He seemed to understand, but was still arguing. Yes, Prime Minister, but what about waiting?
I lost my temper and shouted at him, No, Bernard, right away!
It still wasnt clear to him. Desperately he stood his ground. Yes, Prime Minister, I realise you mean at once, no waiting, but what I mean is, where will people wait if there is no waiting room to wait in?
I saw what he meant. It was just a simple misunderstanding, thats all. But his question was still pretty daft. The whole building is full of waiting rooms, I pointed out. All the state rooms upstairs, hardly ever used. And then theres the lobby, here! I indicated my desk.
Bernard looked blank. Where?
There, I said. Look. Between the ashtray, the cup and the saucer.
He looked at the desk, then back to me, wide-eyed with confusion.
Between the coffee cup and the saucer?
Hes so dense sometimes. The saucer is the gents loo, Bernard, I told him. Wake up!
I sometimes wonder if Bernards mind is agile enough for this job.
SIR BERNARD WOOLLEY RECALLS [in conversation with the Editors]:
Naturally I immediately acted upon the Prime Ministers instructions. I had no axe to grind, it was Sir Humphrey who had insisted that Mrs. Wainwright was moved away from her strategic position overlooking the lobby outside the Cabinet Room.
The following day Humphrey phoned me and instructed me to explain myself or withdraw the instructions. I told him that there was nothing to explain -- it seemed a matter of minor significance.
An hour later a note arrived from him, written in his own hand.
[Sir Bernard was kind enough to lend us the note from Sir Humphrey. We print it below Ed.]
Cabinet Office
28/ii
Bernard,
There is everything to explain. We have striven for years to get that impossible woman out of that office, and now you snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.
The fact that the PM requested it is neither here nor there. You do not have to grant every little request from the Prime Minister. You have to explain that some of them are not in his own best interests. Most of them, in fact.
Our job is to see that the PM is not confused. Politicians are simple people. They like simple choices, and clear guidance. They do not like doubt and conflict. And that woman makes him doubt everything we tell him.
HA
P.S. Please destroy this letter immediately.
[Fortunately for historians Bernard did not obey Sir Humphreys instruction to destroy the letter. Nor did he immediately withdraw the instructions to change Mrs. Wainwrights office Ed.]
SIR BERNARD WOOLLEY RECALLS [in conversation with the Editors]:
No, indeed I didnt. I felt it was my duty to argue the Prime Ministers case. So Humphrey popped over to the Private Office to discuss it further. He wasnt pleased that I was taking an independent view.
I told him, quite simply, that Mr Hacker liked Mrs Wainwright. This argument did not impress him. Samson liked Delilah, he commented. Fortunately, the Private Office was deserted. Humphrey had wisely chosen to come to talk to me at the end of the day when all the others had gone home.
I took a strong line with him. I told him that she was not dangerous, in my opinion. For a start, she didnt know very much of what was going on; we had always been careful to keep most of the important documents away from her.
This did not satisfy Humphrey. He reminded me, quite accurately, that we in the Civil Service were duty-bound to ensure the sound government of Britain. Whereas Mrs Wainwrights sole duty was to see that mr Hacker was re-elected.
I rather felt that if Hacker governed Britain well he would be re-elected, and that this was the nub of the disagreement. Appleby maintained, to the end of his days, that good decisions and popular decisions were not only not necessarily the same, but that they hardly ever coincided. His belief was that if Hacker took right or necessary decisions he would lose by a landslide. Therefore, every time we moved Hacker towards a right decision, she would inevitably respond by warning him of potential loss of votes, making our job impossible.
Briefly, therefore, Applebys thesis was that it was necessary to keep politics out of government. And, by extension, to keep Dorothy Wainwright in the attic.
As he explained this last point the double doors behind him opened and Dorothy Wainwright stepped out of the Cabinet Room. Sir Humphrey handled it with his usual aplomb.
Ah, good evening, dear lady, he said as he swung around. This is indeed a pleasure.
She was unimpressed. Hullo, Humphrey. Waiting to see the Prime Minister?
Indeed I am, dear lady.
Why arent you in the waiting room?
He had no answer. I thought it was extremely funny but, as always, I had to hold my amusement.
Humphrey turned on me, determined to exert his authority some other way. He informed me that an alien had been admitted to Number Ten the day before. The alien turned out to be the Prime Ministers constituency agent, who had been allowed in without a security pass.
He was simply being petty. The policemen outside all knew the man. There was no risk. Nonetheless, Humphrey reminded me -- in a slightly humiliating manner -- that it was my duty to ensure that everyone who came to the front door must either show their Number Ten pass or have an appointment.
Mrs Wainwright was listening to this conversation, and it did nothing to improve her opinion of Sir Humphrey. Excuse me butting in, Bernard, she said, but the Prime Minister asked me to make the necessary arrangements with you for moving my room back.
I was embarrassed. Humphrey gave me a penetrating stare and waited for me to refuse her. I couldnt see how I could refuse, if the PM had made the request.
I tried to prevaricate, and told her that I just had to deal with Sir Humphreys request concerning security passes. She said Humphreys request could wait. He said that it couldnt. She said that it could!
Humphrey turned his back on her and walked into the Cabinet Room to see the PM.
I must say that in all my years in Whitehall I have never seen such direct rudeness as I saw when Sir Humphrey was faced with Mrs. Wainwright. I wonder if it was because she was so forthright herself -- she certainly didnt pull her punches, as Hackers diaries reveal. Humphrey obviously disliked her very much indeed -- and, if he didnt have cause to initially, he certainly had eventually.
[Hackers diary continues Ed.]
February 28th
I was dictating letters in the Cabinet Room today after a meeting with Dorothy. She was a little fed up that her office had not been moved back downstairs yet, but it was only yesterday that I gave the go-ahead for it. She felt sure that there was opposition from the Civil Service and I felt she was being paranoid again.
No sooner had she left than I heard slightly raised voices in the private office. Then Humphrey appeared. I understand you are having second thoughts about our office reorganization, he said.
No, I replied. Ive simply decided to put Dorothy back in her old office.
That, alas, is impossible.
Nonsense, I retorted, and switched on my dictating machine preparatory to writing a letter.
But he didnt drop it. No Prime Minister, the whole reorganization hinges on her moving out.
I couldnt see why. I told him it was only a waiting room.
Not only a waiting room, he disagreed firmly, and strolled down the room towards me. A vital square on the board.
People can wait in the lobby, I said, unaware that my dictating machine was recording us. Or the state rooms.