But I was very irritated. Still am, come to that. I turned back to the window and fumed silently.
Bernard cleared his throat. I think the Cabinet Secretarys due here in a few moments anyway. So shall we get on with the affairs of the nation?
Stuff the affairs of the nation, I replied. I want a cook.
Bernard promised that the matter would be looked into, and ushered in Malcolm Warren, the Number Ten press officer. Hes a big bluff Yorkshireman, a career civil servant but with a sense of the way things are done in the real world. He was appointed by my predecessor in Number Ten, but Ive kept him on because he has an iron grip on the lobby correspondents and the whole Whitehall public relations machine.
I asked him to be brief, as I was due to meet the Cabinet Secretary any moment.
Certainly, Prime Minister. Two things. First, and most important, we should discuss your first TV appearance as Prime Minister.
This is such a big and important subject that I asked him to postpone discussion of it for a day or two, until we have time to go into it thoroughly.
The other thing he wanted to discuss was my official Washington visit. Of course, thats much less important than my first TV appearance.
The one urgent point he wanted to raise was that an awful lot of press want to come with us to Washington. I think thats good. Malcolm was worried about the expense. But I explained to him that this would be a terribly important occasion. I shall be standing there, on the White House lawn, side by side with the President of the United States. There will be national anthems. Photographs of two world leaders together. He will tell the world about our happy relationship, our unity and resolve. Hell probably say a word or two about my own courage and wisdom and statesmanship. And it is essential that, if so, it is fully reported back here in Britain. This sort of publicity is vital to Britain. [Hacker meant that it was vital to him Ed.] Vital to our prestige. [His prestige Ed.] Our place in the world. [His place in the history books Ed.]
Malcolm readily agreed, especially when I told him that, as a matter of policy, I intended that we should have no secrets from the press about this countrys successes. I told him that we must be absolutely frank about my governments achievements. I want fearless honesty about every government triumph.
He understood. He raised the nit-picking point that, as I have only been in office for seven days, there arent all that many triumphs yet. Perfectly true. But there will be.
I also gave him an idea for a good press story: I told him that I had had to make my own lunch today. I asked him if he knew. It appeared that he hadnt been informed of this. So I told him all about it. How theres no cook or housekeeper for the flat upstairs, how Annie has her own job, we cant afford staff, and that it looked as though Id be washing the dishes and washing my socks.
He was a bit slow on the uptake. He couldnt see that there was a good press story in all this. I explained that he could do one along the lines of Jim Hackers not stuck up. He can identify with the problems of ordinary people. That sort of thing.
Malcolm wanted to think about it. We dont want you to seem too ordinary, Prime Minister, even though you are.
Did he mean that the way it sounded? I dont think so, because he continued: What I mean is, that sort of publicity can be counter-productive. You remember when Jimmy Carter was attacked by a rabbit?
I did vaguely remember. He looked a bit of a fool. Also there was that photo of him out jogging, looking as though he was on the point of total collapse. He probably thought it was a good idea to be photographed taking exercise -- but it made the voters think that he was not long for this world. Lost him a lot of support. Maybe Malcolms right to be cautious.
Malcolm amplified his point of view. Perhaps its better that we build you up a bit -- photos of you doing the washing might make you look a bit wet.
I sent him out and Bernard brought Humphrey in. I told him Id been thinking.
Good, he said encouragingly.
Ive been Prime Minister for a week now, I said.
And a very good Prime Minister you are too, if I may say so.
I was pleased. Its always nice to have the approval of ones colleagues, especially if they are as hard-bitten as Humphrey. I told him that I wasnt fishing for compliments. But it has been going well, and Im glad he recognised it.
However, we immediately uncovered our first mistake, or rather their first mistake, and a pretty serious mistake it is too. I remarked, casually, that its nice to be able to reward ones old allies. Was Ron Jones pleased about his peerage? I enquired.
Oh yes, said Bernard. He said his members would be delighted.
I couldnt think what Bernard meant. Members?
The Members of his Union. The National Federation of
I suddenly saw what had happened. I was livid. Not him! I yelled. I meant our backbencher. I wanted to offer the peerage to Ron Jones, not Ron Jones.
Ah, said Bernard. A rather inadequate response, I thought.
We all sat and stared at each other. There was no going back on it now. Bernard tried to make the best of it. If its any consolation to you, Prime Minister, I gather he was awfully pleased.
I bet he was! Pleased -- and amazed! I asked Humphrey what we could do about Ron Joness peerage -- could we give him one too? Humphrey thought not. With respect, Prime Minister, we cant send two Lord Ron Jones to the Upper House -- it'll look like a job lot.
But Ive promised him an honour of some sort. We scratched our heads for a bit. Then Humphrey had an idea. As Ron isnt remotely interested in television, hasnt even got a TV set, were going to make him a Governor of the BBC.
Then we passed on to important matters. I explained to Humphrey that we need a cook-housekeeper in the flat upstairs.
He suggested that I advertise. He was missing the point. I explained that we need a government cook-housekeeper.
Humphrey, as I expected after my talk with Bernard, was not entirely helpful. He said that it could be difficult to get a government cook-housekeeper as Number Ten is a private home which just happens to be in a government building.
I pointed out that I happen to live in it. And therefore -- surprise, surprise! -- happen to eat in it too. It is not unreasonable to want someone to cook my lunch.
No. but its not possible, said Humphrey categorically.
Ive never heard anything so ridiculous. Humphrey was asking me to accept that I have the power to blow up the world but not to ask for scrambled eggs. [It was not in dispute that Hacker had the power to ask for scrambled eggs Ed.]
I explored this nonsense a little further, taking it to its logical conclusion. Suppose I invited the German Ambassador to lunch? I asked.
That would be all right, reflected Humphrey. Official engagement. Government hospitality will gladly provide five courses, with three wines and brandy. No problem.
So what Humphrey was saying was that the German Ambassadors lunch is government business, but my lunch isnt. And not just the German Ambassadors, of course -- any ambassadors.
So, there and then I told Bernard to get the diary out. Then I ordered him to arrange for me to have lunch with the German Ambassador on Monday, with the French Ambassador on Tuesday, and on Wednesday the American Ambassador. Then, not forgetting the Commonwealth, on Thursday I would lunch with the New Zealand High Commissioner. Bernard, how many countries are there in the United Nations?
He knew the answer, of course. One hundred and fifty-eight.
Good, I beamed at Humphrey. Thatll keep me in lunches for about six months. Then well go round again.
Bernard was hurriedly leafing through the diary. Prime Minister, youre not free for lunches with ambassadors every day. Sometimes you will have other official lunches.
Good news, I replied. So much the better. We can just use ambassadors to fill up the blank spaces.