The Master added that the Dean hates intrigue and does not like politicians. For a ghastly moment I thought that the Master was suggesting that I am a politician. I decided that we had spent enough time discussing their distorted vision of my personal qualities, and asked to know more about the Dean.
The Bursar explained that the Dean is paranoid that the Master and the Bursar are intriguing about this matter behind his back. Which is why they decided to discuss it with me while hes away. They made two matters quite clear: first, that they do not go in for intrigue; second, that the only way I can become Master of Baillie is if they can dump the Dean.
This could be a problem. The Dean is a lazy bugger. He only has to do four hours work a week, give one lecture and a couple of tutorials -- and he has tenure for life. They say that he only has two interests: cricket and steam engines. He never has to read a new book or think a new thought, so being an Oxford don is the perfect job for him. Why would he ever move?
The Master and the Bursar have concluded that only a bishopric would get him away from Baillie and they were wondering about the Diocese of Bury St Edmunds, which is up for grabs.
It is a very appealing Diocese. It is one of the old ones, with a seat in the Lords. This, I know, would appeal greatly to the Dean. In my observation of him, his principal hobby is sucking up to the aristocracy.
Unfortunately, Im not sure if I can do anything about getting Bury St Edmunds for the Dean. Its rather late in the day. Furthermore, as I explained to them, the Church is looking for a candidate to maintain the balance between those who believe in God and those who dont.
It comes as a surprise to many, including the Master and the Bursar, to learn that many people in the church do not believe in God, including most of the bishops.
Bury St Edmunds is sewn up. It has been arranged by the Church that Canon Mike Stanford will get the job. In theory Hacker has to recommend the appointment. But the Church customarily puts up the candidate they want plus an impossible second candidate, to ensure that the PM has no real choice.
Furthermore, the Dean has done enough public service even to qualify for Bury St Edmunds.
But this is a serious matter for my own future, especially as there are no other dioceses coming free in the near future. Bishops dont retire as often as they should. The older appointees dont have to retire at sixty, and bishops tend to live long lives -- apparently the Lord is not all that keen for them to join Him. 'Hon hoi theoi philousin apothneeskei neos [Menander: Those whom the gods love die young Ed.], which perhaps explains why bishops live to a ripe old age.
We concentrated on the only hopeful line of attack: more public service for the Dean. He is an expert on Islamic studies, and he loves the Arabs. One of his few good qualities. I had a flash of inspiration: I suggested that the Master gets his bishop to send him to Qumran to intercede on behalf of that nurse. They were delighted with the idea.
It is a situation in which we cannot lose. If he fails, he has at least tried. If he succeeds, he will be a hero. And if he doesnt come back he wont be missed.
I wouldnt want to go there, though. Its an awful country. They cut peoples hands off for theft, and women get stoned when they commit adultery. Unlike Britain, where women commit adultery when they get stoned.
He might even come back with certain parts missing.
Look, no hands!
[Appleby Papers 42/43/12 BD]
[Hackers diary continues Ed.]
June 6th
A meeting with Peter Harding, the Appointments Secretary. Hes about sixty, and hes a quietly confident sort of chap. Very sound, apparently.
I was a little hesitant because Ive never appointed a bishop before. [Recommended the appointment to the Sovereign Ed.]
There were two candidates. First, Canon Mike Stanford. Michael, I suppose, though it seems they all call him Mike. People never called bishops Mike when I was a kid! Not in public, anyway. Perhaps hes called Mike because hes always on the radio.
Peter told me that Mike is a Modernist. This was new terminology to me. A theological term, Prime Minister. It seems that he accepts that some of the events described in the Bible are not literally true -- he sees them as metaphors, legends or myths. He is interested in the spiritual and philosophical truth behind the stories.
I expressed it my way, to be sure I understood. You mean, he doesnt think God created the world in seven days, or that Eve came out of Adams rib, that sort of thing?
Peter was delighted. It seems its that sort of thing exactly, which sounds very sensible. The only other things Peter said I need to know about Mike Stanford are that he went to Winchester and New College, Oxford, and his name is first on the list. And, added Peter, he has an eminently suitable wife.
You mean shes devout and full of good works? I asked.
He was surprised. No, I mean shes the daughter of the Earl of Dorchester.
Now it was my turn to be surprised. So what? I wondered. I asked him who was second on the list.
Well second is Dr Paul Harvey.
And I waited. But Peter seemed reluctant to say more.
And? I prompted him.
Well, hes an admirable man, said Peter. This was damning with praise if I ever heard it. Peter was staring at his shoes.
But? I wanted an explanation.
Peter sighed, then looked me straight in the eye. Of course, its your choice, Prime Minister. But there is a suspicion that he tends towards disestablishmentarianism.
Ah, I said knowledgeably, then realised to my embarrassment that I wasnt absolutely sure what he meant. I asked him for details.
Its the view that the Church of England shouldnt be part of the state. Some people feel it should be separate, like Methodists or Catholics. They think ordinary people feel the established church is a club for the ruling classes, not a faith.
He sounded like an awfully good chap to me, and I said so. But Peter maintained a pained silence. So I asked him what was the matter.
Well, its entirely up to you, of course, Prime Minister. But I suspect that Her Majesty might be a little surprised if you asked her to appoint a man who believes she should be made to break her Coronation vow to defence the church.
Fair enough. But then why is he on the list at all? Peter prevaricated. He explained that Harvey is not exactly a card-carrying disestablishmentarian yet. Its just the way his mind seems to be moving. But as a result of the discussions his name emerged. His health may be suspect too. Also hes getting on a bit.
One thing is clear to me: someone is bad-mouthing him! Or else he was never a suitable candidate to start with. In any case, this is not what I call a choice. Youre saying I can choose Canon Stanford or Canon Stanford, I said to Peter.
No, he replied blandly. Its entirely your decision. But in this case, may I suggest, quite an easy one. He refused to admit anything. His face was expressionless. Prime Minister, the Commission is offering you the two names which emerged.
Was there an open election? I asked.
He tut-tutted impatiently. There cant be an open election. Bishops are seen as part of the apostolic succession.
Not being a churchgoer, I asked for an explanation.
Its Gods will. When Judas Iscariot blotted his copybook he had to be replaced. They let the Holy Ghost decide.
I was mystified. How did he make his views known?
By drawing lots, said Peter.
So cant we let the Holy Ghost decide this time? I asked, looking for a way out of this awkward decision.