He was getting rattled now. Quite impossible, he replied firmly. The Treasury already has far too much power -- er, work.
I was relentless. You see, I said, with you doing promotions and them doing pay and rations, the lines of authority are unclear. Its all rather unsatisfactory. A serious anomaly.
Humphrey saw an opening. His eyes lit up. Well, in that case I could take over pay and rations too.
Nice try, Humphrey, I thought. I shook my head sorrowfully. On top of all your other burdens? Plus these you plan to assume? No, Humphrey, I cant allow you to make that sort of sacrifice.
He was getting desperate. Its no sacrifice. No trouble at all!
For once in his life he was probably telling the truth. Humphrey, you are too noble, I replied. But I can see through your arguments.
He eyed me like a frightened ferret. You can?
Youre trying to sacrifice yourself, I said gently, to save me from worry, arent you?
He was nonplussed. He couldnt figure out the safe answer, the answer that would get him what he wanted. Oh, he said. Er yes. Um, no, he went on. Its really no sacrifice, he concluded.
I was now bored with my game. So I told him a final no.
But Humphrey needed to know the answers to his other proposals, chiefly those concerning the Think Tank.
The more I think about it, Humphrey, I said, the more I realise that you already have too much on your plate. In fact, I dont want to keep you here any longer when you must have so much to do in your office.
He couldnt quite believe his ears. Had he been dismissed? I decided to clarify his position. You may now leave. If youre needed again in Number Ten, youll be sent for.
He stood up, then paused to correct me. You mean when.
I smiled apologetically. I mean when, I agreed. He turned towards the door. And if, I added mischievously.
He froze for a moment, then walked to the doors. As he left the room I made sure that he heard me pick up the intercom and ask Bernard to get Sir Frank over to see me as soon as possible.
March 2nd
Sir Frank was tied up yesterday, so I spoke to him on the phone.
Frank, I said, I just want to sound you out about something. Its about Humphrey. Im wondering if hes got too much on his plate.
As I expected, Frank assured me that Humphrey could manage splendidly, is tremendously able, is not overstretched, and has everything perfectly under control with no problem at all.
Then I indicated that the reason I was asking was because of Humphreys role as Head of the Civil Service. I wondered, I said, if Frank could do some of Humphreys job.
It will come as no great surprise to any reader that Frank said not one single word more about Humphreys great ability. Instead he remarked that such a proposal could make a lot of sense.
I asked him to come to meet me tomorrow and, meanwhile, would he note down on paper his precise thoughts as to whether or not Humphrey is overstretched and send them over to me.
An hour later his thoughts arrived, duly noted. These are they:
HM Treasury
Permanent Secretary
March 2
Dear Prime Minister,
When I said that HA was not overstretched, I was of course talking in the sense of total cumulative loading taken globally rather than in respect of certain individual and essentially anomalous responsibilities which are not, logically speaking, consonant or harmonious with the broad spectrum of intermeshing and inseparable functions and could indeed be said to place an excessive and supererogatory burden on the office when considered in relation to the comparatively exiguous advantages of their overall consideration.
Yours ever,
Frank
I read it carefully several times. My conclusion: he could do part of Humphreys job.
March 3rd
Frank came to see me today. But we never had the meeting.
When he arrived, I instructed Bernard to see that Humphrey did not interrupt us. I wanted complete confidentiality.
Bernard said: Ill do my best.
Your best may not be good enough, I told him. Oh, my prophetic soul!
I had seen Dorothy first thing this morning. She had reminded me that, technically, Sir Humphrey is supposed to phone us from the Cabinet Office before coming through the green-baize door to Number Ten.
I checked this with Bernard. He was hesitant. Perhaps that is right in theory, Prime Minister, but in reality its just a formality.
Good, I said. Humphrey likes formality.
Bernard agreed, but with reluctance. Yes, Prime Minister, but as they say it is a custom more honoured in the breach than in the observance.
I am really fed up with Bernard, Humphrey, Frank, the lot of them. Why must they all express themselves in such a pompous and roundabout manner? All this rot about customs being honoured in the breach Why do they distort and destroy the most beautiful language in the world, the language of Shakespeare? [Hacker was apparently unaware that Bernard was quoting Shakespeare: Hamlet , Act I, Scene iv Ed.]
SIR BERNARD WOOLLEY RECALLS [in conversation with the Editors]:
That day was a turning-point in my life and my career. I had never realised that my new post as Principal Private Secretary to the Prime Minister gave me the opportunity to assert my strength and independence from my old boss. It came as a revelation, a blinding flash, the road to Damascus!
I had just shown Sir Frank Gordon into the Cabinet Room and returned to the Private Office.
I dialled Humphreys number on the phone.
I heard Humphreys voice, loud and clear. Yes?
Ah, Sir Humphrey, I said.
Yes, he said again, and I realised that the reason his voice was so loud and clear was because it was right behind me. He had entered the room.
Bernard here, I said stupidly. Well, I was flustered.
So I see, he replied. I replaced the receiver.
Just the person I wanted to talk to, I said, still very worried by his close proximity to Mr Hackers secret meeting.
Well here I am, in person. Even better, he said.
Yes and no, I said. I was chattering on meaninglessly, saying that I wanted to have a word with him, which was why I was telephoning him, why else? And finally I managed to say that the Prime Minister had asked me to remind him that it might be more convenient if he were to phone through from the Cabinet Office before popping over to see us in Number Ten.
Humphrey assured me that it was not inconvenient.
Yes it is, I said.
No its not, he said.
And, much too firmly, I said: Yes it is!
He stared at me. Then, suddenly very cool, he asked if the PM was busy.
I had to say that he was. Humphrey wanted to know with what. I tried being vague, and muttered that he was doing his paperwork. Humphrey really frightened me, you know, in those days.
Humphrey said that if it was only paperwork he could pop in and have a word with the PM. I was forced to admit that the PM was doing his paperwork with somebody.
Sir Humphrey eyed me carefully. It was clear to him that I was being less than frank with him, and perhaps completely mendacious. You mean, hes having a meeting? I nodded. With whom, Bernard? he rasped.
I think he knew already. Its been in the air for two days now. No sooner had I admitted that the PM was meeting the Permanent Secretary of the Treasury than Sir Humphrey was through the doors into the Cabinet Room like a ferret up a pair of trousers. I couldnt possibly have stopped him -- my reflexes just werent quick enough.
[Hackers diary continues Ed.]
However, immediately I started to talk seriously to Sir Frank Gordon, Humphrey barged in. I asked him what he wanted. I was not welcoming. He said he was checking to see if he could be of service. I asked him if Bernard had told him I was in a meeting. Bernard nodded vigorously in the open doorway. Humphrey admitted this was so.