more I cannot manage.
MOON. Believe me, in all conscience, your radiance, it’s worth much more to you. Please bear in mind: the honorable astronomers are desirous that the eclipse begin in the Kingdom of Poland at 5 o’clock in the morning and end in Upper Udinsk at 12, consequently I have to take part in the ceremony at seven, sir . . . If you offer me five smackers an hour, it’ll be cheap at the price, sir. (Snatches the train on a scudding cloud and blows his nose in it.) Please don’t be stingy, your radiance. I’ll set you up such obscurity that even the lawyers will get jealous. You’ll get complete satisfaction, sir . . .