I challenged him. Humphrey, are you saying Britain should not be on the side of law and justice?
No, no, of course we should, he answered emphatically. We just shouldnt allow it to affect our foreign policy, thats all. He is completely amoral.
We should always fight for the weak against the strong.
Oh really? He was using his snide voice. Then why dont we send troops to Afghanistan, to fight the Russians?
That was totally below the belt. I didnt bother to answer him. The Russians are too strong, obviously. In my opinion it didnt alter the validity of my argument, and I told him so. I instructed him to send assurances to the democratically elected Prime Minister of St Georges Island that Britain will stand by him.
Humphrey stood up. Perhaps you wish to discuss this with the Foreign Secretary.
Ill tell him, if thats what you mean, I replied coldly, and indicated that he could go. He had not been a great help. I sent for Bernard, and was forced to ask him a very embarrassing question. Where exactly is St Georges Island?
To my great relief and greater pleasure I realised that he didnt know either. Um shall we look at the globe? he said. Theres one in your Private Office.
We hurried down the grand circular staircase, decorated with photographs of past prime ministers, past the chattering tickertape, and into the Private Office. There were some clerks around. None of the other private secretaries were in there except Luke. Hes the Foreign Affairs Private Secretary. He is the most Aryan-looking chap Ive ever seen -- tall, slim, blond -- rather attractive actually, if he didnt have such a superior and patronising manner. Which really doesnt suit a man only in his late thirties.
He stood up as I came in, immaculate as ever in his perfectly pressed double-breasted grey-flannel suit. I wished him a good afternoon. He returned the compliment.
Bernard and I went straight to the globe, and Bernard pointed to a spot in the middle of the Arabian Sea -- which is the part of the Indian Ocean which is close to the Persian Gulf.
The Persian Gulf is the lifeline of the West, said Bernard. Now look, he went on, pointing to the land mass lying due north of the Arabian Sea. There is Afghanistan, which is now under Soviet control. If the Soviets ever took Pakistan
Which they wouldnt, interrupted Luke smoothly. I was suddenly aware that he had joined us at the globe and was standing right behind us.
But if they did, Bernard persisted, pointing to Pakistan which lies on the coast, south of Afghanistan and north of the Arabian Sea, the Soviets would then control the Persian Gulf, the Arabian Sea, and the Indian Ocean. And the Soviets have always wanted what they call a warm-water port.
Luke smiled a superior smile. Theres no risk. They wouldnt invade Pakistan and anyway the Americans have a fleet permanently stationed here. He pointed to the Indian Ocean.
I turned to Luke and asked him, with his Foreign Affairs expertise, to tell me why the Americans are so worried about St Georges. Is it because of the threat of Libyan and Soviet-backed guerrillas?
Luke said that we must remember that the front-line African states -- and he pointed to the East African coast which also borders on the Indian Ocean -- would be frightfully miffed if we interfered.
Do they like Communist guerrillas? I asked.
They dont mind them, Luke told me. Most of their governments started as Communist guerrillas. It can be argued that the guerrillas have the support of the people of St Georges Island.
Who argues that? I asked.
The guerrillas, said Bernard drily.
Luke emphasised that as we have a lot of trade with the front-line African states we dont want to upset them. When I suggested that we should be fighting for freedom and democracy on St Georges Island, he sniggered and told me snootily that its all rather more complicated than that, and that the Foreign Office took the view that we should do nothing. But the Foreign Office always takes the view that we should do nothing.
He then had the temerity to lecture me on peaceful coexistence. He said that the Americans can be too aggressive -- well, we all know that. And he quoted his Permanent Secretarys view that the opposite of peaceful coexistence is a warlike non-existence. The old FO appeasement line again.
Then, to my surprise, Bernard suddenly said that he wanted to have an urgent word with me about home affairs. I told him to wait but he started nodding and winking in a most peculiar way. At first I thought he was developing a nervous tick, then I realised that his back was to Luke and he was indicating that he wanted a private word with me.
We went into the Cabinet Room next door, and Bernard carefully shut the doors behind us.
I dont want to be disloyal or anything, he said in virtually a whisper, but I didnt really feel it was an awfully good idea to continue that conversation in front of Luke.
Luke? Why not?
Security, whispered Bernard.
I was astounded. Hes your colleague. One of my Private Secretaries. How could MI5 allow such a thing?
Bernard corrected me hastily. No, Prime Minister, hes not that sort of security risk. Its just that he works for the Foreign Office.
This was a revelation! Id always thought that Luke worked for me. But it turns out that he is not only my man from the Foreign Office, hes also their man in Number Ten. In other words, hes a plant!
I understood this. But the implications were considerable. And worrying. It confirmed, definitely, what Id been suspecting for a while.
Bernard, I said, tiptoeing away from the doors in case Luke had his ear to them, Do you mean that the Foreign Office is keeping something from me?
Yes, he replied without hesitation.
What? I asked.
I dont know, he said helplessly. Theyre keeping it from me too.
Then how do you know?
Bernard was confused. I dont.
I began to get irritated. You just said you did.
No, I just said I didnt.
What the hell was he talking about? I was now boiling with frustration. You said they were keeping things from me -- how do you know if you DONT KNOW??
Bernard was beginning to look desperate. I dont know specifically what, Prime Minister, but I do know the Foreign Office always keeps everything from everybody. Its normal practice.
So who would know? I asked.
Bernard thought for a moment. Then he gave me the full benefit of his education and training. May I just clarify the question? Youre asking who would know what it is that I dont know and you dont know but the Foreign Office know that they know, that they are keeping from you so that you dont know but they do know, and all we know is that there is something we dont know and we want to know but we dont know what because we dont know. I just stared at him in silence. Is that it? he asked.
I took a deep breath. It was that, or grabbing him by the lapels and shaking him senseless. May I clarify the question? I asked. Who knows Foreign Office secrets apart from the Foreign Office?
Ah, thats easy, said Bernard. Only the Kremlin.
[Bernard Woolley sent notes to both Sir Humphrey Appleby and Sir Richard Wharton, asking for a meeting on the subject of St Georges Island. Whartons letter in reply was kept by Sir Bernard Woolley in his private papers and given to us for this edition of the Hacker diaries Ed.]
Foreign and Commonwealth Office
London SW1A 2AH
18th April
Dear Bernard
I shall be happy to attend your meeting tomorrow. This bit of bother of St. Georges is getting to be a bit of a bore.
For your own background information, I believe that we made the real mistake twenty years ago when we gave them their independence.
Of course, with the wind of change and all that, independence was inevitable. But we should have partitioned the island as we did in India and Cyprus and Palestine and Ireland. This was our invariable practice when we gave independence to the colonies, and I cant think why we varied it. It always worked.