Jim, you have an airborne battalion on standby in Germany that is not now wanted for NATO exercises.
How do you know? I said.
I know, he said. He seemed very confident. And if you sent it to St Georges it would frighten East Yemen off. They would never invade. But, of course, its not for the Israeli Ambassador to advise the British Prime Minister.
His eyes were crinkling humorously. I grinned back at him. And he wouldnt take your advice anyway, I said, as I hurried to the phone to take his advice.
I told the switchboard to get me the Foreign Secretary and the Defence Secretary in that order. While I waited for them to be found, I speculated as to why the FO hadnt covered themselves on this. They usually do. I had been through all my boxes tonight, except one. So I rummaged about in it, and near the bottom was a very thick file labelled Northern Indian Ocean: Situation Report. I realised that this was probably it. I counted the pages: 128. I knew that this was it! But Ill have to go through it with a fine tooth comb before tomorrow.
Duncan came through on the blower. I told him that I wanted the President of St Georges Island to invite Britain to send an airborne battalion for a goodwill visit. As a friendly gesture.
He saw no objection. Of course not -- he doesnt quite understand whats going on either. He did remark that 800 paratroopers armed to the teeth is an awful lot for a goodwill visit. I told him its just an awful lot of goodwill!
Then Paul [Paul Sidgwick, the Secretary of State for Defense] came on the line. Its amazing how quickly the system can track us all down. I was inspired. I told him that as we have an airborne battalion on standby in Germany I want it sent off to St Georges. He was a bit awkward. He wanted to know how I knew we had a battalion on standby. Bloody cheek! I told him I knew, thats all!
He wanted to know where St Georges was. Extraordinary ignorance. I told him sort of between Africa and India and to look on a map. Not that it matters to him where it is.
He was also sceptical that it was for purely a show-the-flag goodwill visit. I assured him that wed been invited, and told him to give orders to leave in six hours. I explained that it was an instant goodwill visit.
Finally, I told him to tell the press that it is a routine visit. He amended it to routine surprise visit, which was all right by me. He asked how to explain it all, and I suggested he say that we were invited earlier but the NATO exercises prevented us accepting the invitation -- and now theyre not needed in Germany, theyre going to St Georges instead.
He was still stalling, this time on the ludicrous grounds that the story isnt true. I pointed out that nobody knows its not true and in any case press statements arent delivered under oath. I rang off after telling him theyd better be airborne by midnight or else.
Its now one a.m., as I dictate these notes. The troops did leave before midnight -- I checked. I feel completely invigorated, not at all tired, fresh as daisy, very excited -- quite Napoleonic, in fact.
I thanked David Bilu for his help. He was impressed. You wont only frighten the Yemenis, youll terrify the Foreign Office, he said as he departed discreetly into the night through a side door.
Hes right. And Im looking forward to it. The Foreign Office is a hotbed of cold feet.
April 20th
My victory was complete today. I didnt sleep well, I was too excited. So I was already busy in my usual place in the Cabinet Room when Humphrey arrived.
It hasnt taken long for the FO to let him know what was going on, for Humphrey came straight in to see me.
I gather, he said, in a voice pregnant with malice, that theres an airborne battalion in the air.
Sounds like the best place for it, I said with a grin.
He stared at me coldly. I gather its on the way to St Georges, he said.
Yes, its due to land in a couple of hours, actually, I confirmed.
He was not mollified by my engagingly frank manner. Quite, he said nastily. Isnt this all rather sudden?
I nodded cheerfully. Yes, I had a sudden friendly impulse, Humphrey, I said. I wanted to spread some goodwill.
Theres not a lot of goodwill at the Foreign Office this morning, he growled.
Really? I said, pretending innocence. Why not?
It could be construed as provocative, flying a fully-armed airborne battalion in to a trouble spot like that. Explosive situation.
I picked him up immediately on the word explosive. But Humphrey, you told me there were no problems there.
He tried to get out of this corner hed painted himself into. Yes. No. There arent. No problems at all. But its explosive potentially. Moving troops around.
Come, come, Humphrey. I was openly amused now. Were always moving troops around Salisbury Plain. Is that potentially explosive?
Bernard intervened, trying to save Humphreys face. I think. Theres a lot of unexploded shells on Salisbury Plain.
I thanked Bernard for his contribution, and politely invited Humphrey to explain precisely what the Foreign Office was worried about. I was fascinated to see how it would be argued.
Its a very sensitive part of the world, he began.
But theyve been telling me how stable it is.
Again he was stuck. Oh, it is. Yes, yes, it is. His eyes narrowed. But its a very unstable sort of stability.
Luke came in just then, with the box of Foreign Office telegrams. His lips were so tight-set that they had virtually disappeared. With frigid politeness he set the box down in front of me. I opened it. Ooh, rather a lot, I said with feigned surprise. I looked at Luke for his comments.
Yes, the, er, somewhat unorthodox visit to St Georges seems to have stirred things up, he said thinly. [Somewhat unorthodox was Foreign Office code for irresponsible and idiotic Ed.]
The first telegram contained the best news: East Yemen was moving its troops back to base. They decided not to invade West Yemen after all? I said to Luke, who nodded grimly. I knew that he knew, and he knew that I knew that he knew that I knew.
The next telegram was from the White House expressing delight at our goodwill visit. I showed it to Humphrey.
And look, I pointed to the relevant passage. They say they have a whole airborne division ready if we want reinforcements.
Reinforcements of what? he challenged me.
I was unmoved. Reinforcements of goodwill, Humphrey, I said with charm.
Humphrey could contain himself no longer. Prime Minister, may I ask where the impulse for this escapade came from?
Of course you may, Humphrey, I replied. It came from Luke.
Humphrey didnt know whether to believe me or not. He turned to Luke, who had gone ashen.
From me? gasped Luke, horror-struck.
I produced the 128-page file, Northern Indian Ocean: Situation Report, and flourished it at him. You put together this masterly report, didnt you?
Luke was beginning to panic. He swallowed. Yes, but it was arguing that we neednt do anything.
I gave him a conspiratorial smile, told him he couldnt fool me, and that I could read between the lines. I told him that the one small paragraph on page 107 (which I know hed only put in to cover himself, in the least obtrusive way possible) had made it quite clear that St Georges needed urgent support. I took the hint, I said. Thank you. And Ive given you full credit, and told the Foreign Secretary to tell Sir Richard Wharton that it was your prompt warning that sparked off the whole military manoeuvre. This, at least, was true -- I had told the Foreign Secretary to make it known that this was Lukes idea.
Luke was desperate, and so anxious to defend himself that he couldnt possibly think of blaming the Israeli Ambassador, the obvious tip-off man. No, no, it wasnt me, he cried. You havent!
And I dont think Im giving away any secrets when I say you are to be rewarded, I said in my most avuncular voice. You are being sent as ambassador to a very important embassy. Straightaway!