Peter and Bernard looked at each other. Clearly my suggestion was not on. Bernard tried to explain. No one, he said, is confident that the Holy Ghost would understand what makes a good Church of England bishop.
I asked how this choice emerged. Peter informed me enigmatically that soundings were taken.
Peter, I said with a smile. When I was a student I used to play poker. I can recognise a stacked deck when I see one.
Bernard stood up, and reminded me that I was due to meet Sir Humphrey. He suggested that Peter and I continue the discussion tomorrow. Peter looked thankful and left.
While Humphrey came in and I poured end-of-day drinks, Bernard went off to get Mike Stanfords career details, having whispered to me that appointing Mike Stanford might be a bit of an own goal.
Humphrey and I wished each other Good Health and relaxed in the comfy study armchairs. I asked him what was really meant by a Modernist.
He misunderstood, and asked me whether I was referring to Shostakovich or Marcel Duchamp. I told him that I was referring to Mike Stanford.
As I expected, he knew exactly. In the Church of England the word Modernist is code for non-believer.
An atheist? I asked with surprise.
Oh no, Prime Minister, he replied wickedly. An atheist clergyman couldnt continue to draw his stipend. So when they stop believing in God they call themselves modernists.
I was staggered. How can the Church of England recommend an atheist as Bishop of Bury St Edmunds?
Humphrey crossed his legs and sipped his drink. Very easily, he smiled. The Church of England is primarily a social organisation, not a religious one.
This was news to me. But then I dont come from a very social background.
Oh, yes, Humphrey continued knowledgeably. Its part of the rich social fabric of this country. Bishops need to be the sort of chaps who speak properly and know which knife and fork to use. They are someone to look up to.
So that, I realised, is what Peter meant by Stanford having an eminently suitable wife.
I asked Humphrey if there are no more suitable candidates. He said that there arent at the moment. Apparently there were a couple of better jobs available recently. I couldnt think what could be better than a bishop, other than a rook! But apparently the Dean of Windsor is a better job. So is the Dean of Westminster. Humphrey explained that such preferment enables one to be on intimate terms with the royals.
It was all becoming clear to me. So being a bishop, I summed up, is simply a matter of status. Dressing up in cassocks and gaiters.
Humphrey nodded. Yes, Prime Minister. Though gaiters are now worn only at significant religious events -- like the royal garden party.
I wondered why cassocks and gaiters are now out of style.
The church is trying to be more relevant, said Humphrey.
To God? I asked.
Of course not, Prime Minister. I meant relevant in sociological terms.
What he was saying, in effect, is that the ideal candidate from the Churchs point of view is a cross between a socialite and a socialist.
Bernard came back with Mike Stanfords career details. He was right. They were very instructive. After he left theological college he became Chaplain to the Bishop of Sheffield. He moved on to be the Diocesan Advisor on Ethnic Communities and Social Responsibility. He organised conferences on Inter-faith interface, and interface between Christians and Marxists, and between Christians and the Women of Greenham Common. [This was a part feminist/part lesbian encampment of anti-nuclear/pacifist/Marxist women that stationed itself illegally outside the gates of an American airbase near Newbury, where Cruise missiles were kept. Only women and children were allowed to take part in the protest, which was against nuclear weapons, America and men, possibly in the reverse order. Nuclear missiles were seen as a form of phallic symbol. The Women were regarded by Freudians as suffering from a severe case of penis envy. Expressing support, even limited support, for the Women of Greenham Common was perceived as a progressive stance Ed.] Subsequently Stanford became University Chaplain at the University of Essex, then Vice Principal of a theological college, and he is now the Secretary to the Disarmament Committee of the British Council of Churches.
There was one significant gap in his CV [curriculum vitae, i.e. the story of his life - . Has he ever been an ordinary vicar in a parish? I asked.
Bernard was surprised by the question. No, Prime Minister. Clergymen who want to be bishops try to avoid pastoral work.
Hes a high flyer, remarked Humphrey.
So was Icarus, replied Bernard mysteriously. [Icarus was the son of Daedalus. He flew too near the sun and his wings melted. Thus he put himself out of the running by his ambition, like Canon Stanford Ed.]
Anyway, I dont want him if hes a political troublemaker, I decided.
Bernard nodded wisely. What peevish fool was that of Greece who taught his son the office of a fowl. I told Bernard to stop quoting Greek at me. [Hacker was incorrect. Bernard Woolley was quoting Shakespeares Henry VI Part III Ed.]
Humphrey responded with cautious agreement to my decision. He said that Stanford would have the added nuisance value of speaking with the authority of a bishop and as a member of the Lords.
Hes exactly the sort of person I dont want, I explained. Its no good all these bishops exhorting me to spend more on welfare. You cant always solve problems by throwing money at them, especially other peoples money. What this country needs is a greater spirit of responsibility and self-reliance.
Humphrey smiled at me. Isnt it interesting how nowadays politicians talk about morals and bishops talk about politics?
Hes right. Bernard gave us an example from Stanfords career. He designed a new church in south London. On the plans there were places for dispensing orange juice, and family planning, and organizing demonstrations -- but no place for Holy Communion. He added, in all fairness, that there was a dula-purpose hall in which a service could be held.
I asked my two officials if the Church approved of this design.
Oh yes, said Humphrey. You see, the church is run by theologians.
What does that mean? I asked.
Well, he smiled, theologys a device for helping agnostics stay within the church.
Perhaps Im nave, I said, but
Perish the thought, Prime Minister, interrupted Humphrey.
Stupid flattery! Couldnt he tell it was false modesty? If course I dont think Im nave. I waved him to shut up, and continued, I think the church should be run by simple men who believe in God, not worldly politicians seeing preferment.
You could argue, said Humphrey amiably, that those who seek preferment feel that they can be of greater service to the Community in a more important job.
Thats hypocritical twaddle, I said.
He shrugged. Just as you yourself only wanted to serve your country here in Number Ten.
Suddenly I saw what he meant. Hes right. But I still dont want Stanford.
Humphrey explained to me that I can turn both candidates down, although it would be exceptional and not advised.
Even if one candidate wants to get God out of the Church of England and the other wants to get the Queen out of it?
The Queen, said Humphrey, is inseparable from the Church of England.
Is she? I asked. And what about God?
I think He is what is called an optional extra, replied my Permanent Secretary, finishing off his drink.
June 9th
An interesting development about that nurse in Qumran tonight. Theres been nothing from the Foreign Office for days. This is not really a surprise -- the Foreign Office arent there to do things, they are there to explain why things cant be done.
I was trying to explain this to Annie over dinner. She had difficulty in grasping the concept. She kept asking irrelevant questions like Dont they care?