This sounded good too. But Godfrey had still more choices to offer. A sports jacket can be good -- it looks informal and approachable.
I explained to Godfrey that I am all of these things and have all of these qualities.
He was very good. He told me that I didnt have to make an instant decision, and gave me a list of pointers for when I had time to think about it. If you are all these things, then you should emphasise the one youre not. Or the one people are in danger of thinking youre not. So, if youre changing a lot of things, you want to look reassuring and traditional. Therefore you should have a dark suit and an oak-panelled background and leather books. But if youre not doing anything new, youd want a light modern suit and a modern high-tech setting with abstract paintings.
Fiona took Godfrey aside for a little word about my make-up. I had mixed feelings about it al. I must say, it is lovely to be fussed over and pampered, but I could hear the whole whispered conversation between them -- which I think was not meant for my ears.
Godfrey, are you happy about the grey hair or shall we darken it?
No, its fine.
And the receding hairline?
Receding what? I said, to indicate that I could hear them perfectly clearly.
Godfrey swung around. High forehead, he said.
Fine.
The next bit didnt please me all that much either, but Godfrey had warned me when he took on the job that he would have to be absolutely frank and honest with me or he wouldnt be of any help. He and Fiona stared at me in person, then on the monitor, then back at me again. Um, Fiona can you do something about the eyes? Make them look less close-set?
Sure. She could see no problem. Nor could I. And shall I lighten the bags underneath, and darken the pallid cheeks? He nodded. The biggest problem is the nose.
I intervened. The nose?
Godfrey reassured me that there was no problem with my nose per se. It was just a lighting problem. There was a large shadow from somewhere, apparently.
Id had enough of all this. I told them I wanted to get on with the rehearsal. But Godfrey asked Fiona if she had any other problems, reassuring me that all of this was in my interest: the better I look on television, the better chance I have of winning the next election. Hes right, of course.
Theres just the teeth, of course, said Fiona, and turned to me. Would you smile, Prime Minister?
I smiled. They stared at me, gloomily. Then Godfrey sighed. Yes, he said, in a tone of deep melancholy. And he strolled over to my desk. Prime Minister, how would you feel about a little dental work?
I didnt feel very good about it at all.
But Godfrey was rather insistent. Just a little tooth straightening. People do pick on these things. And it did wonders for Harold Wilson. Look. Fiona handed me two photos of Wilson, before and after his dental work.
Ill make an appointment for next week.
So we began again. I sat back, but not too far back. I spoke in a deep voice, moved my face and eyebrows a little, and read at a variable speed: We shall of course be reviewing a wide range of options over the whole field of government expenditure and I realised that this was exactly what Id started out with!
I was getting irritated. I told Bernard that we seemed to be going round in circles.
Prime Minister, he said, I do think that this is the most suitable, most appropriate
Most meaningless, I interjected.
He begged leave to differ. Not exactly meaningless, Prime Minister. More non-committal.
I was beginning to despair of ever getting it together. I asked Godfrey for his opinion on the material.
He wouldnt give it, of course. I dont blame him. Its not his problem. Its up to you, of course, Prime Minister, he said, returning the ball firmly to my court. All I can say is that, if thats what you want to say, I suggest a very modern suit. And a high-tech background and a high-energy yellow wallpaper with abstract paintings. Everything to disguise the absence of anything new in the actual speech.
I told him that I might go back to the original speech.
Then, said Godfrey obligingly, its the dark suit and the oak panelling.
Bernard was quite extraordinarily upset at my suggestion that I might go back to the old version. Prime Minister, I do earnestly beg you to reconsider.
I decided that the moment had come to make my position plain. I told him, told them all, that as this is my first broadcast as PM it is imperative that it deals with an important subject. I cant just go on the air and waffle. My speech must have impact.
Bernard said that he agreed wholeheartedly (which he didnt, by the way) but couldnt I make a speech on a less controversial subject. I explained that, by definition, less controversial subjects have less impact than more controversial subjects.
Surely some less controversial subjects have impact?
Such as? I waited for his suggestions with interest.
Well litter! Was he being serious? A stinging attack on people who drop litter. Or safer driving. Or saving energy. Lots of subjects.
I made my own suggestion. I told him to save some energy himself.
Godfrey raised one final matter. The opening music. The same rules apply apparently: Bach for new ideas, Stravinsky for no change.
I suggested to Godfrey that it might be appropriate if we used music by British composers. Something that reflects my image. He seemed to like that idea. Elgar, perhaps?
Yes, I said, but not Land of Hope and Glory.
How about the Enigma Variations? said Bernard. I silenced him with a look.
[Three days later Bernard Woolley sent a note to Sir Humphrey Appleby, about the content of Hackers television speech. Fortunately this came to light amongst the documents released under the Thirty Year Rule. We reproduce the original below Ed.]
10 Downing Street
From the Principal Private Secretary
February 13
Dear Humphrey,
Im afraid the TV appearance looks unpromising.
The Prime Minister has ordered a dark suit and oak panelling. This means that he is planning to say something new and radical on the air, hence the need for a traditional, conventional, reassuring image.
I know that this will cause you some concern, but he is very keen on it.
Yours ever,
B.W.
[Bernard Woolley received this reply on the following day Ed.]
70 Whitehall, London SW1A 2AS
From the Secretary of the Cabinet and Head of the Home Civil Service
February 14
Dear Bernard,
The Prime Ministers intention to discuss his so-called Grand Design on television is a matter of the utmost concern.
The fact that he is very keen on it is neither here nor there. Things dont happen just because Prime Ministers are keen on them. Neville Chamberlain was very keen on peace.
This is precisely what we had hoped you would avoid. Why has this happened?
Yours ever,
HA.
[Bernard Woolley immediately sent a brief note in reply Ed.]
10 Downing Street
From the Principal Private Secretary
February 14
Dear Humphrey,
The explanation is that the Prime Minister thinks that his Grand Design is a vote-winner.
The party has had an opinion poll done. It seems that the voters are in favour of bringing back National Service.
Yours ever,
B.W.
SIR BERNARD WOOLLEY RECALLS [in conversation with the Editors]:
Yes, I remember that exchange of notes. Humphrey Appleby was not at all pleased that I had failed to have Hackers speech watered down, in spite of my best efforts.
He asked me to drop in on him in the Cabinet Office, to discuss the situation. He was most interested in the party opinion poll, which I had seen as an insuperable obstacle to changing the Prime Ministers mind.