‘Why?’
‘Because I’m funny in the head I guess. I don’t know. If I knew, maybe I wouldn’t be funny. Hey, sit down why don’t you?’
Roderick said, ‘I can’t sit down.’
‘Can’t sit down! No legs! Heck and darn — I suppose you ain’t got any candy, either?’
‘Nope. Never use it.’
‘Better for your teeth, huh?’
‘No teeth either.’
Louie’s bad teeth showed in the gaping mouth. ‘No teeth! Wow! You’re worser off than me!’
‘But I’m not funny in the head — hey look, I’m sorry. Don’t cry, hey.’
Louie smiled through his tears. ‘Boy I’d like to show ’em! You know what I’d like to do? I’d like to go over to Howdy Doody Lake — you never been there? It’s nice — and I’d pick some flowers and throw them in, see? Then I’d throw some kid in!’
‘Didn’t I see that in this movie, Louie?’
‘Yeah I seen it too. Boy, they wouldn’t think I’m funny then. Only I wouldn’t drownd the kid, I’d pull ’em out again. Because if you drownd somebody that’s murder. They get detectives after you.’ Louie picked his nose, tasted the result. ‘Sometimes I think they got detectives after me anyways.’
‘How come? Did you drownd somebody?’
‘No! Never did! Never did! Only oncet I seen these two men in front of my house, sitting in this truck, see? Just sitting there, all day. All day long.’
‘I wonder why?’
‘I don’t know.’ After trying the other nostril, Louie said, ‘I wish I was real rich. Real rich. Then I’d pay these detectives to find out stuff for me. To find out — everything. Like what it says in books. And, and how come I’m funny in the head — everything. Ev-er-y-thing!’
That evening Ma and Pa sat at the dining-table, elbow-deep in quadruplicate forms.
‘I didn’t know adoption could be such a tricky business, Mary. Swann says it could take years, too, without no birth-certificate and with the—’
‘Listen to this: “Item 54. Gross readjusted excludable income not including net excludable tax adjustments included in item 51a” — what in the world do they mean, including the excludable?’
‘Money’s gonna be a problem too, already cashed my life insurance to pay Swann’s retainer — somebody’s at the door.’
The screen door cracked open and two men stumbled in: Sheriff Benson and Dr Smith. They seemed to be arguing.
‘Now Doc, hold on, you had no right to bust down that door, hold on just hold on.’
‘Getthatmthrfkn — Leggo, leggo!’
Pa said, ‘What is this? You know we never lock that door—’
Dr Smith shook a mottled pink fist.
The sheriff spoke: ‘Half outa his mind, Pa, I’m real sorry about that. Seems he thinks your little uh robot’s been assaulting on his girl Judy.’
‘Roderick? He’s upstairs in the land of recharge — in bed I mean. What do you mean, assaulted?’
Dr Smith grabbed his shirt-front. ‘What the fuck do you think I mean? That fucking dirty-filthy machine was out in your back yard this afternoon, playing slimy sex-games with my daughter! Bring him down here! Now! I want the sheriff to see that thing smashed into a million cock-sucking pieces!’
The sheriff separated them and forced Smith into a chair. ‘Now sit there and shut up till I find out what happened.’
‘I know what happened, Judy told me what hap—’
‘Button it, Doc.’ Sheriff Benson was a gaunt, weary-looking man with rotten teeth. He sucked them to punctuate sentences.
‘Well we got the report this afternoon. Miz Violetta Stubbs seen what happened from her back porch and called me. I’da been out here sooner only — hey, you know they got a new game show on, Channel 58, this one gal won a Rolls-Royce you know all she had to do—’
‘Get to the point!’ Dr Smith kneaded his fists together.
‘—just name six vegetables, simple, huh? Anyways like I say Miz Violetta seen your little robot and his little Judy playing it looked like doctors. Soooo… wonder if I might have a word with the little uh, okay?’
‘I’ll get him,’ said Ma. ‘Only keep that maniac away from him.’ She went to the stairs and paused. ‘Or her,’ she said.
Benson sucked his teeth. Just what I was thinking. You know, Doc, this case — there ain’t no precedent. I mean, if this robot was a live girl I know you wouldn’t care two hoots, if it was a live boy I guess we could settle it without much fuss too. But this robot ain’t got a sex — has it?’
‘Don’t try to cover up for them, Benny, goddamnit I know what I know. That thing—’
‘Sit down, Doc. Now looky here, this thing’s no bigger than a good-sized breadbox — reminds me of a game show where they — no, but look at him. Doc? You want me to prefer assault charges against that bitty thing?’
Ma carried him down. ‘Is it morning? Is hello, Sheriff, did you bring back our toilet?’
‘Set him on the table here Ma, now listen uh son, I want to ask you a coupla questions, you know what the truth is?’
‘Sure like in truth tables, like if you ask me three questions I could answer them eight different wa—’
‘No, well more like Truth or Consequences. Listen, this afternoon, what did you and Judy Smith do out there by the back hedge?’
‘Doctors.’
‘You played doctors? How does it go?’
‘Well you don’t have pieces—’
‘That’s a relief. Go on.’
‘And you just talk mostly about how the radiologist is batty about some nurse in O.R. Two, she won’t give him a second look though because she’s head-over-heels in love with young Doctor Something who’s been working too hard, two hours sleep in five years he can’t go on like this I tell you, with you it’s always give, give, let Doctor Whatsit carry some of the load sure he’s old and he drinks before surgery—’
‘Fine, but what do you do besides talk?’
‘Well nothing much. She puts it in my hands.’
‘Sit down, Doc! Puts what, boy?’
‘Her life. In my hands, my capable hands.’
‘Think we got nothin’ here, Doc, let’s go.’
Dr Smith cursed and yelled incoherently for a moment, then left, carrying before him his swollen, pink, capable hands. The sheriff remained behind a moment.
‘Real sorry about this, folks. Doc’ll pay for the door and all but — well, might be better to make sure we don’t get any more false alarms, okay?’
Pa said, ‘Keep him away from Judy Smith, you mean?’
‘I mean, keep him chained up. Seems to me if he ain’t a boy or a girl and he ain’t exactly a machine, he must be a pet. You get a good strong chain tomorrow, and chain him up.’
Ma shrieked. Pa turned pinker than a dentist’s hands. ‘What the hell, here, Sheriff, look at all these papers — we’re trying to adopt him. He’s our son. You can’t ask us to chain up our own—’
‘I can and I do. You adopt him, maybe we can forget the chain. Until then — that’s an order of my office, chain him up — or else. I catch him loose on the street, takin’ him in to the pound in Belmontane. They might even destroy him.’
Pa and Ma sat up fretting most of the night, but in the morning there was nothing else to do: Pa went to Sam’s Newer Hardware and bought a twenty-foot chain and a padlock. Ma sat weeping by her African violets. ‘Fetters on a baby!’ she said. ‘Paul, how can we do this to him?’
‘At least he’ll be where we can keep an eye on him. He’ll be safe.’
‘Or she will,’ said Ma, blowing her nose. ‘Couldn’t we just let him or her have one last taste of freedom in the front yard? A minute? Half a minute?’